yeh to one whole week 
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Talk about what you like as long as itās not abusive itās all good buddyā¦ if ppl donāt want to read about your AA experience they donāt have to. Talking helps, so i suggest you keep doing it. I personally like reading your journey.
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Day 27. I slept!! I am going to start my evening/sleep earlier. I usually head in to bed at 11p and then I am still awake at 1am.
I woke up with an incredible amount of joy this morning. I was born a super joyful person. I was the baby that was always smiling and laughing. I was the same for about 10 years of life until I wasnāt. No one really liked that prepubescent spat of reality. I learned to be really good at faking it in order to be the person people wanted to see.
Now, I realize I can be a joyful person who also gets sad, contemplative, agitated, angry. I am learning to navigate those feelings, work through them, and circle back to joy again.
For those following along, this is a long process. Donāt look at 27 days and think thatās all it takes. I have been battling my demons for decades, working on me. Truthfully, thoughā¦the work has a significantly lower impact when you are still under the influence.
WTG, @Charlie_C! Three weeks!!! 
@Misokatsu Ah, Fleur! I hope the cat comes back.
@cwak - 14 isnāt the longest anymore! Keep on getting at it!
@MagicILY - Congrats on your week!
@pdebs - I have been quarantined and I can tell you, there is not one part of me that wants to go back into the grocery stores next week. Store to store, county to county. My city passed its first mask mandate since the beginning of the virus. Whoād have thought that selling groceries would be a stressful job?
@Jamie3 Congrats on two weeks!
@FeelingBetter = Three weeks, Jean! Yay!!!
@Ledmeyer53 - Welcome to the forum, my friend. I am glad youāre here!
@Mno - Menno, all your pictures have Amsterdam creeping up on my bucket list. I think it will be our first post-Covid destination.
@anon60334405 - Man, I donāt do AA, but I think that people who do should share it. Like Conor said, it might help others. You never know whatās going to stick with people. Itās also beneficial for you to just get it out. Not one person on this forum should be ākeeping it to (them)self.ā
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I been staring at this for at least 5 minutes Dan
@Dan53 (cuz I canāt quote like normal people on here it donāt work for me.)
ā406 daysā¦
I woke up wanting to drink this morning, it was brief and i worked through it but it certainly reminded me that I WILL ALWAYS BE AN ALCOHOLIC. The good news is that i get to decide if Iām an active alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic.ā
I want to comment on the horror of getting past 400 days and still waking up and wanting a drink. And just the fucking power of the addiction devil. Satan at his finest work. We will all always have to be on our guard.
But then the JOY of knowing āwe get to decide!ā
Iām glad you kick his ass again.
I donāt know. Just fixated on your post and wanted to comment on it.
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OMG 
Iām so sorry Luisa. That must hurt so much. I cannot imagine your pain and betrayal. You donāt deserve that at all. No one does. Iām praying you are dealing with your emotions sober and that you will continue to know the sober you is the best you.
What a fucking asshole 
and a big hug.
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I hesitate to post things like that because i donāt want people to think itāll always be hard and discourage ppl. Itās rarely hard these days but it still happens once in a while which is why maintaining a connection with recovery is so important. In the end weāre all just doing our best to go to bed sober. Youāre doing awesome my friend!
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Luisa im sorry to hear that 
i hope you feel better the pain wont last forever make the best decision you think will be the best follow your heart theres many fish in the sea 
and this one is flip flopping throw em out
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Nov 5 2020
Life live it you only get one .
Go after your dreams and goals
Achieve and dont stop keep working dont get tired much to do healing is essential in healthy decisions IM A MACHINE 
Thats all for today.
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Awesome thank you @Piglet . Yes Faith has been co fronting with another alter named Sage. And the only way I can tell when weāre not together is the way that her interaction with me turns very cold and uncaring. At times Faith will let me know that sheās feeling what she calls āblendyā which means another alter is pushing into the front. Other times I donāt think Faith realizes that someone has come to the front and she doesnāt know it or thinks itās her feeling these things when from the outside I can tell it isnāt Faith. Any conversation about what Iām feeling during these times is met with zero consideration of my feelings and zero compassion or empathy. Itās tough but the times when Faith is Faithā¦ priceless. The most intense and beautiful relationship Iāve ever been in. Thank you for the support Graham and thatās cool we have the same date! Hereās to coming up on six months hell yeah!!! Have a great day!! 
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@TeejLazer congrats on 500! 
@MagicILY congrats on 2 weeks, and the many accomplishments along the way 
@Drave welcome and congrats on 6 days
@Jamie3 congrats on 2 weeks
@FeelingBetter congrats on 3 weeks Hope Skiing was fun
@Tommo I resonate with that, I get rage outbursts but only on my own and itās when things donāt work right and reflecting on that I can see thatās my internalised feelings of inadequacy for not being able to fix said things.
@Charlie_C congrats on 3 weeks
@Luisa53 Sorry to hear this, betrayal is the worst, sending strength, cut all contact and never look back!
@cwak congrats on 2 weeks
@802 youāre back, thatās what matters now, congrats on 2 days
85 days no Cocaine.
