Sorry if my response was too much here 
I always like to get straight to it. I don’t think you are as miserable as I ever was and you obviously want to keep him 
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Kinda comes down to each others NEEDS and WANTS. If either feels they NEED sex then no. Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish between a need and a want. Some times WANTS can do more harm then good and can cause betrayal. Our NEEDS are essential and just what we need to survive mentally and physically. So for some people sex is a need but not for everyone. If it is a need for one or the other they are going to betray or stray…
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My marriage has been sexless for seven years. Other things keep me in it, but I know I will leave one day. Soberity is a step in that direction.
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Sorry for your marriage, but the OP is not looking to end theirs. They want it to work out and are worried that the lack of sexual activity will affect their marriage negatively or not.
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Praying for you my friend
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The fact he was sexing other women is a stumbling block I wouldn’t just skip over. Did you work that out between you two or just forgave him?
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@Winchester last 8-9 years was what i would consider sexless…no more than 5 times a year. Yesterday i couldn’t take it anymore. After a week twisting everything in my head, talking with my sister and dad i told my wife i just can’t do it anymore. I done trying to make it work. It was a weight lifted, i struggled today a bit, read a lot of support articles and am confident i made correct choice for myself.
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Hi @ORPHEUS thanks for your post. Your English is fine my friend 
…35 years is a very long time to be married, congrats! I do love my hub as I said we’ve been married for 23 years together for 27 years. As you know in that time lots of things happen like kids and houses and building a life together. As a team we are solid… I just don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t know if this will change because in every other area we are great. I also don’t know if this is because of my new found sobriety or just me growing up? I get your point and it makes me feel better to know that some couples can live without sex and still be together. 
xx
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Hi @SteppingStones, thanks for your post. I was 16 when we first got together and he treated me like a princess… when I was 15 I was raped by a lad I knew. I thought I had dealt with that trauma right after it happened but the more I get sober and start to recall memories and think about them (I’m sure you’re aware of this part of the sober journey) the more I think that is why I let him in. I felt safe and ‘worshiped’ in a way. He’s a good man. At 17 we started doing recreational drugs at weekends for fun and the sex was really really good, we did some mad things but I think that was down to the drugs as much as anything?? Since then the years have passed and we have stability. I truly love him. When my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2005 I was the daughter that she wanted to look after her. She lived an hour away and my boys were only little, 2 and 7. It was hard going over there a week or two at a time to care for mum, but you manage don’t you. My hubby worked and to care of the kids with some help from his mum and sisters because they live in the same village as us. As I mentioned in this time my husband was having sexual conversations on the computer MSN with other women, one of them was his best friends wife. I only confirmed this two years after my mum died sept 2005. My gut knew it but he kept denying it. I managed to get into his man account and there it was!!.. I was gutted! But I couldn’t just up and leave with two small kids I had to try and work it out for them as much as anything. I was grieving mum and drinking every evening so after a week or so I ‘forgave’ him. I don’t really think I have dealt with this properly either. And now time has moved on and I’m with a 53 year old man. Arghh… I’m trying to deal with all of this but as I said before I think I’m going to go back to a counsellor and chew through it. I will keep you all posted xx
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Hi @Winchester I’m sorry that your in happy in your marriage, I don’t know what will become of mine either. We just got to deal with these feelings and get the best life for us, no matter what x
Hi @anon79808082! I was dealing with my mum’s death and all the shit that comes from that. It took me two years to prove it. I think I just let it go and don’t deal with it. We’d got two small boys I didn’t want to up end them because of his cheating… I know he didn’t touch another women but I still consider this cheating. I think now that I’m sober and staying this way for good I have to deal with these things as I’m sure the past is what is stopping me going forward… at least it is in my marriage. I love him we have a good life but I have to learn to feel this stuff and decide weather or not I can deal with it and truly forgive him. Xxxx
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To all you fab folks on here… the questions and suggestions and comments on here have started my mind working… I can not tell you all how much this is helping me! I did counselling two years ago when I broke down and she was an amazing councillor… she would ask me questions that my friends and family would not dare and this would get me thinking (processing) you guys are doing the same thing she did but with this problem in my life. Thank you, you’re are helping me more than you know! I’m going to book myself back into counselling because there clearly are a few bad things that are troubling me. I don’t know if it’s a sexless marriage because I’m sober or because I’m troubled??? I will figure this out m! Thanks guys 
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I feel your pain and my heart axhes for you hun. Time always works it out in the end but it still sucks trying to navigate it.
I get it wit you having young obes; I was divorced with a 4 year old (27 years ago) and it was alot harder than I anticipated.
Hang in there and know we are here for you.
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@Rob68 I’m sorry that you’re going through such a rough time. You clearly have been unhappy for a while. I wish you well on your new path. We have to do what is best for us and sometimes that is hard to do. Sending you strength my friend x
Thank you! It’s great to know that you’re all here… we can do this! One day at a time x
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Thanks @Fargesia_murielae. I think this is something that definitely needs sorting… it shit having to let all these memories and feelings arrive in my head and my heart. I’m definitely going to fight to see if we can move forward. I have had a deep talk with him at the weekend and he gets how I feel and says he’s going no where so we’ll see. Thanks for caring xxxx
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I would just like to say thank you for having the courage to ask the question and start getting honest with yourself.
This is a real life issue that so many of us are struggling with unfortunately…
Personally, I feel I need it to stay connected spiritually and mentally with my girlfriend, but I get the feeling that she’s really not that interested and only does it to satisfy me from time to time…
It’s difficult being the only one to initiate intamacy…
I don’t want to “use” her or even worse “abuse” her… But I am a recovering drug addict…
I’m sorry if I do not have the answers, I just thank you for the topic because it’s very apparent this is something that many of us are struggling with…
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my ex and I had problems with sex. This was because I felt resentment against her . I was angry at her all the time. Why would I want someone to touch me if I didnt even want to be around them. What I am trying to say is sometimes you have to feel loved in other areas first. Maybe go out to dinner , agree on something you both enjoy and take a couples massage class. Work on the relationship first and communicate. How does your partner feel about not having sex?
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Hi @Marie_Barnett. We had a good talk this weekend , he says he understands and will wait as long as it takes for us to work this out together. I was very honest with him… And I explained to him that one of my worries was that he would start messaging other women again if he wasn’t getting satisfaction at home. During this last week or so having posted this thread I have done some quite deep soul-searching. I explain to him that I will not put up with any infidelity! If he feels the need to message other women because he’s not getting sex from me then he can move on! I will not have that hanging over me pressuring me into having sex. This has all come from all of the advice, questions and support I have had on here. I am worth more and he needs to know that. I felt this way after he was messaging other women all those years back… But it was just so much easier to give in and drink. I hope we can work this out. He is being really good with all the changes that are going on with me. He explained to me that he does get a little bit scared sometimes because I am changing but he is proud of me and wants to very much be with me as we grow older. I have now come to realise that when I was drinking every day in the evenings he could see I was drinking quite a lot but never said anything?! I explained to him at the weekend when we talked, that this hurt. If I saw my partner or any loved ones stuck like I was I would’ve tried to reach out. I feel that he let me continue the way I was going because whenever I was drinking I was here. Well no more drinking for me… The bitch is back! LOLXX
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Thanks @Michael_Bowman. I was so scared about posting this question but I have had some fab feed back. I didn’t realise it was as common as it is. I’m glad it’s helping others it certainly is helping me. This journey that we are on is such a hard one. Facing feelings is difficult but so so necessary for us to do. I wish you well my friend xx
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