With the dark and harsh truth, mirrors and you don’t approach him as a person, approach the illness or condition maybe??
Bless and I send you light
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5.4 weeks. Saturday morning on a holiday weekend; up early, clear headed, meditation in the park, making myself breakfast at home…. #SoberShit!
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@Bomdhil so pleased to see this, congrats 
@MagicILY sending strength 
stunning photo 
@No_more_C2H6O congrats on your month
@Chiron thank you
@SoberWalker sorry to hear about your brother, sending prayers he finds his way out 
@Wakikki sometimes rest is productive, I try to feel a sense of achievement even if I only get one thing done, and you’ve done that, even if all you do is stay sober you’ve still done that 
390 days no alcohol.
358 days no cocaine.
3 days no disordered eating.
Another peaceful day. I have started to feel less emotion from what happened in the changing room a few weeks ago, so today I washed my exercise clothes. I also went swimming, I hadn’t been since a week ago when I felt terrified and vulnerable the entire time, today was less like that, just irritating and unenjoyable because a group of children kept coming into the slow lane and messing around, stopping me from continuing my lengths and making fun of me 
I feel like I’m ready to start going back to the gym as well now so just waiting for the urge to arrive and excited for it. I finished the new book I was reading and it was an interesting read. It’s hard to believe a week today I will be a year clean from cocaine. I am trying not to get ahead of myself though but it feels good to be nearing such a milestone 
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Having a plan for when those times show up is always a great idea. Maybe even having a few. If you’re able to occasionally close your eyes and imagine yourself enacting your plan, of feeling tempted, then using your plan to stay clean; then, letting yourself really feel what you might feel at averting that pitfall–success, gratitude, happiness, strength, etc.–then when the time comes, you will be prepared and you will know what to do.
You’ve got this!
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Day 402
I don’t have much to say today.
I cried happy tears yesterday. My work does Friday Good News announcements and they announced my (belated) year of sobriety. Lots of coworkers have since started messaging me congratulating me and sharing their own recovery stories.
This morning I found out my mum’s sister has been sick with covid the past week.
Made peanut butter pancakes for breakfast today
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What a great thing to have happened! I love how so many people are celebrating your success! Though I’m sorry to hear about your mum’s sister. I hope she recovers quickly.
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A lot of humanity blames their issues/problems on someone/something else. It’s easier to do that, and to take personal responsibility is hard and feels bad. But you’re on a great path. I know you can do this!
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2 months & 29. Days clean/sober from self harm
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Thanks so much for asking! Joining a yoga class sounds like a great idea, and everybody has to start somewhere. I had some sporadic experience with yoga over the years but then I reached a point where I had not been exercising or moving much and I was carrying a ton of tension in my shoulders, neck, and back. It was becoming painful when I friend suggested I do some therapeutic yoga. I didn’t even know what that was, but I looked it up and started doing some simple videos to stretch and release my back, shoulders, and neck. Just 20 minutes a day made a huge difference and I started doing more and more videos. Finally I took advantage of an intro deal at a local yoga studio and began attending full practices. I was hooked. That’s just part of my journey, but my connection with yoga has deepened over the years and now teaching is a passion.
Yoga is for everybody. And for every body. I know it can feel intimidating to walk in completely new, but I recommend jumping in with an open mind. In terms of classes, do you have the names of any of the types of classes you’ve looked at? If there are ones specifically for beginners or foundation classes, you might start there. A gentle yoga class could be good for easing back into movement. Otherwise, you could just try a vinyasa class (I know, I know, so many names, haha). Let the teacher know you are a beginner and if you have any injuries or concerns with your body so they can help offer modifications for you. Feel free to reply or message me with any classes you’re considering if you want some feedback to help select one that might be a good fit.
Everyone is scared of looking like an idiot at some point during their yoga practice. But honestly, some of my most wonderful practices have been when I’ve fallen out of a pose or struggled. It means you are growing. It doesn’t always feel that way in the moment, but it is all part of the process. Yoga is about union – joining body and breath. In my opinion, a “perfect pose” does not exist. Everyone’s body is different so the same pose can look different from person to person. For example, even though I’ve been doing yoga for years and am a teacher, I have tight hamstrings. I have learned how to modify poses so that I don’t injure myself or force my body into positions that just don’t work for it. Sometimes I have to bend my knees in a pose, but I have student in class with completely straight, extended legs. And it’s all good!
