Thanks Marie. There is nothing I hold so dear as my recovery.
Blessings and sobriety!
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- Coffee. Therapy day. Not having the best of times with that. Stalling, avoiding and delaying my homework. Feeling like nothing changed and nothing will. Knowing stuff did change and it will change more, just as long as I do the work. But I find it hard the last weeks. The blockage being exactly what I should be working on. Is that good or bad? Not sure.
At the very least I got my sobriety. And although an escape into nothingness seems attractive at times I am absolutely sure about the outcome of that. Not going there. One day at a time & never again. And it always helps to come here (even though at times this is escapism for me too) and see all you. Much love from Amsterdam. Been asked to bring a pic of myself as a kid to therapy today. Of course spending hours on deciding which one. This will be it. I think.
@Hopeful777 Huge congrats Marie! On we go lady.
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“It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop”. 
Today I’m feeling incredibly grateful that I never stopped trying after each relapse and that I am no longer the hot mess that I was when I first found myself on TS hmmm… about 3 (?) years ago… I actually thought I was holding all my shit and life together pretty well 
Honestly, I’m totally not a morning person but I pretty much smile every morning now because of the relief and happiness in waking up hangover free. That NEVER grows old.
And it’s funny because when I first stopped drinking I believed everything in my life would then automatically and magically fall into place and I would live a (near) perfect existence far out I was so fking wrong. Life has thrown so many damn curve balls, hiccups and roadblocks in my way but I’ve learnt and am still learning how to deal with them and because of my sobriety I CAN deal with them. In the past I ran from them, buried and ignored them… It feels like I’m learning how to adult properly for the first time in my life and I’m in my damn 40s 
ahhh well, I always was determined to do everything the hard way… maybe it’s made me appreciate everything that I do have today, just that little bit more…
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@Becsta
Wonderful share. YES it can be an uphill struggle sometimes, but sober feet allow us to walk up the hill YES I feel I am just learning about myself, what I want, need and am willing to put up with
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Ahhhh Menno what a handsome little cutie you were! You look like you were a very serious and deep thinker…?
This “blockage” may indicate a break through for you and maybe that scares you alittle bit…? I don’t think that’s a bad thing, just yet another “something” to work through, which you will be able to do, because as you say, you still have your sobriety and that equips us with more survival skills than drinking ever did!! X
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I love this and and much of his writing. I would recommend The Midnight Library too. It focuses on the idea of appreciating the life you have and the ways that countless opportunities in life are possible.
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Perfectly said Fleur! And I’ve discovered that I’m actually liking myself and enjoy just being around me… it’s like I’m finally getting to know the true and authentic me and without sounding conceited, I think she is a pretty good person and cool chick I never realised just how much self loathing I used to have!
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Day 12: Loving being with my family! Feeling a bit sore from the long car ride and falling asleep with a crick in my neck, but it will pass. My niece Maya is simply the cutest. She is a little shy but warming up quickly. We had lots of fun and giggles by the end of the afternoon and I’ll be back to stay with my brother for awhile in a couple days. So glad to be sober in recovery and spending this extended visit here. So glad I didn’t fall too far into an extended relapse instead.
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Day 12. Feeling super.
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Amen to that. 
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Day 349 clean and sober today. 3 months ago today my son passed away and I’ve been having a really hard time. Yesterday was his birthday, he would have been 23. Fucking miss him so much… Have a good day everybody, love you guys 
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Had this notification waiting for me today. What a great way to start the day! I hope everyone has a great one!
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Day 23
Had an insight moment which had a huge impact on me. Yesterday I was binge watching ‘How to get away with murder’. I’m now at the episode where Annalise loses herself in alcohol and there she coined the term ‘functional alcoholic’. I never ever heard of that term before and paused the show and looked it up. This is just all about me! For the outside world I’m functioning pretty good and look happy and healthy. I have a job, a nice house, got married and we’re raising a healthy son together. But as soon as my workday was (almost) over, I opened up that bottle and made sure it was finished before I got to bed. I drank everyday for about 20 years or longer. Except during my pregnancy and breastfeeding period.
It had a huge impact because I could recognize myself in the whole description of a functional alcoholic. I was always very good in concealing my problems or I just denied or downplayed problems in my life. Always told people I had a fairly good childhood despite all the stuff that was going on. My adoption mother had schizophrenia and was hospitalized since I was 5. My sister who died at the age of 26. A violent relationship with my first boyfriend. This is just a small amount of terrible things that happened in my life. And I can talk about that with lightness, humor maybe a bit cynicism here and there, but it never broke me. I kept going, kept functioning while smoking weed to get through the devastating period when my sister died, which I was processing all alone, no one really knew how I suffered. Now my body gives clues when I feel emotions and I try to understand them and act on them. Being sober gives me the feeling I’m more connected with my emotions. But I still have so much to learn and I’m curious to find out what my soberness will bring.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
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Congrats on 11 months!!!
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Checking in with a more positive outlook than the last week or so. I am really working to maintain self care and the oxygen mask theory is my mantra right now. I’ve had several really great days this week that began with journaling, reading, great music and meditation and that has truly helped shape the day. Thanks to all of you who support each other with compassion.
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Checking in on day 347, not much else to say today but everything is going well! Have a good one everybody.
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I couldn’t go to the NA meeting I had planned because once again we are now officially back in lock down again and the entire city and state is shut down. Again. So , my 30 day chip will have to be this for now till we re open next and I can get back to meetings… This is our fourth lock down 
moving to mars is looking pretty good right now 
moving to mars is looking pretty good right now
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I was functional alcoholic too, tho cracks were starting to show. Sounds like u had a lot to deal with, and yes, alcohol abuse means u numb it rather than deal with it. Hopefully now u can process it.
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