Checking in mid way thru day 319.
Said my prayers, did my daily reading, gratitude on here. Hoped this kinda sore throat would go away, that maybe its just morning dryness, but it hasn’t, so I contacted my people and now have to go get the covid test. Was able to schedule one for 5 hours from now. Still sucks now its a wait for the test and then results. My sponsor says patience and my addict says fuck it. Well I say I can do this but it doesn’t make it any easier, or less stressful and exhausting. Called Mom and she’s pretending to not be worried, such a sweet lady. My housemates are just whatever. I’m frustrated at the fact that, on Sunday night one of them came home with a cough and runny nose, saying oh no, its not covid or a symptom. He’s gone back out to his dads farm yesterday, He’s been visiting family and friends and a new woman in areas that are supposed to be on covid lockdown, really pissing me off the more I think and write here about it. Breathe and relax, Brian, breathe and relax. I feel and sound so judgmental look at yourself brian, going to meetings and grocery stores and a treatment center almost daily, taking public transit. I wear my masks, clean my clothes, shower and sanitize but alot of high risk activities. This new world is stressful clean and sober, I’d be losing my shit even more if I was drinking so there’s that postive.
God bless you all. 
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Checking in Halfway through the day…
Work is going well so far. My client is quite talkative today so we had some good conversations (even though her side of the conversation is based more on her delusions). Anyway, its been a productive day 
No major issues with cravings… slight thought here and there. Feeling grateful for my BBQ ranch taco salad right now 
for my job, for my family and for you guys. Honestly… if I didn’t have TS I wouldn’t have much support at all with my addiction right now. You guys rock!!!
Checking in, day 26. Recently I have emotionally busy days. Yesterday I started to think about sex addiction and realized that I have plenty of errors to correct in myself. Till now I haven’t payed attention to them but now it became clear to me what a selfish asshole I really am in this field. The hardest part is that change doesn’t come with realization, it’s not that yesterday I had a bad day, so today I will watch it and behave otherwise, because that “good” behavior is not a part of my personality - or at least it isn’t at the moment. So I have a lot to work on, don’t really know where to start. I’m glad that here I could get help.
A friend of mine just wrote me asking how I was. We haven’t met in like two years cause she lives in a different country, but even so we are quite close to each other. And it just came to my mind, that fuck, I forgot to come out to her and she still thinks I’m a girl 
So I explained everything in the response. She hasn’t answered yet, I’m a bit nervous how will she react, will I lose her or not – I hate these waitings, sometimes so much is at stake.
They said it’s only a 2 hour procedure and it’s mostly done by a robot. I believe they said I’ll be there overnight and if everything is ok I can go home then. They say it will be about six weeks to recover before I can return to work. Thanks Donna 
Day 9. Still sober. Dropped in on an AA meeting last night for the first time ever in my life. Felt a strangely right to be there.
Sobriety is actually quite challenging. I feel like a frog that has been boiled alive. Alcohol addiction, or disease, however this would be politically correct to say, happened so gradually that it took me some time to realize what is going on. I still don’t believe I’m here in this situation trying to face this problem. It feels unreal at times, but I have admitted to myself this is real.
Enough of that…one day at a time is all I can do.
Day 15
So I conquered yesterday’s challenge to throw a dinner party and buy my guest some wine and didn’t drink myself. I expected to feel much positive energy today and that I immerse myself in victory (hope that’s correct English ) . But no! Cravings all over tonight. My mind pulls me to the bottle of champagne which is left from my wedding in July, and there are also 2 beers in the fridge. I can almost taste the beer or champagne and feel the tickling on my tongue. When I try hard to imagine and observe doing this, it’s not even tasty. So that’s good!
Then I read some of you are also suffering from heavy cravings and read the reactions with so many helpful tips and sweet encouragements. Helped a lot. Thanks for that! Now I’m less restless, thank god! Decided to put on my pj’s, sit on the couch under a blanket and read ‘Human kind; a hopeful history’ from Rutger Bregman to get those positive vibes back.
Wishing you calm minds everyone!
This is the best analogy to describe what I’m feeling. I’ve walked this particular stretch of road many times, but what’s beyond that I haven’t and it’s uncharted territory for me. Which is scary. It’s just mind fucking me that I’m approaching what’s typically been my self imposed limit.
I don’t intend on drinking. I’m just being plagued by thoughts of self doubt, which are proving to be harder to let go of. I believe I can continue, but I also feel like I don’t know that I can, until I actually do it.
@Misokatsu Thank you. I do think I’m falling back into the trap of what I’m thinking I need to be to consider myself a “functioning adult”. It’s a pretty high standard. I think that’s where some of my “Can I live up to this?” thoughts are coming from.
@TSan & @CATMANCAM Thank you for the support and encouragement.
@M-be-free49 Thank you for the link. I’ll definitely give it a listen. I’m open to anything that will help.
947
Even though few people show for the Tuesday noon meeting of NA, I keep the door open until 1300. To me, being of service means staying even though no one is here. I want to be here for the suffering addict who may walk through the door at 1255, knowing I may be able to help keep them clean, if only Just for Today.
Day 292~ Well with COVID behind me I now have a cold. I’ve been sneezing 
like crazy. Other than that I’m doing ok. My taste and smell is about 75% back. I’m thankful that things didn’t get much worse and we are all ok and on the mend. 
I’ve been feeling a little depressed lately not sure exactly why. Maybe with the holidays coming and missing family and REALLY missing my pups. I miss my dogs so much. 
I’ve never not had a pet so it’s really been super hard for me. We currently live with my in laws but are activity looking to buy another property this time not for an investment but for us to actually live in! As soon as we do move we are going to get a dog. I want to be settled in our new home and space before bringing a new addition in. 
I know even though each day there is some kind of struggle or challenge I can work through it without having to pick up and drink. The future is bright and I’m looking forward to what’s next. I have so much to be thankful for and have my sobriety to thank for that.
Keep fighting and keep believing in yourself. We do recover. We truly are blessed.
Thank you! I appreciate it
He Donna! Eldest has now gone back to his house so managed to get time for a bath. Youngest is finishing his shift soon and we’ve got a bit of bad news regarding the car repairs that are causing his flare ups but we have decided to not tell him tonight and try and arrange and sort it for him in the morning. That way, hopefully no more testosterone teenage stress tonight 
and when we tell him the problems tomorrow we can offer a solution straight away. Kids ey! I’m so glad I reached out 
Cake in the bath! Omg… fantastic idea! I’m glad you’re feeling better, I am too I think. The lads have settled for now so hopefully my mind will slow and I can get some sleep. Thanks Sarah!
Thanks Rob
Joining the 700 day Club! Wohoo!!
Time is just flying by. But i am staying grateful each and every day - never forgetting where i am coming from. Life is so much better sober. I dont feel that i missed anything during these 700 days, but the temptation is just around the next corner and therfore i will keep my guards on standby
Congratulations on your 700 days. 
That is amazing! Good for you 
Hang in there hun💛
Goodnight all, a short night ahead.
