Checking in Day 37 Alcohol Free / 283 Cannabis Free
Feeling sad over here. Talked to my therapist today about how I’m feeling about my relationship and I’m really afraid it’s ending. We had a talk tonight that he wanted to have to express some things coming up for him. And it was mainly that he wants me to be nicer and kinder to him. I listened and was not ready to share what’s coming up for me that I think this may be over. It just feels like nothing I do will ever be enough. If I’m not being as kind to him as he thinks I should be…I just don’t think I can give any more than I am. I’m exhausted from trying to give to this relationship as it is. I’m exhausted at not being able to be myself fully. We are continuing the conversation Thursday and it will be my chance to express what’s coming up for me. This has been a slow process and realization for me, I’m not trying to just run away. I’m at a loss at what else to do and how to protect my own well being.
A major reason I cut back on drinking two years ago and started taking big gaps was because I felt it was impacting my relationship. A year ago when I went further with that, the relationship again was a major push for. I have relapsed since then, but I really made the effort to cut alcohol out to gain more clarity on my emotions and to be able to communicate. Ultimately, I got sober for me…but I just feel like it’s also reflective of one way I’ve really tried to show up in this relationship and go beyond what makes me comfortable. I’m sad. Maybe we are just too different to keep on together in a way that’s healthy. I’m suffering and grieving the loss of what our relationship was and what I thought it could be.
Checking in sober and sleepy. It has been a long day and quite stressful at times. I brought it onto myself and the day was pretty intense all the way through. I also was triggered by one of my usual major triggers that I am working through and the thought crossed my mind to drink but the urge, craving and any subsequent thoughts never occurred. It is getting easier to blow out the flame with each day and with each practice, but I will never take for granted how easy it would be to go right back there again if I don’t work at this every day and recommit every night to loving my best life, which is one without alcohol.
@MagicILY We see things a little differently when we clean up. I honestly never realized how much I hated my ex’s drinking until I cleaned up, and then I got to the point where I didn’t even want to be around her in a friendly capacity if she was drinking. She knows she needs to quit but can’t do it. We’ll never be together again, but we get along and I have no hard feelings. It just didn’t work. I hope all goes well. If you make the decisions that will be best for your life, you will have your best life.
448 days & no chance of catching up here. School class once a week, studies once or twice a week and started weekly appointments with an addictions counselor and I work. My plate is full and part of me misses the peace I mistook as boredom. Emotions are still all over the place and my man’s ex is still here.
719 Days. It really hit me hard yesterday that summer is over. Spent the last day at the pool and it was sad to say goodbye to all the nice people we met there. My coworkers were making nice comments about how tan I got. Little do they know I wasted 3 summers isolating on weekends drinking and drugging. I missed out on so much but I’m not going to allow that to happen again. I’m going to live this sober life to the fullest.
Just coming here and checking in. Day 1, so I made it 6 days after that last relapse and because nothing bad happened I convinced myself I was ok to drink again Sunday, and we’ll nothing bad happened again. My daughter autumn wanted to come over so I happily let her and everything was fine, but the next morning I realized even tho everything was fine my whole life of drinking more times were not fine, dwis, three times trying to kill myself. And I realized even tho me and my daughter had fun, I still wasn’t fully there and I don’t want to do that to her, I still feel all the shame and guilt, I feel nothing but fog and confusion on my moral compass, so today I went and baught a jump rope and a exercise bike and prayed and meditated and read chapter one of the twelve steps. I know I’m powerless over alcohol, I really am fighting with my ego and trying to have all this control, I need to let go of the control and start putting the faith back in. I always said ppl who use are weak, so why I am I sitting here being weak, I know I have the strength to come out strong again. I cant wait for my exercise bike to come.
Just finished my coffee. My one day off this week. Also probably the best -and last- summer day of the year. Getting my bike and riding to the beach. My healthy and sporty vibe’s still going strong. Sober and clean. One day at a time. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love from my place where Luna get’s to sleep in a bit today .
Had a lovely day kyacking yesterday with friends, stopped on river for picnic then headed back… you cant beat nature to lift your spirits.
Job front. Got offered the Project Manager role which i am accepting… my heart is with the Housing job, but 9 weeks i been waiting to start and my financial situation determines my choice. And i am grateful i have that choice to make. This time will be different in a Project role i will be sober, not eaten up with daily anxiety and leaving… nervous, yes but that normal. So back to working world in a few weeks.
All in all, loving my new hobbies and my spirit slowly returning.
Feeling great today reaching 4 months! Slowly starting to build something awesome here. I owe it all to AA. If you are still hesitant to head to a meeting, just give it a shot with an open mind. Don’t let the higher power stuff stand in your way if that’s your hang up. It works if you work it.
When will I learn?! Caffeine after dark is not my friend!
I had some coffee at my meeting as usual but also a Coke… Took forever to fall asleep and then awake on and off all night. Grrr… My own fault, of course. Tired beats hungover.
Tomorrow, I have to head back into the office. Stupid corporate decisions… Blah blah
I’ll survive that too.
Checking in on day 3 , have been away for a while , thought I had things in hand as wasn’t drinking and felt good. However the drinking took back over last week so I had to refocus. Hope everyone’s having a lovely day in this sunshine
Feels great.
