Last night I prayed for the first time in…well, probably 2 decades. I wasn’t told to or anything, but I hear people talk about it so I tried it since I had a lot of hurt in me. I was raised Catholic and was strong-armed into being an altar boy, but I certainly don’t consider myself religious. Who or what I prayed to, I don’t know. I used the word “God”, but I’m not quite sure what that mesns for me yet.
I apologized for not praying in such a long time and I apologized for being so ignorantly dismissive of things like prayer and the concept of “God” at times in the past. I humbly asked God to help me; to help rid me of the sadness, anger, and frustration that I feel has been a constant presence in my life for so many years. I asked God to help me find the peace that I have always sought, yet never found. I asked God to guide me towards joy, however he/she sees fit. I told God that I am ready for his/her guidance. Maybe “peace” is just acceptance, I don’t know. Like in Buddhism, life is suffering…and once you can accept that, it doesn’t suck nearly as much. Peace…or something like it.
I also asked God to please, please give me some sign that things can and will be better, that the peace I’ve been searching for my whole life is possible. I know this sign may never come, or it may just be very subtle. I also know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. So tonight, I pray again.
Checking in on day 21. Three weeks down! I celebrated with a 17 mile bike ride. Now I am eating chocolate covered almonds on my sofa. wishing you all well.
Laying here about to call it a night but MAN it feels good to know I’m 10 days in I have struggled so with wanting to stop drinking… I’m so glad I finally said enough is enough!
I grew up catholic too and did the Sunday school thing for years. I’m not religious by any stretch of the imagination and pray maybe once a week. I do however feel a higher power is there watching, listening, and guiding us. Everyday there are signs all around us… it’s just how you interpret them I guess. I hope you find peace. You’ll know when you do. Don’t give up it’s there waiting for you.
Good job man! Keep it up. A lot of us slip up now and again. What I’ve learned since my day 1 is to just keep trying. Keep coming back and one time will stick. Hoping to make it to a month again(at least) bc it will be on my birthday
95.89 days… Just having a hard time lately. The weird part is I don’t even feel like talking about it, seeing anyone, doing anything, I just want quiet and isolation. Still working through the passing of my friend. My therapist said my abandonment issues are in full force on that one. I’ve not been myself since he died.
Had an issue with my 14-year-old this evening. I raised my voice which I’m very disappointed about. She needed consequences, but I see raising my voice as losing control which I’ve not done in months. She said she was texting her dad, fine. He texts me to see if we can meet tomorrow so she can go back there. Fine. He didn’t even ask what happened. She loves to play us against each other and he always takes the bait.
So… I had my conversations with my therapist up front in my mind. Normally I would have responded with the whole story and defend myself so he doesn’t think I’m a bad parent. But today I did not. I politely answered his questions about arrangements and left it at that. I don’t have to explain myself to him. This is my house and my rules. I won’t be disrespected in my home.
Lastly in this god awful long ass post… my divorce was supposed to go through today. Not sure if it did or not. Don’t care, I know it’s soon. I’m going back to my first husband’s name. I was bullied in to changing it by both husbands. So fuck you both, I’m having the same name as my kids. Husband one adopted my 24-year-old. I gave her his name, and now he wants to say I can’t have it back? She is my blood. Whatever, I’m no longer going to be crippled by what people think of me. Kissing ass and people pleasing has backfired 100% of the time. Oh, and Emily isn’t planning on changing her name when she gets married, so…
Day 63.
The number seemed kinda blah this morning. But a colleague who had an unfortunate mix-up at the pet store last spring told me that 9 weeks is roughly the gestation period of guinea pigs. So hey - whole families of rodent pets have been born during my sobriety. Where am I going with this?
Day 1 no overtime at work. I just need to make it a mindset. We return to the office in 2-3 weeks too. I feel mixed about it - it will be good for setting work/life balance boundaries, but I expect the “HIT ME” craving button but will be activated with some of the face-to-face. Will say the serenity prayer as I pass 4 liquor stores on the 8 minute drive home!
I gave in to too many coffees yesterday and slept in shifts last night. Gonna tuck in now and wish all of you another beauty day tomorrow (or today). G’night
@TMAC your post above is honest and real and beautiful. And your summary of buddhism made me belly laugh! Thank you. Maybe this will help @CapriciousCapricorn accept her mosquito fate?
This die hard atheist (me) is relating a whole lot to what you wrote. I guess I’m spiritual, but I know the feeling of being desperate for a sign, for something to show that we are on the path. The “right” path? Or any path? I don’t know. Just to not feel alone in it all, I think. Do what feels right to you, and if praying helps, then pray. I ask the gods, the universe, my ancestors for guidance daily. I do think you hit something when you talk about finding peace. That’s what I’m seeking, anyway. Peace be with you.
347 Days. Everything was going fine with work today and out of nowhere I felt nausea. I struggled through my last 2 hours of work. Luckily I was working from home today. I was supposed to do overtime but couldn’t shake the feeling. I layed down when I was done and avoided all food. This brought me back to my using days when I would constantly feel sick but continued using and drinking anyway. Starting to feel a little better now as I get ready to go to bed.
Coffee. I’m getting ready for a 2 day bike trip with some German hospitality tonight. Will have to refuse the aperitif and the schnapps they will no doubt offer me at dinner time. Haven’t been away alone for some time so that’s a first. I’ll make it. Sober and clean.
The kitchen is taking shape. Will finish it when I return. But now for some nature and quiet and cycling. Thanks for being here all. It helps so much to know I’m not alone. Have a good day. Clean and sober. Love from Amsterdam.
wishing you all well.
I have struggled so with wanting to stop drinking… I’m so glad I finally said enough is enough!
. Been reading posts all week. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your community
