I was exposed to a religion that was not mainstream, per se, as a child that I somehow felt I needed to hide from the world/was judged for being a part of through no fault of my own. I still identify with it from a certain value perspective but find it also generally oppressive. Man, I didn’t even think of it until you posted this!! I feel in general most religion is oppressive in some way, especially for women. Women as servants = co-dependent? Hmm. 
Book discussion: "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"
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Growing up I would have never told anyone for that reason, so I always identified as “undecided” or “spiritual” or just avoided the subject all together, because it gave me such bad anxiety. This group was extremely aggressive, had so much control over its members and negatively affected my family’s life for such a long time. It was crazy.
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Hi friends. Status check - how is everyone getting on?
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All the copies at my local library were checked out with multiple holds still placed on them 
I’ll start the second part today 
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I’m waiting for folks to catch up, I blew through the second part already. I am LOVING this book, and the discussions thus far.
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I can scan pages and send to you. DM me your contact info.
Whoa whoa whoa, part II (have read through ch. 9 so far) is so illuminating, I felt like I wanted to eat the book lolol. The patterns described, the “victim” mentality … oh the drama. So many lightbulbs going off. I’m trying to suss out the “living centered in myself” concept - most “centering yourself” advice focuses on in the moment techniques vs. lifestyle. I suppose I should continue reading lol
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Hahahahahaha. So many lolz.
Last night I listened to a couple more chapters, made some notes and plan to continue this weekend and then give some more reflections.
I think what happened with that woman really got to you. How she feels about you (and most likely it was something else going on with her tbh and she was taking it out on you) does not determine your worth. Your opinions, feelings, sense of self, right to happiness, are not any less valid because she doesn’t see in the same way you do. Her experiences have made her how she is today and yours have done the same.
I think now that you have more awareness and stability of who you are as a person, this will give you the confidence to grow from the situation, but not let it define you.
I really appreciate you sharing your story about this woman… It’s made me do a lot of reflecting, so thank you.
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Well, last night I downloaded the audio book. I started listening today. Just now I went for a walk to the post office and I heard the first story…Jessica.
I started crying. I AM Jessica. Okay, I’m not a SAHM and my husband is not an alcoholic (though I would call him a workaholic…maybe that is similar?), but every feeling she described was exactly what I have been feeling…for years. I found myself at the post office at the mall holding back my tears. I can’t believe all this time I never realised my feelings were so common…and also so wrong. I felt like I was entitled to be angry with everyone because I WAS doing so much for them all with not a thank you in return. I even gave a sob when she talked about not letting her son go to the park but then giving in “like she always did”. DAMMIT!!
I never really would have thought as myself as a codependent because I don’t feel like I’m actually trying to “control” others like the title says. I’m also not married to the alcoholic…which so often seems to be the person they are talking about. But I do try to “fix” everything at home. I yell at the kids all the time to clean up because “your daddy’s is going to be home at any time and he’ll be so angry if he sees this mess”. I guess that is my “controlling”. I’m trying to control HIS moods by trying to make home time the least stressful time of his day…and then I resent him for it.
I’m still listening to the stories so I don’t know what it is I should do yet. Every story seems to indicate I should go to al anon which won’t really apply to me. Maybe there is an al anon for workaholics??? Definitly I need therapy.
Curious, how common is it that the codependent IS the alcoholic??? While I know I’ve ALWAYS had an addictive personality and I was drinking in an unhealthy manner before I even MET my husband, I do think that my resentment towards him often is what leads me to the “fuck it, I’m going to drink”. Sometimes to numb the feelings, sometimes to get even with him.
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Hey lady. Just keep listening and keep absorbing. No need to do anything yet. The answers will present themselves at the right time. When I first read this book it was so shocking to me as I had NO IDEA. it took me a while to just absorb and process wtf was going on.
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Definitely get through the book before doing anything - the best is yet to come! I think the “controlling” is somewhat subconscious, and the author uses alcoholic a lot but you can sub in any disordered individual: Hoarder, schizophrenic, drug addict, chronically depressed, narcissist, manic-depressive, etc. Keep an open mind as you go. I’m in Ch. 11 and I’m reeling, but in an “I am so happy to have answers and hope” way.
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OK folks, where is everyone at in the book so far? Anyone want to propose a topic to discuss?
I’m on chapter 5…I only just got through the list of characteristics!! I’m very far behind, I’m sure. But I get to listen for about an hour everyday during my commute so I should be nearly done this week.
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Almost done with chapter 8.
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OK, I’m dropping this excellent nugget (found in Ch. 13), which I’m posting here because I’ve been struggling to understand why folks succumb to their emotions and use them as an excuse to drink (myself included), or to do other things that are no good for themselves:
Some of this almost seems cliche, but reading this bit made me feel like, “oh, that’s how healthy, well-adusted people do it!” Lol
-> If we are dealing with our emotions responsibly, we submit them to our intellect, our reason, and our moral and behavioral code of ethics.
So that’s how! I feel like a kid who just learned a very important key to growing up. Think, don’t just react like every other crazy person in my life/family. I mean, I feel like this should have been obvious, and I know people in my adult life who appear to behave this way, but it isn’t/has not been obvious to me - to consciously go through steps to determine the best way to act when feeling, especially when it’s an intense emotion. And I sorta feel cheated out on this good bit of parenting advice/modeling. Pfft.
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Just finished chapter 9 this weekend, so will try to organise and post some thoughts this week.
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