Checking in at the end of day 190.
Had a good day, went to the cinema for the first time since Covid and had a lovely time with my friend.
So many stirred up feelings since starting therapy.
Was invited to a birthday party at a fancy bar tomorrow, by some people I didn’t see in a long time. Even though I’d love to see them, I declined.
I thought about going, I’ve been at bars as a sober person before. I was happy to drink lemonade and didn’t crave too much, but hanging out in poorly lit rooms with loud music somehow lost it’s appeal to me (never thought I would say that, I used to live there). I find it distracting that people keep ordering drinks and keep getting more drunk, it makes holding a good conversation difficult. I tend to loose interest pretty fast and go home early with some shady excuse. I feel bad about opting out, but I just can’t put myself through another night of meaningless smalltalk, being hit on by drunk guys and being asked if I was pregnant. Am I getting old? Yes. Is my life changing a bad thing? No.
@Tomek congratulations on your days I get that you don’t feel like celebrating, but acknowledging your accomplishments is still important! You did well. I admire your strenght, thank you for sharing your journey with us!
@KellyKelly Hey Kelly I know that feeling of not belonging, feeling left out and being tired of it, we all do on here. You can belong with us now if you want
I’m so sorry you are struggling. I have been feeling really similar lately. I have felt ( and been) extremely isolated since being sober. I work in hospitality and lots of my friends are nurses. Most… scratch that all… of my friends drink. I’ve felt like a loser the past 25 days sitting at home with my dog. When the feeling becomes overwhelming I start to remind myself all the reasons I decided to stop drinking in the first place. How I drank every single day after work. How I drank when I was happy, or sad, or stressed, or bored. How it made me feel after. If drinking was working for me I wouldn’t have stopped. But it wasn’t. I force myself to stop glamorizing going out and drinking. I’m starting to find a love of spending time with everyone when they aren’t drinking. Like going for coffee and walks with people when I would have still been in bed. Im going to try and branch out, find some friends who aren’t as focused on drinking. Checking in here when I feel anxious or down really does help. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone. That lots of us feel left out and alone. I’m here for you if you ever want someone to chat with. Im happy you are back and still fighting for Kelly.
Thank you. That feels like me too.
I don’t really have many people in my life right now. Yesterday I tried reaching out to catch up for a beach hang and a cuppa but they both reneged on me and maybe that triggered it.
I’m always the one asking if they want to catch up, so it all feels very rejecting.
I too need to make some new connections but lost on how right now.
I just want to find my tribe
That’s a beautiful pendant @SoberWalker! What a great way to honor your sobriety date. I’ve never seen anything like it. Definitely going to look into something like that for myself. Thanks for such a great idea.
Sorry to hear about your gallbladder. Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts for a speedy recovery.
I can definitely see how that would have been triggering. I’ve felt really left out too. Nobody really wants to hang out with sober girl when they want to drink. I try and not take it personally. That I made a lifestyle change and it’s less about them not wanting to see me and more about them stuck in their ritual of drinking. I can empathize because that was me too.
It’s definitely good to find your tribe. I know with COVID it’s even harder. I’ve been brainstorming how to do that. I am just making a list of everything I love doing and things I’ve always wanted to try. Learning guitar being the main one! So I signed up for lessons. I’m hoping to meet new people but also learn new things. I’m very much an extroverted, introvert. I feel very comfortable with my people but letting new people in can sometimes be hard. There’s this quote I love “ what you seek is seeking you”, so I’m going to try my hardest to get out of my comfort zone.
I hope you can find your tribe and until then you found all of us
Checking in with 32 days sober
Today is a hard day, I’m feeling very lonely and my mind is cycling thru thoughts of feeling worthless. When my drinking was at its worst, I was pushing away all my friends and family. I basically isolated myself so no one else would have to deal with my bull shit. Since I started my recovery journey, I haven’t opened up to anyone in my life and I’m afraid to. The only person I opened up to was my boyfriend, who’s been supportive, but now he’s saying that all of my issues surrounding my addiction are too much and his feelings aren’t there like they used to be. It’s my own fault for only opening up to one person in real life. Now I feel like I’m living more of a double life than when I was drinking because no one in my life has any clue that I have a problem or that im on this enormously difficult sobriety journey. I was afraid of opening up before because of judgment and rejection, now that the person closest to me has rejected me because of this, I don’t see how I can ever find that strength again to open up to anyone else. I just feel like a burden, like I’ll just hurt anyone who gets close enough
Checking in sober on day 195… But it’s 1 day at a time… I’ve also now got myself a home group and then the next step is to get myself a sponsor to take me through the B.B… Self reliance in the past has and will l not help me. In just under an hour, I will be going to a meeting.