I highly recommend looking up Jessamyn Stanley and reading her book Every Body Yoga: Let Go of Fear, Get On the Mat, Love Your Body. I just read it and it’s awesome to hear her story. It is also aimed at beginners, so it’s a great place to get started. If you want to check out some YouTube videos to try out yoga at home, check out Yoga with Adriene. She is very popular, and for good reason. Her approach is very accessible and many of her videos are short so you can just get a taste and see what you think.
Please reach out if you have any more questions!! I love that you are exploring yoga as a possibility. Keep me updated on your journey.
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Checking In Day 34 AF / Day 280 Cannabis Free
Today had ups and downs, but I have pulled through and I think there were some cathartic moments and progress now that I’m reflecting back on the day. I had a lot of anger and resentment this morning and was really wrapped up thinking about things. It was hard to release and it kept winding tighter. My boyfriend and I tried to talk in the early afternoon, and in some ways it was a successful conversation because we did not yell at each other or blow up or anything. I listened to his side and acknowledged that his intention was different than what I was experiencing on the receiving end. I could accept that on a rational level, but I still had the emotion of being mad. The emotion had already welled up and it wasn’t just going to disappear because my thoughts tried to be logical about it. I could feel that it needed to run its course. I ended up explaining that I needed to just be alone somewhere outside and I left for the afternoon and went to a state park.
It is amazing what nature can do for you. I took the longest trail and walked slowly. I have become fascinated by mushrooms and am learning how to identify them, and there were so many along the trail so I would stop, observe, and appreciate all the different varieties of fungus I encountered. The mushrooms helped wake me up to the beauty of the woods and get out of my head a bit. After a while the trail brings you to a bay and I sat, cried, and journaled. It helped me process a lot of what was coming up and release some fo the angry feelings. What was left beneath? I was raw and tender. At the root I wasn’t actually mad at my boyfriend, I was sad about some things in our relationship. That is painful to feel and look at it, but it is also more workable than just channeling blame and resentment onto somebody which doesn’t really get you anywhere. The breakthrough helped me think about what exactly I am sad about and where I am unfulfilled in the relationship. It’s not anybody else’s fault if I am unfulfilled. Those are needs I have to recognize in myself and figure out how to find fulfillment. If I need it from a partner and I’m not getting it, I have to express that and not assume they will just know it. And if they are unable to fulfill those needs for some reason, there might be more things that have to be addressed or changed…but I think the starting point is actually recognizing what is really going on beneath the surface for myself.
I want to be as honest as possible here on the forum, so I will also admit that I had a moment where I contemplated taking myself out to dinner before going home. This is something I used to do when I was single, but I don’t really go out to eat much anymore, and definitely not by myself. I stopped dining out when everything was really shut down during Covid and now I only do it for special occasions. Along with the image of treating myself to dinner was a flash of a glass of red wine being poured. It was just a flash, but it was there. That act of taking myself out to dinner was so intertwined with a part of my life where I always ordered a drink that it just appeared together in my mind. I wasn’t hooked by the image though. Seeing that flash was also a reminder that hey, I don’t need to go spend money on going out to eat when I have a ton of good food at home. Why fall into old habits? Even if it’s just getting a meal, not drinking, it’s a part of my life I have moved on from and it saves me a ton of money. Going to the park and processing – that was my treat to myself!
So I came home, my boyfriend is taking a nap but I woke him up just to tell him know I was home and that I am not mad at him (which he thought I was when I left). There is still more for us to talk about in the coming days, but right now I feel at peace. And…I’m sober 
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Sucks resetting the counter…so here’s to another day of NOT resetting!
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Your doing great mate, I’m really proud of you and your determination, one day at a time 
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You may find that dealing with this sober is easier. I know that I trust myself more. I’m more in control of my emotions. I know that sober me can deal with a lot more than not sober me.
