even if he did reach out do you think you of changed?
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@Marie_Barnett and @Fargesia_murielae I probably would not of listened because when we’re ready we know we’re ready but I feel just some sort of a ,’sweetheart are you ok? You seem to be drinking more than “normal/usual” ‘ I don’t know, just something?? I know you guys are right we don’t listen but just some notice that’s all. For example… my hub is diabetic type 2 he was 27.5 stone six years ago and they were mentioning insulin. I voiced my concerns as I didn’t want to be left with two kids on my own. I helped him change his diet cooked and measured meals and introduced new foods in his diet to help. Obviously he wanted to help himself so we worked together. He was doing great. 15st now but two years ago he started to eat shit again. I’d find wrappers and all sorts and the docs were thinking insulin time so I sat him down and staged an intervention. We went the docs and I asked the questions he was afraid of asking… insulin, limb removal… death etc and he got back on it. Now I know this is different for everyone but I just feel a little bit like while ever I was a very functioning drinker and the house the kids the meals the sex was being done I was here and that suited him. Maybe it’s just a woman thing 
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This is a real struggle for me.
I have been sober for 21 years
My wife stopped with me cause she says she’s not drunk enough
This topic is a real struggle for me
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It’s been a I long time since I’ve posted and looked at this thread. And my stance has changed a lot.
I feel for you. Anyways, what I’ve learned is that the “Nice Guy” approach to this problem does NOT work.
I would be a violation of my recovery to put up with such a problem in my marriage. If my wife and I could not reach some sort of agreement or compromise in this situation (and there’s no reason why that shouldn’t be possible), then I’m gone.
Why stay in a sexless marriage when I know that there are plenty of women out there in the world that would be more than happy to have a relationship with me, aaaannnnnnd desire sexual intimacy with me?
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Hmmm…tough topic. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narc for 8 years. I definitely drank to not care during sex. It helped also to not care about how my body looked. I’m still figuring out how to deal with everything sober at 18 days, including sex.
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Damn… I don’t see how that can be taken in a good way. I’ve been with my wife for a long time, she will never initiate and I kinda stopped too. I don’t know what the answer is but it doesn’t feel good to “feel” like a partner isn’t attracted to you. I don’t remember giving up sex in my wedding vows though… oh well
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I’m in the same boat. I think there must be a finite amount of passion between lovers and we must have used it all up in our younger days.
I always knew there would be a time where we would have a sexless marriage, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. I can only assume it’s because I gained a lot of weight. 
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Yeah… it’s been like 10 years (since she initiated)… maybe longer. I don’t know, i guess it doesn’t really matter… We get along well, maybe that part of my life is just over, like the drinking part.
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Me and my wife have been together since we were 19, so roughly 26 years. Obviously in that time there’s been stints where we weren’t on the same page, whether it be stress from family/kids, obvious medical stuff and such. But in times where it wasn’t blatantly obvious what the problem was that’s when we had to talk and figure it out. Sometimes it was as simple as her saying “you’re drinking to much” sometimes it was stuff deeper than that, that we had to work on. We still both feel that it’s one of the most important things in a marriage, after honesty which is always gonna be number one. So we still try and make time for each other at least once a week to make sure we stay connected. I think if anybody struggling with it just starts up a conversation with your S/O you might get to the root of it.
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I agree with you. Waves are real. Sometimes life just doesn’t line up for it to be like it was years ago. I cant even Imagine what It’s like with kids. Sometimes im so tired just from everyday life much less If we had kids.
@Jasty2 sounds like y’all have great communication. That’s so great!
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We try. It’s not easy to stay on the same page with somebody for a long period of time no matter how much you love em. And we’re both extremely stubborn people so we still do battle here and there. We’re getting better as we get older. But I kinda feel like when you stop talking and at least trying to figure each other out, you end up wandering somewhere else.
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There are marriages that do survive without it, but a lack of it certainly isn’t fulfilling…
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I hope you’re right. Seems like I am always… up, though
We still have a good relationship, cuddle and talk most nights. Maybe its just a lull due to stress. 
