Ahh whats wrong with me!! How can I just be so stupid, to drink, again. Thinking I got this, its all good. No its not, how can you tell yourself that you stupid *****. Im seriously messed up. I was at the doctor today, to get some days off work to get on track, I never told my real alcoholproblems because Im embarresed, I feel stupid and weak to have this kind of problem, but I have told him my concern for my liver, and he did bloodwork for it and it was nothing. I really love my doctor, he is so good and helped me alot when my anxiety started and got all out of hand, I was calling several times a week and he always had time for me. Even when I called ER scared to death and if he was working, he had time for me. And then today at the end of my appointment he told me he was quitting. Rigth then I got a hughe press in my chest, I wanted to cry, I want to cry Just writing it now. Im so sad losing him, but he want to move to his homecountry to his grandkids and I get that and are happy for him, but Im still sad losing him, and when I left he took my shoulder and said he was happy to have had me as a patient, I could almost not hold my tears when I walked and said thank you for being my doctor.
Wohaaa that got long, sorry. Anyway Im done, the drinking and shit, the horrible person I get. If this dont work this time around Im giving up, “turning myself in”.
I was glad at first to get an evening job because I figured I’d be able to get things done during the day. But I don’t really enjoy my mornings because this clock is always ticking in the back of my mind. Like, “6 hours till work, 3 hours till work…” and so on.
I hate sitting at home, but I feel rushed if I go anywhere.
…1335. Spending the next few days in Cocoa Beach, Flordia with Ms. Monkey. Truly is a a blessing of Sobriety. With out it, I wouldnt be here.
Cute little Airbnb on the beach. Life is better sober. I remember the first few weeks, thinking life was over with out alcohol, thinking it would be boring. It’s the exact opposite.
How about we start with what’s right with you? Write a good long list about all the things you are, what good things you’ve done, what you are proud of. Then, like many have done on this forum, write out all the reasons you don’t want to drink. Are you really “seriously messed up”? Or are you just disappointed in yourself? Because it matters. What you say to yourself - matters. It’s way up there on the most important things list. We spend more time with ourselves than with anyone else. So, we need to be kind (AND realistic) to/with ourselves.
Stop berating. Get up. Shake and a wiggle and get back at it.
Checking in 51 days sober.
My granny is in the hospital tonight. She fell off a ladder painting in her house and shattered her femur. My g-pa passed away in August, he wasn’t there to help her. She is out of surgery and my aunt will be there in the morning to check on her. I just want her to be okay. Praying and not drinking tonight.
Good evening friends - today was a really positive day! A successful day 368 on top of that!
The problems I have been working through, as I’ve said, are of my own making. Without going into too many gory details, I did something to betray my wife’s trust. I had some very inappropriate conversations, via text, with another woman. And to make matters so much worse, it was with my wife’s
unmarried sister. I knew I was wrong and have no good excuse. Anyway, what brought things to a head, and my ugly truth to the surface, is that her sister (who is also one of us, by the way) fell off the wagon the other day, and when she does this, she becomes ugly, mean, vengeful and nasty. She has always had some one-sided rivalry with my wife since they were kids. She saw this as an opportunity to embarrass her, spite me and just cause me problems. Of course, the problems were my fault to begin with. I own everything I have done.
She sent a nasty group text to all of the sisters (Linda has 4 sisters total), plus Linda, saying what a sleaze I am and how she has all the dirt on me to prove it, etc…
I decided I couldn’t hide any more - I immediately went to Linda and confessed my sins. I threw myself at her mercy, although not deserving of any. I really feared that life as I knew it was over. I was ready to take my punishment, whatever she decided.
We had hours and hours of long talks about my behavior and how she was embarrassed and mortified, her own sister, after-all. That all came out on Monday. She told me yesterday that if I was really contrite, I was forgiven. I am married to a saint. I also told her that I wanted to call each of her sisters (not the one at the center of the story) and tell them what I did and let them know that there was some truth to the story they were hearing. I poured out my heart to these women (sisters of mine now for 33 yrs) and they also met me with kindness. This evening, I went to reconciliation at my church (we are Catholic) and poured everything out to my Priest. What a great way to start the rest of my life! I want to learn from these truly awful judgements and actions and turn myself in the right direction. I also now feel that the certain sister-in-law now has no more power over us. She would love nothing more than to tell my story for me, but I’ve already told everyone important.
This was long-winded, but I really wanted to share that news… I feel fresh and ready to go forward and be who I am supposed to be.
Don’t give up this is a journey that has ups and downs some days suck so bad and then you do the right thing and something good comes back to you and you realize why we are trying so had to be better people.
I relate to so much you said. I find myself lying about my using history for no reason. I usually tell people I had two years sober before and I don’t know why. I guess I wanted people to think I could do this because I have before. It’s the shame and guilt hitting me in the gut. I also have terrible anxiety like most of us do. I have been trying to get comfortable with being uncomfortable if that makes sense. I put myself in situations Im not always comfortable like meetings the gym I even did a job at the football stadium with 30 thousand plus people. I’m still having days I don’t leave my room but I keep pushing myself. I am taking medication for anxiety and haven’t had panic attacks since I also work with my therapist and do what she ask even when it sounds silly. And it always helps.
Just don’t give up because we all deserve to be happy
Fear of doing another day 3 had a big impact on my recovery, eventually I couldn’t cope with another one so I decided to stick with the pain of discipline and not the pain of regret. Well done I know how hard that was and I’m really proud of you.
U actually have no idea how much ur post means to me cuz im super emotional right now. Been arguing with myself all day about how to manipulate my money on friday so I can use. And I dont want to start over. I dont want to feel like crap the next day. I wanna see the double digits soon and triple digits in the future. I needed to read that. Thank u so much. Ur post really impacted me.
