Just wanted to edit this to say that I apologize for taking Kristy’s post out of context and running with a thought that I had. Sorry!
Gosh. I have to share my opinion because marriage is a project to my mind just like my life is a project. Always working on things, everyday is a project. Maybe that is just my personality, but just because something takes work doesn’t mean it can’t bring joy. A sex life with my partner is a project! We have to work on it to make it good and good is a lot of things - sensual, physically and emotionally pleasing, connecting, communicating, exploring, so on and so on. I also agree with what folks say about there being waves, shifts, etc. I have enough shifts in my mood and well-being and so does my partner, so of course that affects our sex life. I will admit I have had a pattern of lower sex drive than my husband but he understands and always makes sure I feel loved. But this all is something that takes work, just like relationships take work. If you want sex and aren’t getting it then start the conversation.
You are probably right. @Kristy4 sorry for taking your words too literally and using it as a jumping off point for saying what was on my mind. Eek! I do that too often.
This is soooo important. When I disclosed my sexual assault history to my family 20 years after the fact it took a real toll on me in so many ways. My husband had known about it since before we were married and was very supportive while I was telling my story to my loved ones, but I just didn’t feel connected to my body during that time. Therapy helped a lot and eventually I was able to find that desire within me again. We do need to honor the space our self, our mind and our body needs sometimes.
It warms my heart to hear this! Thank you so much for updating us on how things are going. I am so grateful for the conversation you started and the fact that it got renewed because this is an important one for so many.
I think you’re very right about this. We also assume (sorry, I assume) that we are talking about monogamous heterosexual partnerships where now we know there are many other possibilities here. People are attracted to different things and sometimes what we might used to call a platonic relationship could actually be a viable and romantic partnership where sex isn’t part of it. I’m speaking for people I don’t identify with so I will not say too much more, but I want to acknowledge that there a lots of other options out there for people than maybe what we are discussing here.
Is sex important in my marriage? Yes. However, for me it is but a component of intimacy, and intimacy is essential. We can go a month or two without sex no problem, but a month or two without intimacy would be very harmful to the relationship.
Sex is the physical. Intimacy is the emotional. While we might not have the time and energy for sex, we always find time for intimacy. A long hug in the morning or evening. Holding hands in church. Walking arm and arm. Sharing coffee on the front porch.
I look at it this way: to have a fire, one needs fuel, oxygen, and a spark to ignite it. That initial desire is the spark. Intimacy is the oxygen, sex is the fuel. In the beginning, it takes a spark and lots of fuel to get the fire going, but after a time you have a bed of coals, that residual heat, and you just need an occasional bit of fuel to keep things going, but as soon as the fire is deprived of oxygen, it is extinguished.
Absolutely! We have always continued to hug and hold hands and kiss and cuddle it was the actual intercourse that I struggled to partake in sober. I just kind of lost who I was, in a way. Not sure I even knew who I was . I love the way that you give the fire analogy. Life is hard at times which to me is like a vacuum slowly trying to suck out the oxygen. Spending time together taking and sharing our feelings is like opening a window.
Not to sire but im opposite …i want sex but my husband wont have sex with me because ive broken his trust with lying about alcohol… it breaks my heart because my love language is touch. Try doing something spicey maybe and see if it can help the drive.
This is pretty much what my thoughts have become… I get along really well with my wife, she’s my best friend. I don’t think that if anything happened to my marriage I would ever date again… the mere thought of dating is very unappealing.
For what my opinion is worth, I think sex in a marriage is just a physical form of showing your love and too much emphasis is placed on it as a marker for how you feel.
Intimacy is completely different and sharing intimate moments is worth more than sex, especially when one party isn’t invested in it.
Heartfelt intimacy is worth more than meaningless sex.
I have a very high sex drive, my wife not so much, as we have grown together I grew to realise there was more than just sex that fulfilled my desire and passion. We still have a very healthy sex life, however I had to learn about what made the sex special and pleasurable for her rather than us just having regular sex.
Can a marriage survive without sex, yes of course it can. There are many marriages built on things other than sex. If sex was the foundation of your relationship I’d say you have a hard road to follow, if it’s meant to be you will both get there together.
From what I’ve read @Blondie1x yoir marriage has been built on a foundation of friendship. That means you have something other than the physical bond of sex to keep you together.
Ultimately and the cold hard fact has to be if the love is not in your relationship and you are unhappy you need to tell him and either work it out together or walk away. Happy and separate is better than miserable and together.
100% it has taken a lot of time for me to learn this. And lots of deep intimate conversations, which actually only strengthened the foundation of our marriage more. In the beginning (of my sobriety ) I was so worried about not giving sex to my husband and because I wasn’t that he would leave. He never pestered me or sulked but it was something I thought I HAD to do to be “a proper wife”. I’ve since realised through acknowledging and communicating my past sexual trauma and working on loving myself and being gentle with myself/understanding myself sober, that if he were to leave me because I wouldn’t/couldn’t have sex with him right when he wanted it, then he was never the man for me. Not in a if you don’t like it you can bugger off kind of way but in a I need time and gentle love to work through me. I would absolutely do it for him. Marriage is so so much more than just sex.
