Checking in daily to maintain focus #30

[Olivia]

Hello TS fam,
I’ve been staying away from the forum for some time. It is difficult to be back and write this. I’m hurt by some things I’ve seen occuring regularly on the forum. I’ve addressed people privately but wanted to make a public post too.

There have been topless pics recently and discussion about the no-topless-pics guideline, once again. I’m a porn addict so seeing a topless pic of a man or a woman is very triggering. Needing to deal with bare skin in my daily life and then having to face that on a sobriety forum too is too much for me to cope with. Not only are such images triggering but they also are breaching my sexual boundaries, which takes my mind and body right back into the time when I was sexually abused and raped. Understandably, that causes terror, fear, helplessness, pain and anxiety in me still today.

With the abundance of social media outlets available, I do not understand why it upsets you that you can’t post your half naked pictures or other sexist content on a forum that also has recovering sex and porn addicts. Even if you don’t agree with the no-topless-pics guideline, would you please at least respect those addicts whom it was designed to protect? We take our sobriety as seriously as you take yours. You’re not only disregarding a guideline but the people behind it.

I won’t be able grasp alcoholism like alcoholics do, but I can still do my best to respect your recovery and not post pics of alcohol, for example. I’m perplexed why I can’t have the same in return. Instead, some people are posting and making fun of triggers that I still struggle with immensely. I find that hurtful, undermining and unsupportive.

Furthermore, I’ve experienced that there are double standards regarding nudity and substance abuse on the forum. Some addict groups enjoy the protection of clear and justifiable guidelines whilst challenging and disregarding the same guidelines for others. For example, a pic of alcohol gets flagged and removed without any fuss whereas flagging and removing a topless pic usually creates an uproar. Then PMO addicts like me get backlash from people not understanding how it is even possible to be triggered by it. I get told I should be able to tolerate nudity since it’s natural. Well, so is alcohol and but you still don’t need to see it here. It is really not fair and makes me feel like my addiction is of less importance. I’m not an equal with others and my words mean nothing. That is frustrating.

I have muted, ignored, scrolled past, tried not paying any attention and been on self suspension to cool off but I have reached my limit now. I no longer feel safe and welcome to this forum and that makes me really really sad. My country has no support groups for my doc so this place is basically all I have. I can’t control anyone else’s behaviour, only mine, so I’m seriously considering leaving this place to protect my sobriety. Ironic, isn’t it?

Take care, stay safe.
Olivia

Disclaimer: I have no admonitions towards the moderators. Our co-operation on the matter has been very good and they are doing an outstanding job.

[anon27760155]

294 days clean of substance…

But i could sit here and say i’m strong but i’m not as my sex addiction is REAL and everyday is a hurdle that im just not able to jump over right now…

I’m not even getting 24hours underneath me… But i’m admitting my problem and trying to work through the discomfort with a specialist…

[anon53116147]

Today is actually day 1 I geuss. I started my clock yesterday because I was making sure the shit wqw actually out of my system. Slept all day, grouchy with my girls sweet

[Luckyredz]

Thank you, I’m doing CMA meetings, basically every one I can make. Trying to get to know all the group so I have people to talk to that I can call on when I need it.

[Luckyredz]

Thank you lord knows I need it

[Mno]

I’m alive, just like you Rich. And grateful for that. And I agree we can’t do this on our own. The foe is too strong for that. But together we have a chance. Together we can make it. Glad you’re here. Strength in numbers. Welcome back.

[apes2020]

@Luckyredz

I surrender. I can’t beat this on my own

Glad to hear this. Remember, a relapse humbles us and we are stronger in our recovery. Before my last relapse, I had never done zoom meetings, never gone to an NA meeting, never talked to a professional DOA counseller etc… In this last month ive been clean, I’ve done it all. I was so sick and tired of relapsing and doing the same BS over and over , that this time around , something had to drastically change. I had to do something different. Because me attempting staying clean on my own was clearly not working… This time around i have gained so much inner strength by reaching out for help that I’m in the best place ive ever been mentally and emotionally in I dont know how long… My Point to this is- start going to as many NA meetings as you can. Try a bunch of different ones in different locations. See which ones you like and find out which ones aren’t for you. Start searching online for DOA professional counselling workers. I know its a different health system where you are and some things are not free like here in Australia, but I’m certain there are options for you. Just start googling… Because I reached out and swallowed my pride and sourced external help, I’m doing so much better this time around…you CAN do it as well… You know what to do now, take it easy, sleep, water, eat etc. After 10 days when your feeling a bit better , start scheduling in an action plan. Start making the calls. Start googling resources. Nothing changes it nothing changes… And don’t stress on yourself, your back here now. That’s what matters

[Dazercat]

I’m so happy to read this about you April.
You deserve it. And you’re worth it.
You are too Rich.
@Luckyredz

[Hopeful777]

@Mno you look like a child model adorable. Thank you for your kind words sorry to hear you feel like you hit a block I know with your solid strength you will break that barrier down. Total faith in you…

[Hopeful777]

Love your statement below :-

relief and happiness in waking up hangover free. That NEVER grows old.

