@anon60334405 and @siand I haven’t seen much about the pink cloud recently either.
So far for me I think it comes and goes. Most of the time I’m still so excited about sobriety but I’ve noticed that every week I’ll have a day or two when I’m more bleh.
I don’t have any desire to drink at all on those days; I think it’s just the monotony of our semi-lockdown when there really isn’t much to do. I have to constantly remind myself that although this way of everyone living like a hermit is our new normal, it still isn’t normal.
Checking in Dec 15
Deppression GONE from lastnight iam pumped more then ever mind is working overtime for better opportunities for new doors work work work ! without pain without sweat blood or tears we dont get to where we want to be this is LIFE life isnt fair isnt easy it was never meant to be a walk in the park Lets go savage lets go beast mode Lets Goooo !!!
Really big day today. Went to the doctor and spilled the beans about my alcohol abuse and addiction. I’ve never been honest with a physician about it. It has messed up my body enough that something must be done. They’re being surprisingly kind and helpful. Not feeling any judgement, and for that I’m thankful. 24 days behind me. The rest of my life ahead of me.
I was talking to someone with more sober time about some struggles I was having, not sobriety related per se, and he said that the first few years of recovery were rough for him.
In some ways it is really annoying, when we are stitching together our first weeks and months it seems like this insurmountable thing… So if we can do a year (or whatever) then why wouldn’t the rest have fallen into place?
However I took it to be quite comforting, being where I’m at. An assurance that it’s ok that I don’t have it all worked out yet. This shit is tricky.
And just because everything isn’t ‘fixed’ (although, wtf does that even mean?!) it doesn’t mean we haven’t achieved some really awesome stuff. I heard a phrase the other day which felt helpful - don’t let the good be the enemy of the perfect.
Life continues, everything changes, and we are here for the ride!
@Nordique you are right about the monotony too. I have been very conscious that I have been lucky with my situation through Covid, I’ve had choices and opportunities so it doesn’t seem fair to moan. But honestly I am an extrovert and I’m just so fucking over it
I’ve talked yesterday in my outpatient therapy about grief of a part of myself during sobriety. It’s pretty hard. It’s like grieving a still living part of my identity. It’s still vivid sometimes, although it is not what I want and what I need anymore. Everything that part of me had is now lost or well hidden. Even then, I still hear it crying out loud very often. Then I keep going doing my things… knowing that this part of me is trying to come back to life. For the first couple of weeks of sobriety I had to be rough on it. Restrict it, blame it for my behaviours and depression. Now I feel the need to be more gentle, to understand why it has been there all this time, why it chose to act the way it did, and how desperate it was for all this year, just trying to survive. It’s no more serving me, it’s limiting my growth. Still, I miss it. I don’t miss the outcome of it, but I used to love its well known corners and patterns. Like a cage you’ve invested and decorated for years. Now I am free, but a part of me is still adapted to be in a cell. I am grieving this prisoner that will never be forgotten nor dead. It’s like knowing he has to stay in a cell forever, and at the same time understanding why he did what he did. And I can’t let him out nor pardon him, I can only pardon myself - the part of me that wasn’t all taken by him. Sorry, old-me, I have to go. I will never forget you.
Today is my 1 month of no smoking! It feels so short of a time, minuscule compared to the time I spent with a cigarette in my hand. Yet, it also feels like 30 long days of hacking and slashing at my cravings and false wants.
1 month into quitting something I thought I would die with in my hand…chained irrevocably together. Now, with this separation, I am beginning to see I was in an abusive relationship. It made me believe we were friends, that it loved me…that the abuses to my body were my fault…look what I made it do to me. I would be nothing without it, am nothing without it…
Now…
It is an inanimate object, lifeless, and deceptive. I cannot take just one hit and be fine. I am an addict. Now, when it calls to me, I realize it isnt “it” doing the calling…
It is me trying to revive something that wasn’t there to begin with.
2 weeks shocks me, longest I have been since Highschool. Even weathered a horrible day at work a couple days ago. Customer pulled a gun on me and threatened my life. Crazy thing was…I never wanted to drink, but I was seconds away from buying some Copenhagen after it all was over. Resisted the urge and stayed tobacco free!
Congrats on 2 weeks i remember my first 2 with tobacco it gets easier . Are you okay ? Glad you got to see onother day that is crazy and you stayed tobacco free thats amazing friend
I’ve never talked to a doctor about it. Too ashamed because I like to show the facade that I am this happy person who has it all together. Maybe I should try to talk to him.
Not often. I reall wasnt worried, it was just a wanna be thug trying to be tough. Pretty sure I could have taken the gun out of his hand before he would have known it.
Today was the day Prince was back at the vets to have the wire removed from his jaw, in regards to that, things went smoothly and I had him home by 1:30pm, but they found a ‘bubble’ lesion above his left canine and they don’t know what it could be so I have to somehow(?) keep my eye on it. A quick Google suggests it’s tooth resorption, which would make sense considering that’s what the reason was for the removal of all his back teeth, and I worry because it says it’s extremely painful, though he is a tough boy and shows no sign of discomfort bless him, I’m going to do my best to start applying the antiseptic gel again now I know his jaw is aligned and strong again.
My foot is agony today so it’s rest again on that front.
Had support group this morning which I’m pleased I went to, it’s not the same one as I spoke about last week with the issues, this is the one alongside the DBT course group, and we now have a WhatsApp set up as of today, so that’s extra support for all involved which I’m grateful for.
I am still very unsure whether I will attend the other support group on Thursday after that issues last week, I don’t feel comfortable with it at all, but might go and have an excuse on standby to leave early if I find it too uncomfortable. It can’t kill me, it’s all on Zoom.
I am debating whether to attend my first CA meeting tonight, I would really like to give it a shot, but it would be the first time I’ve been in a room with other people since Covid and now that the opportunity has arisen, I’m not sure how I feel about the risk factor, and I’m not sure how it will work with wearing masks etc, I mumble at the best of times so I’d be anxious no one would hear the little I’d likely say. It starts in just over 2 hours so I will eat and make a decision. I’m leaning towards going now that I’ve typed it out
