I am happy for you and day 2.
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Me, too! @Matt âŠyou are truly a special man. Your insight here on TS is invaluable. Iâm glad you take the same care in figuring out your own situation. I appreciate you.
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Love and hugs 
You deserve that healing
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Hugs to you and to your âlittle girlâ (I have to remember every day to love on mine- hence my name 4lilcinny) Keep aiming!
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Checking in this morning 41 days- Apparently a tree came down last night blocking my road and I was unable to take my morning walk. My walks started shortly after sobriety as a beginning of change, I have been walking 1-3 miles each day for the past 30 days. I feel lost without the morning walk. Maybe this was the universeâs way to make me stop for a moment and reflect, I dunno. I feel empty most days. Not sad really, as just empty, like I am missing something. I fill my days with tasks, chores, and visits with my adult children and grands. We went to the zoo last weekend I was barely present. I was expecting joy and it never really appeared. Makes me wonder if my joy meter is askew? I keep trying to find the innocent childhood joy. When I was drinking I was a happy drunk, a giggly drunk, but a thoughtless one. Today I will be sober. I will keep trying to find my joy and maybe not check a task off my list, but open a sketch book this evening and try to immerse my self in art. I donât know what else to do.
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Yes. It is yours and Iâm so glad youâre doing it your way. Love can be shown by supporting the choices of the ones you love. Congratulations again ! Itâs such a happy and exciting time ! 
đȘŽ:sunny:
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Marie, through your daily check-ins (not rambles) you are showing so much growth its incredible. You are doing things that are difficult for someone with the level of anxiety and fears that you have. Advocating for yourself and speaking up? Good lord, those are qualities of a person who is secure in who they are and is willing to take life on.
I am really proud of you for getting through last night. And you say you donât cry? Maybe you actually do cry, I mean we are all sort of defrosting as we go. We are all learning who we really are without substances. Crying is a good thing, crying heals. Letting those feeling out instead of stuffing those feeling down is healthy.
Big hugs to you today, I hope you can find a job that feels like home.
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I can relate to this. When I share at meetings I refer to it as âdarkness inside meâ . I was just hollow, cold, and black. My spirit had been sucked out of me by addiction. It hadnât happened immediately but slowly over time. It is a progressive disease as you know.
I didnât know what was wrong and I was always trying to fill that void with sex, relationships, drugs, booze, gambling, gaming, shopping⊠but to no avail I still felt empty. Once got sober and I realized it was my spirit that was dead I was able to come up with ways that filled my spirit. Not everyone is the same but I will tell you some of mine.
- Attend NA meetings ( spiritual program )
- help other addicts in recovery
- do service work in NA
- spend time in nature ( being very present)
- spend time with my family
- meditate/âprayâ ( I am not a big prayer but I have my version of this)
- use my crystals
- spend time with my plants
- being creative
There are many other things but these are the big ones. I remember the day I started to feel that emptiness fill and I literally started to glow. All that emptiness can be filled but you need to try a whole bunch of things and find what works for you.
I am sorry a wrench was thrown into your day. Instead of making it a negative try turning it into something positive and expose yourself to something different. Paint a painting?
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Checking in day 475. In a funk. Trying to climb out of it. Going through the motions. Coming here always makes me feel better.
Tried to go to the gym yesterday and was late for my class so I didnât go.
Tried to go to a meeting today but got a call that the dogs were keeping my fiancĂ© awake and that there was more important things for me to do at home. This was after pouring my heart out that I am feeling lonely and depressed and like a failure. He was supportive but then asked if I was going to make him breakfast. I told him I didnât have time and I would make him something when I got home. I didnât realize that working to put him through school so he could get a nice paying job was basically just me putting a nail on the coffin of me being his little bitch who canât do anything right. Ever.
@marcusmaximus2000 great to see you and hear that youâre doing well!! We have missed you!
@4lilcinny Happy 40 days!! You are doing great.
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Thank you, I appreciate your response. Iâll try.
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Been deep cleaning and reorganizing my kitchen. I was left with a conundrum about my glassware from my past life. I donât use it now; not like I used to. I could get rid of some of it, but some of it is nice crystal that I paid a good penny for. Nothing extravogant, but only because I love simple elogance.
I also donât entertain like I used toâthose days I played bartender for my guests; and, indeed, I had a very nice bar as well (another story). But I could keep them for when I do entertain and/or special occasions.
Yet, I want to use them.
I used to be the type to save things for special occasions, but then the nice thing(s) never got used. I never got to enjoy them. Finally, I decided that every day Iâm still alive is a special occasion, because Iâm still here and given what Iâve been through, and the periods of deep morose I go through, thatâs kind of a miracle at times.
Therefore, I decided to keep and use. So for the past mornings I have been enjoying my daily energy drink in style. 
Yes, my friends, one day it might be a bulbous pinot noir glass, or maybe the smaller white wine stemware.
This morning it is one of the very delicate, and moderately expensive, champagne glasses. There is nothing more classy than enjoying a trashy caffenated beverage that is likely liquifying my insides as we speak, than doing it in style.