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@Kristy4 I thoroughly agree with what you say that sex should be intimate. Throughout the years my sexual life was healthy but my drive was low. Then I met my partner that I spent 18 years with and there was lack of the foreplay I needed. Alcohol & weed took its place. Now that I’m sober, I have zero desire. I just dream and imagine the lover that may enter my life. I hope it’s not too late.
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What a great topic, thank you for revitalizing it. I needed to read this today as I’m still struggling with the mean behaviour of my ex.
For me the lack of sex was one of the coffin nails for our marriage. In the first years it was vivid. Then we were not on the same page for health reasons (him). He moved out from the bedroom to never return. I missed his presence, the cuddling, waking up next to the man I loved. It broke my heart and my soul. There were still good times with intimacy but their duration and quantity decreased markedly as the years went by.
I tried to talk, figure out what’s up, if I could do something, suggested counselling … The answers were short to non existent. It has nothing to do with me, he isn’t in the mood, he is tired, I’m too fat, I was nagging/angry/upset … so why should he even cuddle me, maybe tomorrow (never happened) … The list could go on ad infinitum.
Fact is: His drinking increased over the years, his love for me decreased parallel to the relationship work that would have been necessary to maintain a healthy, honest and fair relationship. He didn’t put any work into our relationship, he prefered drinking, working with wood and stone, doing only what he wanted and blaming me for everything, rejecting bluntly most of my needs because I’m too strenous. I’m not talking about something special, I only wanted a bare minimum of conversation, honesty, emotional & physical contact and yes, sex once in a while.
For me personally, rejecting sex when the relationship already is deteriorating is THE red flag I identified for myself as stop signal in case I’ll get the blessing to find a new partner. Now I’ve been living alone again for nearly a year and I know why there is no sex in my life. It doesn’t hurt me anymore daily that I live with a man whom I love, with whom I like to be intimate and have sex but who doesn’t want me.
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Update……I’m glad this conversation has started up again 
. Bare with me this is a bit all over the place lol… Fours years on from my original post and it’s been (and still is) a journey. I am still very much with my husband and over the last 4 years since the start of my sobriety have realised a few things. We never were the couple that ripped each others clothes off in lust. Sex for us is a connection, when we both feel safe, calm and together enough. When I was younger 12 ish something happened to me that was awful of which I had no control over and never really admitted to anyone. Then at15, just before I met my hubby, I was raped by a different man…again control was taken away from me regarding sex at such a young age. In the beginning when I wrote the original post, reading back, I now realise for me it was about control. I had to gain control over who had access to me. I had numbed myself with booze and other things for so long that I never got to know that I had control, I just went with it. Don’t know if this makes sense?? Thinking that that is how it’s supposed to be. Over time I’m putting in the work and keeping communication open between me and my hubby. We talk things through and I think that has saved our marriage. Shortly after I wrote my first post on this the pandemic hit the uk, which was fucking crazy!! So sex wasn’t really on either of our minds. Then my hubby had to have a new hip and had some other health problems and then to top all that last year I became peri-menopausal 
. So like so many others it’s been a hard slog. We’ve had sex only two times in the last fours years!! But both of those times it was lovely and we both got what we needed from it. I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve realised that there is so much more to a marriage than just sex. Together we work as a team. We are very good together and that is what matters. He is who I want to be with and I am who he wants to be with. We make each other better. Also an Interesting thing I discovered I may have had fluctuating hormones for a while and the lack of testosterone in my blood tests could be an added reason for the lack of sex drive. It’s great to know I’m not alone in this and I’m so glad we have this place to be able to listen, help and support each other. 
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This is definitely 100% what has saved our marriage. Keeping communication open is the only way to know what you both want and need. Great post @mx_elle 
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I was so hoping to hear from you and wondering where you were at. This is an honest beautiful update to read…in all its complexity. Your reality and struggles and truth. Very inspiring and touching. 
I hesitated to reply when it was first revived for many reasons. So much of what you shared rings true for me as well, and perhaps for others.