How encouraging , as that great feeling keeps me going… and to hear that you with all your days still feels this is damn perfect… thank you

[Hopeful777]

Ahhh Stella thank you, you have the warmest soul ever …your encouragement along the way has meant so much coffee on your patio sounds perfect

[apes2020]

Day 32.
Friday.
10 degrees
Lockdown day: one

Woke up at 6.30am. The streets are quiet and its a ghost town out there. Lockdown has begun again. This lock down I plan on actually accomplishing something lol I have got the learners drivers license study book manual. I am going to read/study it over lock down so I can FINALLY go and get my drivers license! This is a life long bucket list goal I’m yet to attempt. Ive never driven before, never had my license, never owned a car etc… Soooo that’s what I’m going to do, go for my license and buy car! Its all very exciting lol

So instead of doing online shopping, watching Netflix, and ordering uber eats everyday, this lockdown is going to look different for me. I will save my money. I will read books. I will meditator more. I will do online work outs.

I say I’m going to do all that. I’m probably not going to do all that lol but its alright with me if I don’t. Ultimately all that really matters is that I’m clean and that I’m happy… I’m both of those now so I guess I’m winning

@CATMANCAM I’m excited for you that you fixed your gate !! And glad your loving swimming
@Dragonflygirl82 Courtney enjoy yourself girl! Can’t wait to see pics of the wilderness
@Becsta became did you loose your power the other day in the black outs??
@Alba89 Anne good luck with the job application!
@Rockstar24777 he is still with you, he can still hear you and feel your pain. He will always be with you. Talk to him in your thoughts when ever you can sit and meditate. He will feel your love
@Soundlab matt so I learnt in OTP class that having that experience hearing your neighbours is a trigger that can affect you for about 72 hours. So for the next 72 hours be kind to your self and notice any passing thoughts and emotions that are uncomfotable. Put your metaphorical sober armour on lol

[Hopeful777]

Love reading your plans , driving will be fab, all that exploring… doing brilliant

[DLS]

Oh Rob, I want to hold you and let you cry. My heart breaks for you…

[Hopeful777]

So terribly sorry to read this Rob, my thoughts are with you and I wish I could say something to help. Just hope you get some comfort in all the people on here who care and want to ease your pain…

[Fury]

Hey Liv,

Good to see your checking in. I’ll openly admit I did not understand PMO or sex addiction until I made some friends here who struggle with it,

I can honestly say, I agree on this. I been on here since November last year, as well as other sober/recovery forums. And it seems to be pretty standard across the board, no topless or nude photos, the zoom meeting I hit is very much on point with that as well.

They say flat out, in the beginning of the meeting keep yourself clothed, no shirtless pant less if you can be seen that far, and excuse yourself to use the bathroom. So I can say I understand the rules and why they are put there.

[Dolse71]

it’s great to turn on and this is the first thing I see, well done and really proud of you

[Dolse71]

Nice one Julia hope the hols are going well. You don’t need alcohol to enjoy yourself.

[Fury]

Checking in

Day Whatever,

Had my neurologist appointment today apparently he is one of the best seizure specialists in NoVa so that’s good, he was very knowledgeable and informative. Yet on my side., scheduled a sleep study for this weekend and a MRI of my coconut.

He told me regardless of being seizure free, I’m in a category of 40-60% of likely to have another seizure. Considering my history of head injuries and shockwaves I’ve experienced. They are looking to have it all closed up within a few weeks. I hope so. It’s been tiring fighting with my old neurologist to get My results I’ve been fighting them for 3 months. I filed a complaint with the Virginia Medical board, because if im 40 to 60% likely to have a seizure again. Shouldn’t my neurologist be readily available?

Just in a holding pattern about moving into the new place

Still struck out on my, tinder behaviors probably for the best, the one that i was talking with who’s really nice, I’m growing wary that she’s married or attached in some way. Her behaviors are kinda sus. And she has a dude living with her, no biggie I had a female housemate before. But she only messages me away from home . I’m not messing with someone else’s chick.

I been digging into the book Kevin from the forum reccomended and I got a notebook to start applying its principles.

I start the new job Tuesday, so I’ll be doing 2 full time jobs for a bit.

Wish me luck

[Dolse71]

He’ll be watching and he’ll be proud