It’s not the be all and end all. If you love your partner and they are trying to work on being/getting better, you support them and help them by trying to understand. If you both want to be together “for ever” then you would help each other. IMHO. If you find a partner that is willing to go through life with you, no matter what, then you work hard to make it work. If the world was to end tomorrow there is no one I would want beside me other than my hubby.
I would like to ask you a question @BrOKenWolf, please don’t think I’m being rude or flippant in anyway, I like the response you added and you sound like a nice man, I would love to know what you would do…
If your wife was to say to you that she is struggling to be in the mood for sex and that some terrible things happened to her when she was younger that she needed to work through. And that she doesn’t know if she can ever have sex with you again, she can hug you, kiss you and cuddle with you but actual sex is a problem for her, what would you think and feel? This is a genuine question that I’m really interested in knowing the answer to please don’t be offended . It is ok if you’d rather not answer I completely understand. But with you saying you have a high sex drive I’m interested to know how it would affect you I’m just after a husbands perspective- hope you don’t mind me asking
Ps… I did think about private messaging you this question but I don’t want you to think I’m a weirdo
I love my wife eternally, if she had been through something like that I would wait until she was comfortable within herself and able to exorcise her demons, we would work through these together because that is what a loving partner does. An ex partner was a victim of a rape when she was 14, it took a lot from her, we were together nearly 2 years before we had intercourse, I have a high understanding of sexual abuse, my mum was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and she was open about it as I was growing up so I know how it made her feel, my “needs” are mine for me to control. Even with a high sex drive I have always enjoyed other forms of intimacy, I used to think sex meant more than it did and put emphasis on it, but I was immature and foolish then.
Me and my wife went through a period of 2 years after we had our twins where she was on a contraceptive injection and it made her not want sex at all. Yes occasionally it happened but I had to accept that was a period of our relationship where she needed me to be a different kind of lover and that is when I learned to grow up and see that sex wasn’t the yardstick. Funnily enough it ended up with us having a better sex life afterwards as we learned other ways to enjoy each others physical and emotional company.
Knew I liked you!! it has taken me four years to figure this out for myself. One thing I have definitely realised is that talking and communicating all of it out loud to my fella has hands down saved our marriage! They do say don’t make any big decisions in the first year of sobriety, this I now understand. I’m so glad that the woman that wrote the initial post (43 year old me) didn’t just end it there and then because I didn’t want sex and he did. I do have to say that the 2 times that we have had sex in the last 4 years of sorting through this has been amazing. Not lustfull, crazy bonking but pure together love, you know? The patience and love that my husband has give to me makes me want to keep having that pure, together sex when everything is calm and right. Thank you for your truth and honesty in the reply, this is helping a lot of people on here including me. I wish you well my friend
Exactly, marriage is about communication and hard work.
If you don’t work at your relationship and happiness then you’re only kidding yourself that things will always be good.
Naturally relationships have their ups and downs, it’s when you are in the down phase that you work hard for each other, making changes for each other and learning what each other needs and wants.
I think it’s great that you took the initiative to talk to your hubby and that you were open with him. I have no doubt it would have been hard to do and probably harder to hear but it gave him the chance to be the man you knew he was.
You’ve found a way to make your marriage stronger in a weak moment, you have grown together and it’s good that you are enjoying passionate love making. Making love and having sex are two completely different things, love making is better than any quick lustful sex. Marriage is not a porn movie and I bet your husband enjoys having intimate sexual encounters however frequent or infrequent because you are relaxed, involved and enjoying it too.
If you ever want or need to speak in private it would be perfectly fine.
Thank you! I bloody love this place! A safe place where we can all come together to talk through difficult things. I am grateful for your honesty and for everyone that has talked and posted and helped me through this part of my journey
I echo that but don’t forget the impact you @Blondie1x have had by starting this topic, you are not the only one, by starting this topic you will have opened the door for so many people in the same boat.
I’m so glad you’re making it together 
. I love the way that you give the fire analogy. Life is hard at times which to me is like a vacuum slowly trying to suck out the oxygen. Spending time together taking and sharing our feelings is like opening a window. 
I’m just after a husbands perspective- hope you don’t mind me asking 
it has taken me four years to figure this out for myself. One thing I have definitely realised is that talking and communicating all of it out loud to my fella has hands down saved our marriage! They do say don’t make any big decisions in the first year of sobriety, this I now understand. I’m so glad that the woman that wrote the initial post (43 year old me) didn’t just end it there and then because I didn’t want sex and he did. I do have to say that the 2 times that we have had sex in the last 4 years of sorting through this has been amazing. Not lustfull, crazy bonking but pure together love, you know? The patience and love that my husband has give to me makes me want to keep having that pure, together sex when everything is calm and right. Thank you for your truth and honesty in the reply, this is helping a lot of people on here including me. 