Lean it to it. It could be a huge win for you.
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Family relationships are so hard. It seems like your mother is not open to the conversation you wanted to have, which has got to be really painful for you. All children want to be heard by their parents, no matter how old that child becomes. With that understanding, drop the subject for now; and while you may want to try and make her understand where you’re at on certain things, doing it while you’re trapped in a hotel with her isn’t going to be good timing.
You could leave, but would this cause even more tension between the two of you now and after the trip? How much financial hardship would it cause you?
The thing about addiction is that we often use to escape something in life. When we get clean and sober, part of that is learning how to deal with emotional situations that we might normally use to escape. At this point in your sobriety, if you really believe that staying in the hotel room with her will cause you to drink, then leave. It is better than backsliding. But if you are able to stay, no matter how uncomfortable, then I would suggest that you stay.
You cannot change your mother’s feelings. You cannot change her. But what you can change is you and how you decide to respond. Let’s say that she does resent you over the conversation or something else. Those emotions belong to her. You are not responsible for how she feels. She might try to put it on you and say that you made her feel a certain way, or you did this or that, but the truth is that you cannot make her feel anything. You are not responsible for her feelings.
If she is in the room giving you that “vibe”, go for a walk around the hotel. Call your sponsor, call some friends, talk to people here. Do some self talk, reminding yourself that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You can’t make your mother understand your pain, and you are allowed to feel sad and disappointed. Tell yourself the weekend won’t last forever and you will pull through because you are strong.
Hold on to that second step and keep it in your mind. Who / what is your ‘higher power’? Can you have a mental conversation with your higher power in your mind? Also, try mentally talking to yourself in the way that you wish you could be comforted by someone else. Try front line these thoughts, by talking to yourself as if you were a close friend.
“It’s okay. I know you can do this. I know this is hard right now, especially because you want your mom to listen and understand. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s not your fault she doesn’t know how to deal with her own emotions.” Etc, etc. Try to feel compassion for yourself in the way that you would for someone else experiencing what you are.
Those are my thoughts and I hope they help. I know you can do this. You are capable of this. You are stronger than you know.
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There is an AMAZING show on netflix on fungi!! You must watch it, its the best doco I’ve seen since that octopus tear jerker film
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Thank you so much! It would be financially stressful to make other arrangements. There’s a pool and I brought af drinks haha thank you so much. I brought books too and tomorrow we’ll be among family friends
I really appreciate this community!
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Day 432.
Lotsa stuff going on in our lives this weekend. Milestones aplenty, of course!
And hard times for some. Impossible to tag and respond to all, but no matter how many days any of us has, showing up, sharing, reading - the sober minutes stack up, and each of those minutes sets our lives on a different course than the one we were on.
Me? I’ll take this one. With all of you. Any day!
What do you say, friends - let’s log another one tomorrow, yeah?
Big love to all. 
Ah, @SoberWalker. Tough situation. I have family too, and there is so little I can do too… Sending you comfort and some beautiful walks in your future.
Welcome @pinkcloud, and @Lulu23! This place is dear to me, and full of the kind of people and support that got me where I am today.
Love your home-owning smile, @Complicatedmama!
Huge congrats on 200 days (and more) @Laraellelarissa - love the post.
And one whole month @No_more_C2H6O - I think your body is still just healing itself. Your energy will return!
And 6 weeks @Iwebt!
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Day 132.
11.33am.
Was up at 5.30am this morning. Its getting light by 6am now which I’m loving.
The cockatoos turned up at 6.30am. Making an absolute ruckus and there morning squawks were sooooo loud, and with it being a Sunday morning and it being lockdown at that, the streets were dead quiet and I’m certain my neighbours were planning my public excercution
I am extra hungry today for some reason…today will be Sunday cheat day so Im thinking I want taco bell, its been a hot minute since I’ve had it.
The uncomfortable feelings from the terribly triggering day I had the other day have finally subsided… I feel good today 
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Checking in sober and sleepy. Ready for 2 days off to the care of household chores a take some great walks…with people, dogs, audiobooks and podcasts. May you all be safe and healthy tonight.
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