I am sorry you are feeling lonely. I have been too- I think there is something in the air. I also hid A LOT of my drinking. I know how shameful and hurtful it is. But I promise you, you are worthy. I know it can be hard to internalize that sometimes but everyone is worthy. Pushing people away, drinking none of that changes that you deserve to love yourself, that you deserve love and are worthy. I am sorry your boyfriend reacted the way he did. Sometimes it is hard when people see you one way and you show them a side of you that you hide. Give him time. Focus on you and healing. A big part of my journey has been forgiving people, forgiving myself, and just feeling every thing. Even the shitty things. I know you said that you aren’t sure that you can open up to anyone else because of the fear of the rejection… but you just did. You opened up here, to all of us. Lots of us can relate to how you feel, you aren’t alone. Although you can’t control how others respond to your journey or addictions you can let it out and accept, forgive and love yourself. In the end that is so important. Congrats on 32 days and keep moving forward.
It took me some time getting use to not drinking and what and where I could go. I waited till I had some good sober time under my belt. In the early days. I was just pretty happy if I succeeded in not drinking. Believe me I didn’t do much. I kinda needed the rest. It’s not easy. That for sure. That’s why we get support. Proud of you for checking right back in.
@Dazercat I’m glad Minnie is home and resting. I hope her recovery goes well. @Bruce1 Welcome. I hope this message board helps you in whatever way you might need. @Butterflymoonwoman Day 3 is good! Keep it up. It will get better. @Its_me_Stella 20 days of no sugar is awesome cause that stuff is super addictive. Great job! @zzz Honestly? Does it really matter what difference it makes in the world? Are you looking to make a difference in the world? You can make a difference in your world by your decisions, yeah? Maybe those decisions will trickle out to others, maybe not. Who knows. It is you and you alone who makes the choice. No judgment, just a truth. @CATMANCAM It’s hard when the problem is something you need to live. I get it. Hang in there and keep going. It’s a process and you’re doing what you can do. @Thirdmonkey Jeez, I’m glad everyone is okay! Not really a call you want to wake up to. @KellyKelly Man that’s just the worst isn’t it? You cave in and the experience sucks. But at the same time, I found that to be useful because why should I use if I don’t enjoy it? I remember getting to a point with a few things where I literally had it in and and thought, “You know what? Fuck it. I know this isn’t even enough to do anything anyway,” even as I struggled with the hope that it would actually be good. Eventually the realization that the fun was over and that my hopes were empty helped me to leave some things behind. Hang in there. Maybe you reset the counter, but don’t be down on yourself. What happened, happened. Time to move forward.
No fancy number today, but based on the calendar, not the app counter, I am 2 YEARS sober!!
It doesn’t seem real.
Thank you to everyone who has helped get (and keep) me on this journey
Yay, it’s the weekend. Enjoyed a nice night with 2 of the babies. My youngest son and 2 of my nieces went to a sleepover with their cousins. I was excited when I got home from work to find my Halloween costume arrived. I was afraid it wasn’t going to be here by tomorrow in time for my party. It’s a 80’s themed party so I’m going as a Care Bear . I wanted to go as Punky Brewster but my sister already chose it without me knowing so my cousin told me I had pick something different. So a Care Bear is what I came up with last minute. I tried the costume on and showed the kids and my nephew who is 15 months old just laughed. I did a rawr and he laughed so hard. My niece said Ohhh meee goshhh!!! It was the cutest. I love hearing them laugh and seeing them smile. I won’t be staying at the Halloween party very long, they will be drinking. I like to show up to family event to show my support but once the partying really starts that’s my cue to head out. I come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts. My family all knows I’m a recovery addict and they respect that. So I’m always happy to attend to a point. They don’t judge me and I don’t judge them.
My daughter and my 13 yr old son went and spoke to a panel about being Native American-vaccinated and what it means to them. I couldn’t have been more proud.
I get that you don’t feel like celebrating, but acknowledging your accomplishments is still important! You did well. I admire your strenght, thank you for sharing your journey with us!
( that is my best friends name 
)
. I wanted to go as Punky Brewster but my sister already chose it without me knowing so my cousin told me I had pick something different. So a Care Bear is what I came up with last minute. I tried the costume on and showed the kids and my nephew who is 15 months old just laughed. I did a rawr and he laughed so hard. My niece said Ohhh meee goshhh!!! It was the cutest. I love hearing them laugh and seeing them smile. I won’t be staying at the Halloween party very long, they will be drinking. I like to show up to family event to show my support but once the partying really starts that’s my cue to head out. I come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts. My family all knows I’m a recovery addict and they respect that. So I’m always happy to attend to a point. They don’t judge me and I don’t judge them. 
