Fucking battle… its exhausting.
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Self-pity tied to inertia.
If I don’t like something I should change it.
If I don’t change it, I have to accept it.
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Today I’m wearing my new shirt as a reminder that my problems are not unique. When I really get down and depressed it helps me to know that I am not the first or the last to feel the thoughts that I am thinking.
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CD of the Day:
Control, which is based in fear. Like all alcoholics (yes all) I have control issues. Lately it’s been my health, the one thing I never even realized I needed to control. Well I’m currently stuck in a cycle of endless blood tests, appointments and no answers. This was eating me up because I lost control over my body.
Well on my way to yet another appointment I prayed. I did not pray for an outcome, but to be at peace with whatever may have. I accepted it and gave it to my HP. And it worked. I know I can live with whatever happens because I am willing to give up that control.
For me I can identify a million defects, but unless I’m willing to work on them it’s really no use.
Steps 6&7 are my favorite because they provide me the most relief
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Holding onto resentments.
I didn’t realize how much anger i still harbored until I chaired tonights meeting and it started coming out of me. I felt the back of my neck heat up to the top of my head. Pure rage!
I found the right guy to help me with it. Relief!
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Impatience combined with anger. It’s an explosive combination.
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Impatience, especially with my kids when doing homework or chores. It is purely selfish, releasing my anger, and does nothing to help them concentrate or do it faster or better.
As well as picking up defects, it is important to think of the opposite action. Obviously, patience, but more concretely, waiting, silence, or calm instruction.
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Mine today and most days is is “Ego”
I always have to dress up for school runs in case I see any good looking Mums.
I’ve had a hair cut 
today and keep looking in the mirror thinking how good it looks so get a sense of self admiration every time I look.
I even had to put a selfie on social media to get more attention.
I’m aware of why I do things nowadays but I won’t stop because a bit of attention seeking now and then is ok 
As long as I don’t try to sleep with the women I get attention off I think I’m all good
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My character defect of the day is resentment about things that have to be done: appointments, farm work, chores. normal things I just don’t want to do for ridiculous reasons. Did them all, feel good about it.
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Ah!
Judgements, they happened again. I am having a hard time not brating myself for this. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” " Why are you such a bitch?" I am the queen if self sabotage and anytime I have had a person in my life who has treated me well I have found a way to turn myself against them. I can’t seem to just let go and find comfort in happiness. I will keep trying.
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Yes I have and it makes complete sense as the expectations I have on myself are extreme. Learning to accept myself and then love myself without conditions has been an uphill battle. Letting go of control (like Derek mentioned) somedays feels impossible and I can see how sick I become when I am living life in my own will. Sickness today doesn’t include substances for me but the spiritual malady I can reach in a short period of time is scary; even when I am doing “everything right”.
Thank-you for the reminder, I had not taken into consideration that this flare up with my eating disorder and control for self perfection had something to do with this onset of judgement towards others.
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today’s defects are numerous, resentment, self pity, ego. The last few days anger was the most worrisome
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My reaction to criticism. Need to think and analyze this later a bit for myself.
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Is there a list of character defects anywhere? Lol like what is the definition of a character defect? How can you spot them?
Just curious lol
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You can google: AA character defects list. Most of the links are for rehab sites! Here’s a good list: http://www.aa-munich.org/documents/step_6/step6-contrasts.pdf
I always use DuckDuckGo when I do searches like that since they don’t track you.
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Oh wow!! This list is incredible!! So the left side is the flaw and the right side is the opposite of the flaw (assets). So for example:
Self pity is the flaw - gratefulness is the assets?
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Yeah, I’ve never seen the defects list set up this way, with the opposite of the defect given. That must be what we strive for. Gratefulness, realistic and accepting would be instead of self-pity. Usually when we are in self pity our thinking is distorted. So realistic thinking would help take us out of self pity.
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my judgemental side could help point out any of y’alls defects Lol gonna be working on this one defect again and again
edit… maybe i’d just be projecting
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My authority defiance disorder is triggered. Working through it…
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CD of the day:
Selfishness. Sometimes this goes hand in hand with my self-pity. Once I get up in my own head I tend to stay there and invite others to come along. As a result I tend to not be attentive of others.
To combat this I have started working 10 and 11 more regularly throughout my day. I have been relieved of my self-pity (for now) and I am now able to work on step 12 by attending more meetings, sharing my story with others, as well as focusing on listening more than talking.
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