I’m new to this… all of this. But its time to start making changes. The tricky part is that I’m married to a winemaker, and alcohol is ever present in our lives. It was never a problem for me until 2020 hit, along with all its stress and isolation. I was working in a diagnostic lab, we were overworked and understaffed… and something in my mindset changed. I went from a relatively normal social drinking pattern to drinking solo, with the phrase “why the h*ll not” running through my brain. I found myself using alcohol as an energy drink, a stress relief, and frankly, company.
Our lives were completely turned upsidedown last year, and we ended up moving cross country, to a state where we had no friends or relatives. The isolation deepened. I enrolled in school thinking that would help me focus, but instead I find myself in a tight rope act of balancing addiction with education.
This past week, I worked up the courage to go to the doctor and request bloodwork. Sure enough, my liver enzymes are out of whack. My body is starting to show signs of deterioration, weight gain, fatigue, and worsening anxiety.
So… its time. Its time to hold myself accountable. To take inventory of all the things I have to lose if I don’t get myself on a better path. To honor the love and support of the people in my corner.
Its time for me to stop with the drinking. I’m looking forward to reading other people’s stories, and hopefully finding a sense of community among those who struggle with addiction, instead of isolating myself.
Any advice on politely declining and resisting temptation in social settings is greatly needed. Thanks in advance.
Welcome, Amanda! You show a lot of bravery for coming here to tell your story, to look for support, and to get help from the doctor. We have a lot of similarities - though my husband only brews beer as a hobby, it became what he spent a lot of time doing when the pandemic hit and he couldn’t play music in a band as his hobby. We also moved across the country after I quit my career in health care administration following burnout (exacerbated by drinking to cope, as well as the other reasons you described), then my husband was laid off and made the choice to move closer to family in 2019. Leaving a party lifestyle behind but also all our friends to somewhere we had no connections. We tried to make friends here but then came COVID. Tough stuff! This forum and the support I received, and then was able to give back in turn, made a huge difference for me in starting my sober curious journey. It took me months before I got the courage to go to the doctor and start some treatment in the middle of the pandemic. Good on you for getting your health managed!
Depending on the support you’re getting from your husband, there are some threads around related to dealing with partners who still drink that have helped me in the past, and I’m in the camp of being married to someone who doesn’t have a problem drinking in moderation. It just doesn’t work for me and I have stuck with starting each day committing to not drinking TODAY instead of thinking too far ahead. There are lots of resources out there for additional support, too:
Have a read around and if it helps at all, I’ve written quite a bit about my journey on my thread:
Thank you SO much for the kind words! Your story really does run parallel to mine in a lot of ways, its wild. I lost my father suddenly in 2019, and was still processing that when the ol’ global pandemic reared its ugly head. So many of my coworkers were younger than me, and kind of fell into that millenial trap of “ahahaha the world is garbage so lets light ourselves on fire along with it.” I guess the nihilism of that mindset was weirdly tempting to give in to. Working on re-framing my thoughts away from the “oh well” and back to the “life is worth being present for.”
I’ll gladly dive in to the resources you shared, and knowing that there are others out there with partners who don’t struggle the same way will surely be helpful. These are uncharted waters for me, and I appreciate all the navigation I can get!
I’m sorry for laughing but I can so relate! I really have had to do so much reframing of my thinking and find ways to climb out of the pit of despair more than once. I still have to. But you’re right, life is worth living and being present for.
So sorry to hear about your dad. Something I’ve heard from others and have started to believe is we can truly honor our loved ones who aren’t here anymore by working on being our best selves. For some of us that means leaving a substance or behavior behind. And just today someone said that we have everything we need within us - that really resonated with me. Loads of gems around here!
Welcome. This forum is what got me sober nothing else,it is my only source of help and has been truly wonderful everyone is so supportive. Like you my partner drinks and brews Beer. Fortunately I never drank beer so its not a trigger. Did you drink wine mostly? Might be an idea to put those wine making bottles somewhere you are not going to run into them daily if that’s possible. Just until you get more confident in your journey.
He is a winemaker by profession, and oddly enough he likes to drink cheap, crappy beer. Before my descent into daily drinking I used to be a snob and only drink certain craft beers. At my recent low, I would raid the fridge for his cheap stuff, which used to be his method of keeping a couple in the fridge for himself to enjoy after a long day at work. He has expressed frustration with me, and I totally accept that this is crappy behavior on my part (yet another layer of why I need to get sober). I don’t feel its fair to ask him to change his habits because I am the one with the issue.
I am planning to ask him not to bring any wine home from work, and if he does to keep it in a place that I don’t see it sitting around. Luckily with school starting up again soon, I will have a built in excuse to decline going to work functions with him until I can get my cravings under control. Its extremely hard to say no to wine with a family whose entire life revolves around it. They are sweet, wonderful people, but I think some distance for a while will help me out.
Thanks for reaching out, the welcome vibe is super helpful and has given me a little nudge of comfort on a rough day!
Yes I understand now why the beginning might be tricky for you with a whole family and business revolving around drink. I was fortunate I didn’t deal with any social and I think if I had I would have struggled early on.
I have seen people suggest avoiding any situations like that in the early months if you can, there will be people with better advice though who are social too.
