Can’t break the cycle

Hi. I’m Steve.

I know in my heart that I need to give up drinking to be that better person I know I am and to make sure I am there for my kids as they get older. I just can’t break the cycle tho. It’s becoming like ground hog week in week out. I recognise the pattern but just can’t seem to break it.

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AA works for me. Outpatient is also a good choice. It’s not just going to happen. You gotta put in the work to get sober.

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What are some things you’ve been trying? How long and consistently have you been trying them? Do you have a support group like AA?

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Right there with you .

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You CAN break the cycle.

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AA didn’t really work for me. I wasn’t keen on the whole higher power etc. I’m not in anyway slating it because I know AA has done wonders for people and without it they wouldn’t be where they are now. Just wasn’t for me then, maybe I should try with a more open mind now.

My cycle is… I will go a week without drinking, maybe even 10 days, exercising, eating well etc. Then boom, I feel great and go out thinking I’m all good. That then leads to 3,4,5 days on the spin and then another 2 or 3 days of self loathing. I know it’s a problem for me and 1 I desperately need to eradicate before it gets worse. I know I have a problem as I am now blacking out on my binges.

Anyway. Thanks for the replies. Much love x

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Just my two cents here. Higher power doesnt need to mean god. As addicts I think its important for us to feel like there’s SOMETHING bigger than us out there. Even if you dont believe that, the support system that aa can provide and the connections you can make are a huge resource. Even if it’s just someone to hold you accountable.

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I actually believe in god. That’s not a problem for me but I just felt there was a lot of emphasis on the higher power. As I said, I believe the great things AA have done for people is awesome, And I may well give it another go.

Did it work for you?

Oh man, I’ve been in that cycle exactly. It’s the feeling good part that would always break me. I’m eating right, exercised all week, got great sleep, then I reward my self by drinking and everything else you explained would come.

I started realizing how much I was drinking around my kids a few years ago. And then the last year I just hated how much me and my husband were drinking around them. Once I really became aware of it, it was really hard to not focus on it. And it made me feel so guilty every time I’d do it.

I’m 36 days sober now and it’s almost like my kids are as well because they aren’t constantly around alcohol dealing with the terrible things it comes with. I’ve felt really amazing about the decision.

Tonight I did a voice Google search on my phone for tropical waterfalls with my son and it suggested instead I see a picture of my son in Hawaii 4 years ago. Which made me start looking through my cloud at past pictures… And I couldn’t (and could) believe how many of them surrounded alcohol. And not only that, my kids not looking that happy and me remembering all the focus I would put on just getting to the part of the day where I could drink. I wasted all this time with them to get to the drinking.

Things won’t ever be like that for me or them again, it was a good reminder to have. But it definitely hit me hard. Wasting those nights drinking vs playing games or just being present in the same room around them is much more worth it to me than those drinks or the wasted days being hungover.

Sorry that was a long rant, I can just really relate to what you’re going through.

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I too have two kids but separated from my wife. I have shared residency but hardly drink when kids with me. It’s like I reward myself when they are not with me and go out on these huge blowouts. To be fair it’s them that keeps me going. The nights I’m not with them is when I should be more pro active in dealing with my life. They are currently in holiday for 14 nights with their mum and I’m on day 4 sober. If I can do this whilst they are not here I can do it for good.

Thankyou for the reply to the message.

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Why eschew the higher power aspects of recovery, when you are clearly aware of the lower power of addiction, and how it has you trapped in its orbit?

You do know that scientists have never seen a “black hole” correct? The very nature of a black hole makes them impossible to see with the human eye. It is the absence of light, that tells us black holes exist.

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It kinda seems like you didn’t want AA to work for you. But all I know for sure is whatever your doing now definitely isn’t working. Have you considered outpatient?

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To me it sounds like you are having a problem surrendering. I absolutely did too. I may be off base here but I’m going to go with it.

To me, and a lot of other people, the idea that I’m cometely powerless just doesn’t fit with who I am. What I quickly realized was that I control that first drink. It’s up to me if I take it or not. After that I’m COMPLETELY powerless. But before that I’m not. This isn’t just some trick or gimmick, this is the absolute truth. I absolutely refuse to take that first drink. For now, I also refuse to put myself in situations where that first drink would be easy to find. Eventually I will venture back out into the greater world, but for now I cannot be around parties or big dinners where drinking is prevalent. I’m sneaking up on my one year mark and I know a lot of my sober peers have been in these situations many times by now, but I have to exercise my control because I can’t let myself slip. I have surrendered to what works for me.

Sounds like you have a good plan to get through the worst of it while your kids are not around. When they get back and see how different you are I’m sure they will be so excited.

All in all I hope you stick around here and stay strong. This place is always here and it’s a great resource.

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Oh yeah, and outpatient, or IOP, is a great idea! Doesn’t involve AA or religion, or even surrender in the traditional way. It was my goto for 4 months. Saved my life and kept me clean through the worst months of my recovery.

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The message here is you gotta do something. Getting clean isn’t easy. It takes time and hard work. We’ve been reprogramming our brain for years by drinking, it takes time to rewire it.

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I know the cycle and I have the same problem with AA. It’s a great organization, but it just didn’t work for me. What I ended up having to do was an inpatient 30 day program in Rehab. There I learned about recovery options other than AA. For example there’s Smart Recovery or, the one I use, Refuge Recovery. There aren’t as many meetings available as with AA, but you don’t need to just do one recovery method. When my cravings get crazy, I know I can go to an AA meeting to be around and talk with people who know what I’m going through. Despite what some hard-core AA members may say, following a 12-step program is not required to heal.

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I’m with you all the way on this one. My IOP taught me the same thing and I have my own program (I’m using this word loosely). Mental health is a huge issue for me so I got to a place for therapy and my psychiatrist that is dual diagnosis. It’s a life saver!

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I used pretty much every recovery method and that’s working for me. I did inpatient for 30 days. 4 month outpatient. AA, NA, and DRA. I’ve also dabbled in SMART and plan on hitting refuge recovery soon. We don’t have any Celebrate recovery near me or I’d go to that too. I also get one on one counseling and see a psychiatrist.

Doing nothing is the only wrong way to go for me.

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I have but it’s my job that worries me. I am going to give AA another try. I feel I’m doing ok again at the minute. First sight or feeling of relapse and I will find my nearest centre.

Oh yes the first time me and my husband separated I did exactly that, go all out while they weren’t around. It was terrible. I was so depressed I felt I couldn’t be an adult on my own and me and my husband got back together. We probably never should have. Now 4 years later and we’re in the early stages of separation again.

I’m worried too for those times of freedom…

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