But - I got to 7 months 11 days with no smoking and at 8pm last night I bought a packet, Iām now on my 2nd packet. I knew I was going to end up resetting atleast one of my counters this week, the multitude of cravings was unbearable. I hate being an addict and always needing something , I hate how my mood has been so much better since that first cig last night, I hate that I feel really content and relaxed, despite not getting out for any walks today, despite having zero sleep last night, because I was awake all night smoking cigarettes. I tried so hard not to buy another packet, only lasted 3.5hrs. I donāt want to buy any more. I need to find something else to add into my sober days. I just wish I could find something that lifts my mood and takes the tension away like these things I donāt want to be doing does (smoking, binge-eating). I feel embarrassed so Iāll leave it there today.
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Checking in, day 30. Iām being depressed recently. Sometimes I have the feeling that my brain got used to having problems so much, that normal life just looks boring - although thereās nothing I would wish more than having normal days. I have troubles to solve and Iām bored at the same time. It would be good to switch my brain off for a day.
@CATMANCAM I can so relate to that! There are so many sources of danger out there and we always have to be on standby to recognize and avoid them. This constant battle and alertness can be so exhausting.
Unfortunately there is no such thing. We are used to finding an exit from our troubles immediately, any time we want, but in real life there are no loopholes, we just have to live our lives no matter how crap it is. We have to accept that being sober is a different world with different rules and we cannot check out because we may not be able to come back.
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Welcome. Keep checking in daily. 
Thank you, this is very true about about always wanting to escape the uncomfortable, because thatās what weāve been doing most of our lives. I used to escape by working 3 jobs and never having time to sit with my feelings, but now I canāt work. Since being unable to work from January this year, I was using up until 85 days ago, so I guess for the first time since I took my first drink at age 12, Iām forced to feel everything. There is much uncertainty in my life for the forseeable, and a lot of impending and unwanted change, and these things have always been difficult for me. I think I will try to find a creative outlet, I used to enjoy being creative, even though Iām not talented, itās the process that counts. Thank you for helping me to reflect, and congrats on your 30 days
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I wish that everyone knew on Day 1 how amazing this choice is, how powerful. So many go into it with FOMO or shame. Having choice is a gift, a damn super power!
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Day 70. I got up early and got my errands done and voted in our runoff election. Made it home just in time to take a walk with Max before the rain started. Now that all this running around is done, I can just do laundry and read and climb into bed early. Tomorrow, thereās nothing on the schedule except walks with Max and maybe baking some cookies.
Reading through everyoneās posts, it seems like a lot of us have the end of year, early winter blahs. I donāt know about everyone else, but I always tend to struggle during this part of the year. The days are short, the weather is weird, and the holidays can be stressful with family and friends (even if you donāt celebrate). I am so proud of all of us for staying sober even during these trying times.
@anon60334405, Iām sorry youāre struggling. I really hope you will share your thoughts with us. Reading your updates has meant a lot to me over the past couple of months.
@Luisa53, I nearly cried when I read your posts. I went through a very similar thing nearly two years ago. Take a deep breath and remember youāre strong, and that you deserve so much more than what your ex was offering you. You deserve honesty and faithfulness in a partner, and Iām glad youāre not settling for less.
@Tomek congratulations on 30 days! Iām so glad youāre here with us!
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Nearing the end of day 14. Iāve had a successful day, but here are a few interesting things Iāve noticed. Youāre all welcome to speak into theseā¦
-
The intensity of the emotions. Whatever Iām feeling, it seems so much stronger than it has in the past. Whether it be anger, stress, or happiness, the emotions are very obvious.
-
Had my first suicidal thought today in a very long time. This took me by surprise and it was in the middle of an extremely stressful moment. It came and went within an hour, but it was there.
-
I still havenāt had a conversation with my wife about my life change. She isnāt a drinker, so itās not like anything sheās doing would hinder what Iām doing. But part of me wants to have the conversation. Iām very hesitant to speak about it with her. I feel ashamed and embarrassed whenever Iām about to bring it up, so then I choose not to say anything. I donāt think she would condemn me or really respond negatively at all. But the voice in my head just nags me ā¦ what if I say something to her about it and then fail at some point down the road? What if she scoffs at me on the inside? I know the WHAT IFS are stupid and have no place in moving forward with sobriety, but they are strong in this part of my journey.
Thanks for reading. Grateful for all of you!
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About the third point: if you tell her, she will have a lot better understanding about whatās going on with you and itās important not just for your sobriety but for your relationship as well. You can change, you can struggle, you can have problems with anger management - if she knows the reason she can understand and support you. Otherwise you will be distancing from her and it is the worst when the doubts and cravings come later on. Isolation is the worst, connection is the key, even if it feels scary and risky. You risk more by not telling her imo.
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@Tomek You make a really good point there. Thanks for the encouragement!!
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@Luisa53 that is totally messed up, you must be feeling all kinds of feelings, hugsš. Now is the time to be strong and sober.
@cwak as alcoholics we are used to hiding, lying, sneaking. Being open and truthful is very uncomfortable for us. But with our closest family the freedom of honesty is so refreshing
Still no cat. I got upset because I was asking neighbors showing a picture of the cat with my daughter, really reminded me what a loved member of the family he had become
Got teary and because I was trying to hold it in because it would make the children upset, gave myself a splitting headache, even vomited, it felt just like a terrible hangover. Not the best weekend.
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