Book discussion: "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"


No worries! The thread is free flowing :heart: we’re all at different reading paces and you can jump in whenever your book arrives. You won’t get left behind.


Hey all.

Had a bump in the road unfortunately. Recommitting to the thread and to my own journey.


I had THE SAME epiphany, not same family, obv., but that oppressive BS. Ugh.


Also, I’m not sure why this feels right to post here but in terms of the ever-apologetic, guilty feelings some co-dependants experience (taking my cue from characteristics list):


I started doing this years ago and it does make a difference. You will also start to notice how often people apologize without just cause.


This is my family before AND this is my family now. I do NOT talk about problems or shortcomings with my family. Really, everyone is messed up but everyone pretends that everything is great. When you admit a failure or lack of something in your life, the family talks about how f*cked up you are, behind your back, at the next family gathering. Good times.

I am geographically separated from everyone but my mother, who is opposite. She wants you to have the problems. All we ever talk about is problems. Gah!


Just a reminder for those interested - target completion of the first 4 chapters is coming up. Don’t worry if you are ahead or behind - this is to try to give us all a bit of motivation. I’m one of those deadline orientated people. Please feel free to share any thoughts you these chapters as and when!


I like this.

Also made me laugh when applied to some common Canadian cultural behaviours. Someone accidentally walks into you while you’re standing still and you both automatically say sorry as you step back as if you had been standing in their rightful path all along. I’m imagining saying the “thank you” statement in that situation and imagining the awkwardness :joy::joy:


Haha, excellent!


Also very English. I say sorry when someone else bumps into me :rofl::rofl:


Felt like you were speaking my story. I resent my husband because I’m the one who always keeps us going. He just goes to work, uses, and crashes. I do the daily chores, take care of our kid, groceries, etc. I’m also bipolar and medicated. Been in a long depressive state. I’m hoping reading this book helps me figure out how to deal with my feelings of resentment because at the moment I keep them in which just makes it so much worse


I’m a little behind, but reading the part about defining codependency on a behaviour resulting from rules of oppression that didn’t allow for expression. Gosh, when I read that it took me right back to my childhood. My mom was all about kids should be seen and not heard. From a young age I learned to keep in my feelings as I never felt it was safe o express myself. Problem is I’m 33 and I still feel like it isn’t safe to express myself. I wrote earlier how I resent my husband for me being the one having to do everything. I’m kind of wondering do I feel safe expressing my resentment to him. I dunno honestly. I’m so used to not saying anything. Would I speak up if given the chance? Would the feelings of resentment go away if I spoke up? It’s amazing what lessons you learn as a kid can internalize in you as an adult.


Reading chapter 4 and my immediate thought is I’ve never read anything written so succinctly that so well describes so much of me. Or course that relalization is making wonder just how bad is my codependency and how long has it been this way and can I ever get ahead of it. Safe to say chapter 4 overwhelmed me.


This paragraph got to me too. Just like whoa. Lol.


@VSue here’s the thread :blush: I really think you could relate to a lot of what is written in this book. It’s a super easy read.


Starting chapter 3… running a little behind. May or may not chime in, but will try and keep up.


Just bought this, so may be bit behind but it’s solid rain here for 2 days so will have some catch up time😁


Quick update from me. I just listened to chapter 4. What really resonated with me was the description of codependency as being a way of getting our needs met without getting our needs met. That sums up my feels pretty well. Also, I could relate to the vast majority of the list of characteristics, like 99% of them.

What I can say is that this is a thing I have been working on for the last two years since I first read this book. I went to Al-Anon meetings weekly for about 10 months, where we talked a lot of detaching with love and avoiding expectations (which re future resentments). What I noticed is that some of those things I do less of or, in some cases, not at all. There are some behaviours that I’m so conscious of checking in myself that I am very aware of them when they start to come out. Awareness is so important for me to realise that this is not either normal or compassionate behaviour and that I have been doing a great disservice to myself and everyone around me, all the while acting as though I am a martyr.

BUT, it is getting better! I have, gradually, been turning my focus on to myself. I have started learning to identify my needs. That has been the hardest part. Once i have identified them, it is a bit easier to communicate them to others or to find ways to get them met, or at least try to.

This has been way better than my previous cycle. I realised I am exceptionally skilled in having my outward appearance not match my inner turmoil. No one knows I am suffering, but I expect them to read my mind. When they don’t (because that’s impossible), I get resentful and end up living with the feelings of self-loathing, like no one else cares about me, drowning in resentment and a martyr-complex.

Another major breakthrough with some of this stuff was about 2 months ago when I was having a mental health breakdown, which ultimately led to my decision to get sober. I was forced to focus on myself deeply as a matter of survival. I realised that I had to figure out what I needed and then get it, or ask for help. When I was able to articulate what I needed from others, it suddenly seemed really quite reasonable and they were happy to provide it.

How is everyone getting along with the first four chapters? What are you finding resonates with you and your experiences?



tagging @Saywhatitis - in case it is of interest to you to join in with this. :two_hearts:


Thank you! Its funny because I had this thread bookmarked for when I bought the book so I could join.