My parter drank and I found that hard watching him. But it does and will get easier. I barely notice now.
You are doing the right thing trying to prepare as best you can for upcoming situations. The better prepared the easier you will find it. Your liver needs care right now too, that is a priority.
Do your family know (extended family) about your sobriety or is it private at the moment?
I’m sharing with some close friends who understand the situation, unfortunately everyone is a couple thousand miles away. My mom has an idea that I’ve been struggling, but she has so much on her plate that I don’t want to over burden her (and she is also across the country in a different state).
The crazy part is that I’m about to go on a two week international trip with my mother in law. I love her to bits, and I’m hoping that this will also help be a hard reset for me. She and I have a really good open dialogue about things like this, as there was a time when I had my own concerns about my husband (who has since really changed his behavior for the better). I plan to be very honest with her on this trip. She is a great support person to have.
We’ve only been in this new state for a year, so friends are kinda short locally. The couple people I have really clicked with are younger (I’m 37) and tend to want to “go out.” I might have to bring some honesty to the table as to why I’m pulling back on hanging out so much. Luckily younger folks these days are pretty in tune with the concept of personal struggles, fingers crossed they understand!
That sounds like a fantastic well planned start then. A trip with someone you care about and who cares about you and you can be open with. You will be nicely distracted and away from the familiar which is great for avoiding triggers. Of course you need to mentally prepare to for the trip. Is it going to be full of party people or more cultural. If so will eating out etc or entertainment trigger you? Be prepared and plan.
Not having many friends in your new state is not a negative in the beginning of sobriety. As much as we need support it needs to be the right kind, not the triggering kind. I think sobriety is a very personal journey too. You need to work on you and look after you. I am sure your friends will understand too. Plan a nice sober lunch that you will make for them to keep you busy. Try new recipes. Then they can tell you all the gossip in a sober environment . X
It will be a very tame trip - we are headed to South Korea to visit my little sister in law. She’s not a party girl at all, in fact she stayed home on her 21st birthday to work on a quilt! My in laws will be a positive influence for sure. It shouldn’t be hard to avoid temptation on this adventure! We have itineraries of cultural sights and tours all set up. Hoping we’ll be too busy for me to even miss the drinks, and also hoping that staying sober prior to the trip (in 3 weeks) will help my brain and body prepare.
It means a lot hearing positive feedback on my plans and situation, truly thankful for your comments!
That sounds wonderful. When I was in early sobriety I checked in daily on this forum it really helped me through. 3 weeks is good too it gives you time to just get through the initial groggy bit. Give yourself time as your body and mind adapts. It’s a journey and there will be ups and downs but I promise it is so worth it. Xxx
Welcome! You sound like you are in the right mindset to make a change. When I finally decided to take alcohol out of my life I made a list of reasons to quit drinking which was VERY long and a list of reasons to keep drinking. That second list was much shorter and only said “habit” and “because I always have”.
Socializing in early sobriety was very hard for me. My underlying anxiety and depression surfaced and I realized that a lot of my drinking was used to hide both of those things. I didn’t really socialize much for my first three months. I needed to use that time as a mental re-set and now I am much more comfortable in my sober skin.
I don’t socialize in bars anymore unless it is a quick stop after a dinner or another activity and then I drink soda water or an NA beer before leaving early. The saying “hang around the barbershop long enough you will get a haircut” is too true for me. I had many phrases to explain my abstinence which all depended on who I was talking to. I told my truth to loved ones but strangers often got the weight loss/on antibiotics/early morning excuses. You’ll find what works for you but if you have to tell a fib so be it. The goal is just not to drink.
I believe in you. I’d wish you luck but you don’t need it. You need grit and singularity of mind in your decision to stop. Get at it! Sober is way cooler than the drinking roller coaster I used to ride.
Lastly, When you say you work in a diagnostic lab do you mean you are a Lab Tech? I am, and so rarely encounter another one!
You know, I do love a good list, so maybe that will be today’s activity: putting on paper all the positive things that I have to gain from staying sober. Might as well take advantage of this wave of clarity and the feel-goods that come along with the first few days alcohol free.
And high fives for being an MLT! Techs are some of my favorite people, I’ve spent nearly a decade in lab. Started out as a phleb, but quickly realized I loved specimen processing and was a processing lead for years. I probably should have taken advantage of all the knowledge I have soaked up and become a tech, but much to my fellow lab rats’ dismay, I decided to go back to school for Surgical Tech. And guess what?? Just yesterday I got the official word that I was accepted into the program starting this Fall!
That will be the first thing on today’s list. Staying sober to be the best student, and eventually the best surg tech I can be. I owe it to myself, my coworkers and the patients to stay sharp (pun fully intended ).
You have given some awesome advice and encouragement, which is a really lovely way to start a new day, both literally and figuratively. Thank you so much!
Congratulations on the opportunity for surgical tech, I have a few tech friends who have made that move.
I’m late into the game of laboratory (being drunk most of my 20s and 30s really put a damper on career movement) but am getting ready to sit for my MLS anytime after August. I love this career more and more the longer I stay clear-headed. I love a job where I can learn 3 new things every day if I so choose. Get that sober life and get that surg tech!
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