I truly envy the kid in you. I just haven’t been able to get there this year.
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Day 108: I had a moment this morning where I was transported back to a time when things were bad. The memory was visceral. I started feeling clammy and my mouth went dry. Then I stepped outside into the crisp and frigid air and snapped back, and just started feeling genuinely proud of myself for a hot minute. It’s not a familiar feeling. But I’m doing it, what I lost sight of for so long. Living my life in the “real” world, at least my version of it, not clinging to the bottle wishing for something that is never going to happen on that particular path and being miserable and numb and solidly mired in the comforts of that familiar misery. Gone somewhere in my mind, nowhere good. Ugh. No more. I’m here, hello! Nice to be present and alive. I can do more than wish for things - I can take steps to make things happen. It feels hard sometimes, and even ugly on occasion, but I’ve got that twinkling hope that doesn’t ever stay extinguished for long now. For those who celebrate, merry holiday, and I’m glad you’re here. Sending my love out to you. 
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Not sure why your days jump out at me today but dam bro they make me smile. You are one super sober Dad and I am proud of you.
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Oh poor @Squirt!!! We need to work on your musical taste!
I was going to say “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”. That song deeply disturbs me. But, in terms of silly Christmas songs I do like Porky Pig’s “Blue Christmas”. And nothing embodies the Christmas spirit like Quiet Riot’s “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”.
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191 days. Had a mixed up emotional day yesterday and happily spent much of it alone. For those who asked, my stepdaughter is 9. I reached out to my stepfather yesterday for advice. He didn’t suggest anything we haven’t tried but stressed we talk to her together not separately. Basically just going to ask her what’s going on. Chose not to have this conversation yesterday but will be having it shortly. I’m certain it’s going to have to do with jealousy and fear and will work with whatever it is. What I will not do is tolerate any such behaviour going forward and plan to get that across as clearly as I can.
Haven’t heard anything from my Dad so I’m assuming the Pathologist hasn’t had opportunity to look at samples. Trying to keep any thoughts about results at bay.
Christmas is in one more sleep and I’m just not feeling it this year. Hopefully the girls’excitement will warm me over this evening.
@EVERYONE Thank you all for being here. Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas 
clean and sober 
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@Squirt I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your step daughters, that is so awful 
@IcanIwill congrats on your week 
@Sanuk Sorry you’re going through a tough time.
@marcusmaximus2000 great reminders!
@I.cant.We.can congrats on 30 days smoke-free
@Rockstar24777 sending prayers 
I hope you’re okay?
@Beachy congrats on 30 days
@Charlie_C congrats on 40 days
136 days no alcohol.
104 days no cocaine.
12 days no cigs no binge-eating.
I’ve been awake since 3am. It took me til 10:30am and 6 Coffees to motivate myself to start the personal statement, but I did, and submitted it before 3pm. I’ve also hoovered and done all of my laundry.
I started feeling a bit emotional and lonely all of a sudden, but coming on here has helped a bit. Xmas is conflicting for me. I’ve been invited to my friends tomorrow, but my Dad would disown me if I didn’t go there, and I like to keep the peace, even though I feel unwanted by them. BPD sucks, the lows are really low, especially when it comes to rejection, I’m sure the lack of sleep hasn’t helped either.Thankfully such lows are much rarer without using substances though so I’m grateful for that.
Wishing you all a safe and sober xmas eve, I’m praying for us all
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Love this. This beats the bottle any day! 
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Day 8. Merry Christmas Eve! We have a half day at work today so we’re just about done. It’s been slow which is nice. Tonight we’re going to Tyler’s parents. I’m a little anxious because there will be alcohol I’m sure. Tyler won’t be drinking so that will be helpful. I don’t feel great so I’m hoping we don’t stay long. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!
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Day 89. This is the first Christmas Eve I haven’t worked in over a decade. Didn’t really know what to do with myself, so I made brownies for all my friends who do have to work today and delivered them. Now Max and I are home, and I’m thinking a nap may be in order. Mine are not a Christmas people (I was raised by an atheist and a Jehovah’s Witness), so I usually do laundry on Christmas Eve night and then try to read a whole book on Christmas Day. I intend to stick to that plan.
@Sanuk, I’m glad you’re here with us. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re already back to your path of sobriety.
@Squirt, you are dealing with a lot. I think it’s good that you reached out to your stepdad for advice, and I agree with him that you and your husband need to provide a united front.
Happy Christmas Eve to all of you that celebrate! Happy Thursday to all of you who do not! Wishing you all joy and sobriety!
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Checking in, day 49. First sober Christmas eve in years. I’m really grateful for that.
I hope you all are doing fine. Wishing strength for all who suffers, I know it’s a difficult period for many.
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Day 153
Santa came early! Being Santa is the most fun Ive had since I was a kid!! I did the ENTIRE thing by myself!
My mother in law bought us all tickets to Hawaii.
Its been such a last minute pipedream at this point idk if its really going to happen. We had to get a covid test and my mother in law pulled all these strings to make it happen in a days time so we can fly and we got our results (negative) but its not from one of the labs they have listed on the airline website. She is all anxious and freaking out and every 5 seconds she is like “This is too much lets not go.” She also gets drunk every single night so that adds to her anxiety.
Bleh. Anyway… hopefully tomorrow I will be on my way to Hawaii… 
LOL but if it doesnt happen thats okay too because honestly idk what I am going to wear and all this stress is madness. I should also add that I am VERY grateful for my mother in law.
Hope you all have a great Christmas Eve and Christmas!!
@Rockstar24777 I am keeping you in my thoughts, praying you are okay! 
@RosaCanDo Your posts are always so inspiring! So many times I am struggling and I read how you are stuggling too and then I read your optimism and it helps me so much you have no idea!!
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- Merry christmas everyone
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That sounds very stressful @Clarity but exciting at the same time. I dream of going to Hawaii some day and now that I’m clean and sober, it’s possible to make it a reality. Fingers crossed it all works out for you. 
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@Clarity crossing my fingers that you get to go to Hawaii! You would have to show us some beautiful pics of the much hotter 
weather than what we are stuck in 
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Mid-day check in since it’s Christmas Eve. I hope everyone is doing well with any temptations so far.
I’m watching The Hobbit (the first one) for the 782nd time and waiting for the in-laws to come over. This will be my first sober Christmas Eve in at least 10 years and I’m so happy to be able to finally relax and just enjoy everything without trying to get drunk on the down low. In previous years getting drunk was my #1 priority on holidays. I’m sure a lot of you guys can relate.
I hope everyone is having a great & peaceful day 
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Xmas eve checkin for a change, little reminder to self that it will still look like that after Xmas. Have a good one all. I’ll be working but it’s still a lovely day.
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Day 27 MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! - that emoticon is the only tree I have left today thanks to this crazy kitty. I wasn’t home when it was destroyed, but I can only imagine she tried this up my tree. 
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2018
2020
Merry Christmas!!
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Goodnight all
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Hawaii is lovely. I hope you get to go there and chillax. Don’t worry about things like what to wear, Sarah, you can always buy a grass skirt and a lei when you get there. I hope you are practicing the hula. Merry Christmas. 
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