Making friends with our selves and loving our selves and honoring and sharing our histories of sexual trauma …big stuff. Being able to walk thru our relationship with another and make room for all that is hard and real. I appreciate so much you sharing. Over time and as we heal our selves, we may have more access to what and how our sexual histories affect us…this can be very big stuff and deserves care and love.
The hormonal fluctuations and changes are real. Our sexual history’s, our trauma history’s, our substance abuse, coping mechanisms…all affect us. Communication is so necessary and needed always in relationship…as Mel so well stated. And also so easy to avoid.
Our bodies age, what is needed for one partner physically may not be what is helpful for the other physically. Loss of estrogen and other hormones affects us. Medications and such can affect us as well. As we age, and move past menopause a lot can happen physically that presents very real physical challenges. Same for our partner.
Marriage can be a long journey with many many twists and turns and challenges. Our libido, our physical bodies, our hormones will all change as we age. Add to that sobriety and recovery and doing the work of ‘uncovering’ and bringing out to the open our reality…which honestly may contain a lot to process and heal. A journey of a lifetime, not so easily reduced to a basic human function.
Complicated and complex we are.
Love that you and your husband continue to work as a team thru the challenges life offers us. Certainly I know the fluctuations of sexual regularity, desire, need, intimacy, etc. We all get to figure out the importance of this aspect to our selves and our marriages. What works for one marriage, may not for another. All of us are unique individuals with our own stories and all that. What is true for me in my 60s bears so little to what was true in my 20s, 30s, etc…all building blocks tho and all part of my self and marriage.
So much to digest and consider. Thank you again for sharing your truth and allowing this conversation to grow. Great stuff shared by so many!!
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Great 
information
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Exactly the same for me and my wife. Improving our communication and empathy (with coaching from our relationship counsellor) saved our marriage. We’ve been married almost 15 years now.
For me, sex has been (for significant portions of our marriage) mostly a duty - I’m married and married people have sex - but not something I looked forward to. I realize now that feeling, like sex was something to be done in a mechanical way, a task to get through; like sex was something to do like brushing my teeth or taking a shower (both relatively mundane duties, both mechanical, but neither is something I’m actively investing in; I do them because I need to); I realize now that I feel that way because of self-pity.
Self-pity is what makes me hold back from investing in healthy, comfortable, mutual, physical connection. The self-pity voice is a prominent voice in my life and it often pops into my thoughts when I’m thinking about my business or my finances or my friendships - “you’re in over your head”, “you’re not worth it”, “you’re not doing enough”, “who are you to think you can do personal money management better than your father or grandfather (let alone business money management)”, etc etc - and the voice is saying, you’re a loser; just accept it.
Of course that’s all bullshit. Still though, I didn’t identify that as self-pity and I didn’t start recognizing its effects until I started my step 1 work with my sponsor in my SA group. I am now learning techniques to defuse that voice and to connect with others to help me get through rough spots.
Self-pity kills healthy, comfortable, mutual sex / sexual behaviour / sexual expression (which can take many forms, penetrative being only one small portion of the possibilities). Self-pity is the voice that makes me think “I just wanna watch TV then go to bed and turn my mind off with sleep”. Of course there’s nothing wrong with TV or sleep on their own, but when they’re being used as time-fillers to replace and avoid the vulnerability of healthy, mutual, comfortable physical connection, there’s a problem.
So, can a marriage survive without sex? For me, I rephrase the question to “Can a marriage survive without healthy, mutually comfortable, healthy-exploration, healthy-vulnerability sexual touch? (‘sexual touch’ defined broadly, so penetration doesn’t have to be the primary form if it’s not what the partners want)” - if that is the question, then for me I would say no, I don’t think my marriage would survive without that. (Edit to add: I think sexual touch is also about curiosity: one partner may have an idea and may suggest it, and then it’s something you try together, then if you like it you add it to your repertoire; it’s playful, it’s partners playing and exploring together)
It’s a very personal question though. I think there are likely people for whom a marriage without sexual touch would work. It’s about human presence and human choice; it’s about healthy communication and healthy, mutual-growth partnership.
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