Day 30. I was in a fantabulous mood this morning, despite a crappy night sleep. I had every intention of just drinking tonight. Hungry - No. Angry - Yes. Lonely - ish Tired - So tired.
“Drink? Why not? It doesn’t make a difference, right? I am no better off by not drinking. The kids don’t give a shit. I might as well just drink. I am not really that bad. I don’t black out. I don’t drive drunk. I don’t do drugs. Fuck it. It does. not. matter.”
But - it does matter. Even if it’s only because ordinary people don’t do this merry-go-'round shit. I don’t even want to be ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. Extraordinary people do what other people don’t. They quit and stay quit, even when it’s hard because it’s right and it makes sense. It makes sense to do hard things and show other people that you’re fine doing hard things - because you’re extraordinary!
That is all. No alcohol in the house, so none in my mouth. The End.
Thank you for telling us. I think it’s easier to share triumphs and good days and when we go through the shit we want to just put it behind us without another thought. I know I do. It takes a lot of guts to come on here and be brutally honest. I appreciate you and the gift of honesty you give to us. I’ll raise my store brand sparkling water and lime to you and all of us exceptional folks. Cheers, Jené.
Checking in day 17. I can’t believe I’m almost 20 days in! For the last 4-5 days a restless anxiety has settled deep into my bones. A feeling that I’m sad and irritated and like i hate myself seems to be running in the background of my mind even though I am grateful for my life and my sobriety… I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I do know that drinking isn’t the answer.
That’s brave and decisive of you Rob. Unfortunately there is no way to get through to Faith while Sage nudges her way to the front. I hope she does get help so Sage is not so dominant, but I’m impressed with your courage and how you have not disappeared down to the bottom of a bottle.
Thank you Graham yeah it’s really hard because I love her so much. I’ve accepted the fact that there is no way I can even reach Faith with such a dominant personality in control and I can only pray ( which I’ve been doing non stop ) for her to find peace and for her to be able to maybe fight back against this alter and come back. It sounds so strange talking about the situation but it’s a real deal disorder that a lot of people aren’t familiar with. I always embraced the system (name of all of the alters collectively ) and they me as well and it’s just this one that has such hatred for me I just am absolutely powerless to do anything about it and it really hurts. I appreciate your support it means a lot thank you. Have a good night.
Day 16. Tough as shit kind of day. Grabbed my wallet and was very close to going to the store, but I didn’t let that little SOB in my mind control me. I went for a run instead.
Day 73. This week has not started out well. Work has been ridiculous, I twisted my bad knee, and I’m struggling to find a new therapist. This is usually a difficult time of year for me, but this year, it seems particularly tough. I’m trying to keep a handle on my depression and anxiety, but each day it seems like a bit more of a slog. Tonight, I was invited out for holiday drinks, and I was really tempted. A glass of wine sounded like just the thing. But then I realized that I never had one glass of wine, or one beer. I had one, and then I wanted all the rest. And I don’t want to be that person any more. I don’t want to cry in public and say dumb things and trip and fall and generally be a huge embarrassment. I don’t want to wake up and not remember what I said or how I got that bruise or wonder where I have to start my latest apology tour. So, I said no thank you. I came home and played with Max and took a bath, and now I’m snuggled in bed. I will go to sleep sober and wake up the same way tomorrow morning.
So many people are doing awesome things here! @Desire2ChangeToday, congratulations on 500 days! @Mno, 18 months today! That’s amazing! @MrsOdh, triple digits! Yay!!! @EarnIt, I really related to what you wrote today. Thank you for your openness. It helps the rest of us feel less alone. @Briella, two weeks!! I’m glad that sobriety is feeling more comfortable for you. I’m so happy for you!
@Rockstar24777, I’ve been following along with your journey, and with the story of you and Faith. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for you with her. I can tell how much you love her by the way you’ve always written about her, and I think the fact that you helped her get the help she needed is a gift she may well not completely understand for quite some time.
That said, I am incredibly proud of you for loving yourself first and foremost, and walking away from a situation that was an unhealthy one for you. It takes so much strength to break up with someone you love. It takes so much strength to put your mental health and sobriety first. Please take good care of yourself as you mourn your relationship and continue forward. You deserve a relationship with a person who appreciates you for who you are.
@TSan that was really sweet of you to say thank you very much. It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life and even though it was the right thing I feel very heavy hearted right now to say the least. I really appreciate you and everyone else that have reached out to me today. I can truly say that each one of you have given me a lift in my spirit that I would’ve never have been able to have without you all. So grateful for you and everyone here, I don’t know what I’d do without you all. I get emailed the daily meditation for Adult Children of Alcoholics and it really hit home with me. The part where it says we were yelled at, pushed aside and neglected when we were children is exactly what it was like when I was a kid and why I’m sure it’s so painful that this is exactly what I’ve been experiencing in the relationship. Thank you again so much you have no idea how much I appreciate you and everyone else, have an amazing night. Here’s the reading:
Self-Love
"Self-love enables the adult child to back-fill the love or nurturing we did not get as children." BRB p. 436
Long ago we were yelled at, pushed aside, and neglected. In our quiet times, we wondered in our little child minds, “Why? What did I do wrong?”
We looked out at the world and saw a dad playing in the yard with his kids. Those kids looked so happy. We stood in our yard alone, feeling like the only kid in the world nobody loved.
This lack of love set the stage for years of searching. We found relief now and then when a teacher smiled or a friend bragged about us. But nothing made us feel loved enough to take away the pain. Some of us used drugs, alcohol, food, and other compulsive activities to fill the empty spot where love should have been.
When we got to ACA, we felt a connection when we heard others talk about their loveless lives because now we knew we weren’t alone. We learned that the reason we didn’t feel loved was because of something out of our control: true love can’t co-exist along with alcoholic and dysfunctional thinking.
It wasn’t our fault! We were always lovable. We made a commitment to start over and love ourselves.
On this day I will take positive action to love and nurture myself in a way only I can.
Checking in on Day 11 no alcohol. I appreciate these daily check ins. Even when I’m not feeling any craving, it’s just a good reminder to reflect on why I’m staying sober.
I’m sure many people on here are familiar with the show Nurse Jackie. I’ve been watching it and have three episodes left…I want to see how it ends but I also don’t want it to be over!! Watching this show while working with my own addictions has been helpful for me. Also learning that Edie Falco herself has been sober for a long time is inspiring.
There’s a whole world out there, and I’m beginning to identify myself as a person who doesn’t need alcohol to experience it. This time around I feel like I’m not just trying to take a break for alcohol. I am a person who doesn’t drink. I like knowing there are so many other people who are also not drinkers, for whatever reason it may be. I’m also trying to transform the feelings of jealousy I’ve been noticing for people who can drink “normally.” If someone can enjoy alcohol without any issues, then good for them. I’m just not one of those people. I don’t need to be jealous or angry about it. I just need to relate with the current situation I’m in and move forward.
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