It’s hard to fall down and I agree with Beth you were not in a good place for quite a long time before your relapse. Most of us have been there and also not taken heed of the warning signs and then like you have fallen flat on our fucking faces into the shit yet again. It feels bad… it feels so, so bad. It feels bad realizing that we need to do more than what we were doing. It is hard to accept that what we thought was our best was not fucking enough.
The thing is Mike… you DO have more in you. You may not feel like you do, but you do. You keep saying you need to do it for your girls, I told you this a long time ago and I am not sure it was recieved very well then but I am going to say it again.
You need to stay clean for you… doing it for your girls will not keep you clean. Unfortunately addiction is stronger than that. It is a VERY hard truth to accept but it’s reality. I love my daughter I would fucking kill for my daughter but I could NOT STAY SOBER for my daughter. It didn’t matter how hard I tried… I can only do this for me and you can only do this for you.
So do that… be the best version of yourself for you, you deserve that. By doing that everyone else is going to get the best version of you too.
Checking in 1 week 
I mentioned in my last post that I went to church yesterday. There was a woman who saw me and got all excited to see me and came over. I had absolutely no clue who she was. Turns out she was at my brothers wedding in 2018 where I was the Best Man. I had already got there with a solid buzz and had brought 4 vodka airplane shots with me only because they were serving “only” beer and wine. Long story short. I did ok till the open dancing part. Guess I was dancing with her and hitting on her at the same time (mind you was engaged). And… this was all in front of my kids. Soon after they had to pour me in an Uber to send me home.
It’s times like this when the shame, regret and guilt is so heavy that reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing. And like someone mentioned. I must do it for me. It was hard to hear that yesterday. I was so embarrassed. But you know, it’s a good reminder to me to stay focused and clean…one day at a time…
Love you family 
I’m here, I’m alive and I’m sober.
And I have no idea what day I’m on.
Pa died last week, Thursday. And today we had to call an ambulance for the old lady we’re helping, they took her in and called us to tell that she had a stroke.
They don’t know when she can go back home, and they can’t say in what condition she’ll be in when she gets back.
Social service called us today just to inform that they have nowhere to place tweenie, no foster care home, no youth care facility nothing in the entire country.
Needless to say I’m really tired of this shit, and I need a break. For some reason universe doesn’t agree, I have no idea why good hates me.
But I’m sure starting to hate him back.
You’re going through a lot Sophia, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Sorry to hear about tweenie and your elderly friend.
Thanks you everyone for all the support and good words. I slept all day and woke up feeling better, I know I need to do this for myself and nobody else. But I keep putting my girls beautiful little smiles in the back of my mind and them saying daddy we need you because they do, just as much as I need to do it for myself. So idk I’m up and at it sober taking it another day sober, tonight I will go hit up a meeting
I will as soon as I’m able to get a break. It can’t be like this forever, right? No matter if it is, I refuse to lose hope about a better future and brighter days.
They’re not sending her back to your house, are they? Tell her mother to get it together and take care of her offspring, fgs.
Big hug to you, my friend…
Do you mean tweenie or the old lady? Tweenie is back at our house from being at her Ma’s. And I have honestly now idea what’s going to happened with the old lady.
Hugs.
I meant tweenie. I’d lay down some hard and fast rules for her and don’t take any shit from her.
I’d let her know that she’s there by default because no one will put up with her.
Sorry, I’m mad that you have to deal with that and your boys have to too.
@I.cant.We.can Congratulations on 6 months kicking the cancer stick.
@littlemisschatterbox Congratulations on 20 months.
@Chosen2001 Congratulations on 1 week.
@Its_me_Stella IMO getting it out in some form is better than not at all. I used to journal on my laptop and never click save. Was oddly satisfying having it just gone.
@Tomek Congratulations on 200 days.
@Thirdmonkey Did I miss you meeting Ms Monkey’s best friend? Waiting for an update but maybe I’m early lol.
@anon53116147 You said you don’t want it to be about the days or counting the days so fuck the days. Stay clean and sober for today.
@MrsOdh Sending love and strength. Your ability to stay sober and overcome the obstacles set in front of you is inspiring. I pray you get the break you deserve and completely agree with @DLS regarding tweenies. Lay down the line to protect you and your boys.
342 days. Still not out of my funk but I won’t drink because I don’t drink. I know this emotional rollercoaster will pass but man I wish it would pass faster. Isolating myself today probably isn’t the best plan, but it’s mine. Going for a nap soon and then hopefully to my son’s for supper and a visit.
@I.cant.We.can congrats on 6 months smoke-free 
@littlemisschatterbox congrats on 20 months
@Charlie_C sorry about your SIL, prayers sent 
@Chosen2001 congrats on your week your Mum would be proud 
@Tomek congrats on 200 days
@Jonachav123 congrats on 500 days
@MrsOdh sorry to hear about your older lady friend 
I hope the social services will not stop trying until they find somewhere, it’s not good enough of them to just say they haven’t found anywhere. Sending strength and I really hope you get a break soon! 
@Squirt sending strength, a I hope the nap and some time with your Son helps a little
287 days no alcohol.
255 days no cocaine.
10 days no binge-eating.
I managed to get through last night without ordering a take away or bingeing. Had urges again today despite stocking up on the healthy ready meals and sticking to my eating schedule, but I’m planning to sleep after this check in so I shouldn’t be at risk of the urges winning.
There were no spaces left for swimming so I couldn’t go today, I’ve got one booked for 11am tomorrow though 
Depression lingered throughout the morning again but I felt better as the day progressed, the sun even shined for a while this afternoon, which always helps 
I’ve now finished the program I’ve been watching since the beginning of the year! It was such a good show, but I’m excited to browse the options and get into something new or catch up on shows that have had new seasons added
So today started shitty,
It’s cold miserable and rainy out, of course my patrol shifts are tonight and that makes for a miserable evening of having to get out and check things in the rain.
But, I just got a call from a govt contractor job I was eyeing up, they made an offer for me to start June 1st. It’s temporary but I’m looking at it as a temporary job, make the money I need to get myself back to having savings, getting the things I need to get done and working my way to the life I want.
Yikes. Didn’t know one could be born with tinnitus! Sorry to learn that! I am fairly sure mine is caused by hearing loss which in turn was caused by loud concerts and places like that. The first time a doctor said “just have background noise on all the time” I thought, what? And never know silence again?
Thanks. Frustrating for sure. I appreciate you reading my vent 
Day 29.
Above and below is a post of information for tomorrows lunar blood moon eclipse. The world wide times are on there. Its going to be a doozy 
2nd day today and I’m still recovering from the dreadful treatment of my body and spirit. Doing loads of praying and meditation and trying to stay out of self pity, but that’s hard when I feel this low. I’ll keep trudging as I know from experience that it gets better. Marnie
Day 9 feeling super positive. Spoke with my counsellor yesterday re anxiety issues and also explained that I no longer wanted alcohol to control my life. Despite drinking 4-6 beers per day, I still feel it controls me and I don’t want that.
Peace and strength to all
I did, and all went well…just my alcoholic nature over thinking