Checking In Day 34 AF / Day 280 Cannabis Free
Today had ups and downs, but I have pulled through and I think there were some cathartic moments and progress now that I’m reflecting back on the day. I had a lot of anger and resentment this morning and was really wrapped up thinking about things. It was hard to release and it kept winding tighter. My boyfriend and I tried to talk in the early afternoon, and in some ways it was a successful conversation because we did not yell at each other or blow up or anything. I listened to his side and acknowledged that his intention was different than what I was experiencing on the receiving end. I could accept that on a rational level, but I still had the emotion of being mad. The emotion had already welled up and it wasn’t just going to disappear because my thoughts tried to be logical about it. I could feel that it needed to run its course. I ended up explaining that I needed to just be alone somewhere outside and I left for the afternoon and went to a state park.
It is amazing what nature can do for you. I took the longest trail and walked slowly. I have become fascinated by mushrooms and am learning how to identify them, and there were so many along the trail so I would stop, observe, and appreciate all the different varieties of fungus I encountered. The mushrooms helped wake me up to the beauty of the woods and get out of my head a bit. After a while the trail brings you to a bay and I sat, cried, and journaled. It helped me process a lot of what was coming up and release some fo the angry feelings. What was left beneath? I was raw and tender. At the root I wasn’t actually mad at my boyfriend, I was sad about some things in our relationship. That is painful to feel and look at it, but it is also more workable than just channeling blame and resentment onto somebody which doesn’t really get you anywhere. The breakthrough helped me think about what exactly I am sad about and where I am unfulfilled in the relationship. It’s not anybody else’s fault if I am unfulfilled. Those are needs I have to recognize in myself and figure out how to find fulfillment. If I need it from a partner and I’m not getting it, I have to express that and not assume they will just know it. And if they are unable to fulfill those needs for some reason, there might be more things that have to be addressed or changed…but I think the starting point is actually recognizing what is really going on beneath the surface for myself.
I want to be as honest as possible here on the forum, so I will also admit that I had a moment where I contemplated taking myself out to dinner before going home. This is something I used to do when I was single, but I don’t really go out to eat much anymore, and definitely not by myself. I stopped dining out when everything was really shut down during Covid and now I only do it for special occasions. Along with the image of treating myself to dinner was a flash of a glass of red wine being poured. It was just a flash, but it was there. That act of taking myself out to dinner was so intertwined with a part of my life where I always ordered a drink that it just appeared together in my mind. I wasn’t hooked by the image though. Seeing that flash was also a reminder that hey, I don’t need to go spend money on going out to eat when I have a ton of good food at home. Why fall into old habits? Even if it’s just getting a meal, not drinking, it’s a part of my life I have moved on from and it saves me a ton of money. Going to the park and processing – that was my treat to myself!
So I came home, my boyfriend is taking a nap but I woke him up just to tell him know I was home and that I am not mad at him (which he thought I was when I left). There is still more for us to talk about in the coming days, but right now I feel at peace. And…I’m sober 
hoping for a better nights sleep tonight!
