Hey Folks…I’ve had this app for a while but something happened last week that made me want to begin joining in on the group discussions.
After going 4 1/2 months without alcohol I decided that on Memorial Day weekend I would try drinking again. I played with the thought of me maybe not having a problem about 3 months in and hoped and all I needed was a long break from the booze.
I was with a group of friends who knew I stopped drinking for a while. I remember taking that first sip of beer…it was pleasant, for a moment. It wasn’t euphoric, just kinda nice. I liked being able to share a beer with my friends.
But then almost instantly I felt that bastard itch creeping back. Thoughts about drinking it quickly to get a buzz…what time the nearest liquor store closed and if I would have enough time to get there to buy more beer to drink at home…I’d probably have to leave early…how much could I drink now to maintain a strong buzz but still be able to drive myself home…I should get drunk tomorrow…
I picked up right where I left off. After a couple sips of beer I immediately went back to my old mindset of cravings to sink into a drunken oblivion. The same drunken oblivion that caused me so much shame and self destructive behaviours.
What I feared was true. I’m an alcoholic.
I didn’t get drunk that night, however I did the next day and following weekend.
I’m glad I took those 4 1/2 months off alcohol and I don’t regret drinking again. It proved what I dreaded. I am, in fact, an “alcoholic”. It doesn’t matter if I stay dry for a while…Me+Alcohol=Trouble. Always.
But now I can move on from this. Drinking only put my life on Pause. I didn’t accomplish anything. Staying sober gives me the advantage of being in the present moment more often and constantly progressing and improving myself.
I always enjoyed peeking in on these group discussions, given my confirmed realization I’ll try engaging more on here.
P.S. I’ll work on making my posts a little less lengthy.
I really like this, I have those same exact thoughts, maybe I just need a hiatus… But what you just described, I could feel myself being in your shoes. Thanks for the lengthy post, snapped me back into reality lol
I have moments that I think I can have just one drink to celebrate with friends or that maybe after a while of being sober I can go back to drinking again but I’m wrong. Drinking makes things worse for me and when I have one I need to have 20. Even though relapsing gives us pain and regret sometimes we have to learn the hard way and go through all of it all over again. Glad your sober and welcome back!
I can relate to your story, as probably most of us on here can. I went back to test the waters after 9 months last fall. It was horrible. Good that you’ve caught it so quickly and are seeking a better path forward!
Great post! There’s good news here man. First is that you don’t have to do that again. And second is that acceptance is huge! I never would have made it as far as I have if I didn’t accept in my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. That’s when everything changed for me. Changed for the better. Because then I could finally stop lying to myself about controlled drinking.
Powerful stuff man. I’m glad you posted this
I missed this when u posted it, but I’m glad I found it. Very well said man…“that bastard itch” lol, I like that, and I dont think I’ve ever heard a better name for it. I’ve been there too so I know what you mean, I know good and damn well there is no “maybe one day” in my future either but this would be a good one to have earmarked for the new members that join with that mindset to read. No need to apologize for the length when it’s as eloquently worded and helpful as that post is sure to be to someone, thanks for sharing and keep em coming dude!
I did the same thing. I stopped for 4 months and everyone knew I was taking a break. The second I started drinking again, I binge drank right off the bat. I felt disappointed in myself but at the same time made an excuse of being at a party with everyone else who was binge drinking. Then I put all kind of rules on myself which didn’t stick…nothing terrible happened since I started drinking again but it was always binge drinking and I know it’s ruining my health physically and I just don’t want to be that person. I want to be better and live better.
I did so much “research”. Rules didn’t mean a thing once I made the decision to drink. Relapse is a process, not usually a spur of the moment deal unless something catastrophic happens like a sudden death of a close loved one. Glad you came to, came to the realization that you’re an alcoholic. It’s a big step and 1 that I find is utterly important to be able maintain sobriety that we all crave.
As a bud of mine likes to say, welcome to the goodship sobriety. Enjoy, share, feel, live again.
Wow, this is a really powerful post, and good for you for trying this and recognising that it’s not for you. I’ve toyed with a similar idea (but i’m only one week sober!) but your story has inspired me to keep on my current, sober path.
I’m going to keep an eye open for future posts from you; I’m looking forward to reading how much more you’ve achieved through staying sober! All the best.
We’ve all been there. For me the relapse was last week. I thought I could have one beer because “beer was never my drink.” I was a wino. But as it turns out, I’m just an alcoholic. Beer worked just fine. I hated it. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. No alcohol = happy Hope. Alcohol = Hulk Hope. Nobody likes Hulk Hope, especially me. But we learn from our mistakes and move on. Keep getting better at getting better, right @Yoda-Stevie?
Yes indeed, my sober sister. Life is all about getting better, at getting better. Sober Stevie is a better husband, better father, better friend, better employee, better minister…better everything! Stronger. Smarter. Faster.
And all I have to do to keep getting better, at getting better, is to say “no” to one drink. The first drink.
When I admitted and more importantly, accepted the fact that I am an alcoholic, and sobriety is essential to everything I want out of life, I was FREE! I didn’t lose anything. I gained EVERYTHING!
It does, it sounds like something from a quote by Faulkner or Wolfe…very southern lit, i think that’s why I like it so much. I could definitely hear it coming out of my grandpa growing up in NC lol
Lol, yep…about 30 miles east of fayetteville, but I’ve roamed the whole place, lived in Wilmington, jacksonville albemarle, high point, and chapel hill lol. I like the “DMV” as they call it (district/maryland/virginia) but as far as I’m concerned Dorothy had the straight of it… theres no place like home
