@Olivia sending strength, I know those self-doubt feelings all too well
451 days no alcohol.
419 days no cocaine.
12 days no nicotine.
Had the most awful night of sleep last night. Fell asleep early, as usual, woke up around midnight and fed the cats, then didnāt wake up again until 9am! (I usually wake around every 90mins) And in that near 9hrs I had perhaps the worst relapse dream Iāve had so far. I felt so crushed, I was literally about to be crushed as I was upside down in a pirateship bar with smashed glass all around me and we were about to smash into the ground, over and over again, like a hell loop. It was weird because I had refused most of the drinks Iād been offered during the day/night, but as it got later Iād started having sips here and there. I hadnāt used cocaine because I knew 100% Iād likely never recover again if I started, but someone found a massive stash of it, and I was so jealous of everyone that was doing it. At some point I was just an observer of my dream, and it got very dark and unpleasant. I didnāt manage to stay awake today until 11:30am, and I felt horrendous, my whole body felt heavy, hot, stiff, and Iāve had a migraine and palpitations throughout the day. Anxiety has been sky high, was confronted by a friend who decided to have an outburst and take his issues out on me, so have been calmly responding to him for the past couple of hours.
So, I will take all of your good luck messages into my spirit and hopefully do my interview tomorrow instead (I have until 23:59 on 8th to do it, but want to get it over with asap). I definitely need to be in a headspace far removed from where Iāve been today.
I also binged this morning, but considering how I was feeling and how disturbing my dream was, Iām really not surprised that I used food to cope.
Checking in:
Rested for most of the morning. Have really been only getting up to eat. Iāll be going outside for a bit in an hour or so that will help. Iām feeling shitty cuz i really put alot of effort into my recovery this time around (alot more than I used to) and I really thought I was getting it. But I am still here and will keep working harder at it. I did get a few positive things from this and learnt alot actually about myself this time around. So im learning. But I do think I need to incorporate my HP into this. I feel like that was one thing that was missing. Something greater than myself. I believe in God/Creator. I follow the Aboriginal Teachings, the medicine wheel, the 4 sacred medicines, 7 teachings, smudging, sweats, drumming etc. Itās what I basically grew up on even though I do not have any Aboriginal decent in my blood. But thatās what works for me. Anyway, today is looking up! My next goal (Iām going to make small goals) is to get to Day 5 - once I reach this goal Iāll make it 7 days. Than 2 weeks. Just want to get 1 week!!! At least thanks everyone for being there hugs
Said what I was going to doā¦ took out my skirt and drum, sang the Healing song and Strong woman song. Smudged to connect to Creator. Will be involving my HP into my life and my recovery. Miigwetch (Thank you) for everyone here
@Butterflymoonwoman Great work on your recovery today! You inspire me to work on my own spiritualityā¦ cheering you on one day at a time! Love the pics too!
I read it multiple times, too! I think my copy is still at my parentsā houseā¦Iāll have to look for it. I used to want to name my future son āHazelā and got teased for it by some friends who didnāt know better
Day 496. Mood swings, zero productivity. Also my fight or flight mode is getting triggered and i think i might go for flight, but i try to stay put and calm. Difficult still to let people close š¤· so part of me is like, why even try, just dump him. AND HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG. Ugh i swear my head is just a big bowl of weird. I think im better and then bam, feelings - and dealing with deep feelings was never my strong suit. Oh well. Sleep is gonna keep me from taking stupid impulsive decisions. Good night.
Thank you SO much Kat! I am grateful that I dont sit and stew in my sorrows when I mess up. What good would that do? Just keep at it ya know? And thatās what I love about this forumā¦ is that no matter how far along we have (first 24 hours, 3 days, 7 years etc) we all have something to offer one another. People on TS have reminded me to do certain things that have been known to work. I take what I can and try to use it. We all remind each other of things that we can incorporate into our recoveries! Hope u are doing well
Seven is my favorite number. My birthday is 7/7 with a 7 in the year but we wonāt go there. Iām surprised I caught this. I donāt normally look at my counter but we were out to dinner celebrating my hubbyās birthday and he wanted to know how many days we both had and the timing was perfect.
" We are not here to stop you from feeling what you feel. We are here to help you get past those feelings so you can have a better life. I hear it. I believe it. But this is a very important moment for you. Itās either you decide to let go of this and work toward living a better life, or you stay stuck. Where do you go from here?"
Day 95 without alcohol. Been enjoying alone time this week. I love having my space and being alone, but itās also when cravings tend to rise upā¦though they feel more like memories now than actual cravings. I like to go into my own little world and alcohol/smoking weed used to be a big part of that. Iām so glad thatās no longer a part of it at all. Removing that pattern makes me feel so much more free and comfortable with myself.
thanks everyone for being there hugs
Today hubby and I are having fully loaded Kraft Dinner. Cheesy KD with sliced mushrooms, sliced tomato, peas, sautĆ©ed onion, orange pepper, and beef strips. Super yummm and super filling. Just what we need. Hope everyone is having a good nightā¦ day 1 for me will be in 5 hours!!
