I had THE SAME epiphany, not same family, obv., but that oppressive BS. Ugh.
Book discussion: "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"
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Also, I’m not sure why this feels right to post here but in terms of the ever-apologetic, guilty feelings some co-dependants experience (taking my cue from characteristics list):
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Just a reminder for those interested - target completion of the first 4 chapters is coming up. Don’t worry if you are ahead or behind - this is to try to give us all a bit of motivation. I’m one of those deadline orientated people. Please feel free to share any thoughts you these chapters as and when!
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I like this.
Also made me laugh when applied to some common Canadian cultural behaviours. Someone accidentally walks into you while you’re standing still and you both automatically say sorry as you step back as if you had been standing in their rightful path all along. I’m imagining saying the “thank you” statement in that situation and imagining the awkwardness 
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Haha, excellent!
Also very English. I say sorry when someone else bumps into me 
Felt like you were speaking my story. I resent my husband because I’m the one who always keeps us going. He just goes to work, uses, and crashes. I do the daily chores, take care of our kid, groceries, etc. I’m also bipolar and medicated. Been in a long depressive state. I’m hoping reading this book helps me figure out how to deal with my feelings of resentment because at the moment I keep them in which just makes it so much worse
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I’m a little behind, but reading the part about defining codependency on a behaviour resulting from rules of oppression that didn’t allow for expression. Gosh, when I read that it took me right back to my childhood. My mom was all about kids should be seen and not heard. From a young age I learned to keep in my feelings as I never felt it was safe o express myself. Problem is I’m 33 and I still feel like it isn’t safe to express myself. I wrote earlier how I resent my husband for me being the one having to do everything. I’m kind of wondering do I feel safe expressing my resentment to him. I dunno honestly. I’m so used to not saying anything. Would I speak up if given the chance? Would the feelings of resentment go away if I spoke up? It’s amazing what lessons you learn as a kid can internalize in you as an adult.
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Reading chapter 4 and my immediate thought is I’ve never read anything written so succinctly that so well describes so much of me. Or course that relalization is making wonder just how bad is my codependency and how long has it been this way and can I ever get ahead of it. Safe to say chapter 4 overwhelmed me.
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This paragraph got to me too. Just like whoa. Lol.
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@VSue here’s the thread 
I really think you could relate to a lot of what is written in this book. It’s a super easy read.
Starting chapter 3… running a little behind. May or may not chime in, but will try and keep up.
Just bought this, so may be bit behind but it’s solid rain here for 2 days so will have some catch up time😁
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Quick update from me. I just listened to chapter 4. What really resonated with me was the description of codependency as being a way of getting our needs met without getting our needs met. That sums up my feels pretty well. Also, I could relate to the vast majority of the list of characteristics, like 99% of them.
What I can say is that this is a thing I have been working on for the last two years since I first read this book. I went to Al-Anon meetings weekly for about 10 months, where we talked a lot of detaching with love and avoiding expectations (which re future resentments). What I noticed is that some of those things I do less of or, in some cases, not at all. There are some behaviours that I’m so conscious of checking in myself that I am very aware of them when they start to come out. Awareness is so important for me to realise that this is not either normal or compassionate behaviour and that I have been doing a great disservice to myself and everyone around me, all the while acting as though I am a martyr.
BUT, it is getting better! I have, gradually, been turning my focus on to myself. I have started learning to identify my needs. That has been the hardest part. Once i have identified them, it is a bit easier to communicate them to others or to find ways to get them met, or at least try to.
This has been way better than my previous cycle. I realised I am exceptionally skilled in having my outward appearance not match my inner turmoil. No one knows I am suffering, but I expect them to read my mind. When they don’t (because that’s impossible), I get resentful and end up living with the feelings of self-loathing, like no one else cares about me, drowning in resentment and a martyr-complex.
Another major breakthrough with some of this stuff was about 2 months ago when I was having a mental health breakdown, which ultimately led to my decision to get sober. I was forced to focus on myself deeply as a matter of survival. I realised that I had to figure out what I needed and then get it, or ask for help. When I was able to articulate what I needed from others, it suddenly seemed really quite reasonable and they were happy to provide it.
How is everyone getting along with the first four chapters? What are you finding resonates with you and your experiences?
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Thank you! Its funny because I had this thread bookmarked for when I bought the book so I could join.
Chapter 4 has me excited to continue this book 
Going to post my take on Part I next.
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Skipping Chpt. 1…
Chpt. 2 I identified/related most to Patty and Kristen’s stories. I can see myself in Patty before and after marriage and motherhood and Kristen growing up as kid/teen. “Good ol’ dependable Patty, always there, in control and ready to help”, but feeling depressed and falling apart inside due to many reasons… her life before and now- struggling with caregiver fatigue. Always carrying guilt and feeling like she should be able to solve her own problems. Kristen in losing herself in people and feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions and feelings around her. I think this stems from me being raised by a single parent who struggled with untreated depression. There were times I took it personally/couldn’t do anything to help.
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Chpt. 3 Although there are several definitions listed on Codependency I agree most with what was quoted on pg. 30, 3rd paragraph “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules-rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.” This hits home when I think of being raised by a parent of a certain religion (not gonna say which, but I’m sure you can guess). In this religion personal problems were/are handled a certain way, but because my mom was declared from this religion, we had to disconnect from the “church” and all relatives involved. It was heart breaking and personal struggles got worse and were never addressed, etc. This was miserable and fueled my anxiety for many, many years.
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Chpt. 4 “… first step toward change is awareness. The second is acceptance.” When reading the codependent characteristics, I was able to mark several (understatement) that are either occasional or frequent problems for me. I’ll share some of these as it applies to each chapter moving forward. Was happy/relieved to read on this last page of this chapter that getting back from codependency is more liberating than grueling compared to other types of recovery. YAY. lol
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