Picture under a tab, just out of respect for the possibility that this could be triggering to someone very new in their recovory.
I donât usually add a berry. I just did it for the picture.
@4lilcinny Iâm sorry your routine was disturbed. I think routine can be a life raft in the beginning. Itâs not a small thing to have that unexpectedly taken away. Let me ask you this, though donât feel you need to answer me, what was at the core of the childhood joy you experienced when you were little? What was it about certain events, people, or things that you can remember triggering those feelings you long for? How did you feel about yourself as a child? Did you feel loved? Free? Delighted by the unknown curiosities of life? What emotions was it that actually came together to form the package that you identify as âinnocent childhood joyâ? They are just some thoughts I had. Maybe they wonât be useful to you, and thatâs okay, but I just wanted to pass them along in case they would be. I hope youâre able to find what youâre searching for.
@anon74766472 Thatâs a really lovely thought about gratitude and the desire to learn and grow.
@Mno Those flowers are so beautiful! Iâm so sorry you have to attend a funeral for one of your work residents. Life is so fleetingâŠ
@SoberWalker Good for you in not changing your mind. This is about you, not them. I deeply dislike the belief some people hold that you should do things a certain way, just because they want to celebrate you. As if you should just âtake itâ because people love you, even if it goes against what you actually want. Not only that, but you should be grateful for it. So happy youâre not being swayed. Also what a beautiful picture!
@Hopeful777 Donât apologize about rambling, Marie. We all âcheck inâ differently. Considering that many of us spend most of our waking adult lives at/focused on a place of employement, itâs only natural to talk about it when there is a negative impact. Iâm glad youâre going to speak with your manager. Your mental health is important. I hope all goes well.
@kat261 Youâve made it so far. Almost 100 days. Yet, maybe last night was longer in its own way. Itâs good that you recognize your weaknesses and arrange things in such a way that you donât fall. I struggle in that way sometimes and itâs hard. Great job getting through a difficult night.
@TigerMatriarch Good for you. Focus on what you want!
@marcusmaximus2000 Good to see you! Glad youâre doing well! How wonderful to hear youâve met someone! Thank you for the update. I wish you the very best with your new darling.
@EarnIt Hang in there. It can be a tough fight. There is often so much hurt and sadness behind our desires to use/drink. Deep wounds are difficult to work with, but it can be done. You can do this. Hang in there.
@Clarity This sounds really rough. You know, sometimes men understand things better when put in action oriented terms. Expressing what actions you need to take or not take going forward, in order to help yourself not feel the way youâre feeling, and what actions he can take to help you feel supported, might be useful. If youâve already done this, please ignore me. I really hope youâre able to get out of your funk.
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That energy drink is looking mighty fancy! I agree, itâs there to use it. Remember, pinky out!
Thank you Chiron you are so thoughtful and kind. I always know if you âlikeâ my post I was heard and understood by somebody so thank you for being you. I am going to try your advice next time I get the chance.
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Iâm sorry you didnât get the support you deserved from your fiance. I wish I could give you a big hug.
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HmmmmmâŠ
I will try to say this nicely because I am working a spiritual program.
Donât let that guy drag you down. He is a grown man who can make his own damn breakfast and take care of a fucking dog. You deserve to do what you need to for your wellbeing. That includes working out and getting to meetings.
Fuck him⊠( that was my nonspiritual part coming out.)
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Thank you. Yeah I came home instead of going to the meeting and guess what?! The dogs are being as quiet as a mouse. Idk why I listened to him. He has been sucking the life out of me lately. deep breath Okay. Thank you D for all the great reminders. He is a grown man. His mom took care of him up until I met him and now I guess he wants me to take on the role of his mother. His mother was a saint!! I am not.
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Either that or they were co-dependant and she enabled himâŠ
I have found with men like that is if I just do me they kinda follow along behind and eventually stop screaming. He will learn, but only if you change your behavior and be your authentic self.
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Thank you for taking the words right out of my mouth, chica! @Clarity Sarah, it is absolutely okay to say ânoâ sometimes and let him try his worst to make you feel guilty. If youâre anything like me, we feel it without any help. You can rise above that noise! I have learned recently that when my husband asks me about meals itâs usually to make sure he doesnât mess up any plans I have already, not because he has expectations. Not that this is your situation, but even if he does have expectations, he will hopefully learn with a few ânoâsâ that he needs to rely on himself to get fed. Sending hugs!
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Checking in and so weepy today. For seemingly no reason and at anything and everything. Could be hormonesâŠ
Happy/nostalgic tears at a memory, crying over the commercial for a damn cell phone service, FB memories about my boy ChuchoâŠthat might be the trigger, actually. The weather shifting is reminding me of this time last year and watching him decline. Decline with the grace that dogs do. I miss that kid. Now crying again. Itâs going to be rough leading up to the year anniversary of his death and Iâm not sure why Iâm surprised. Iâm looking for gratitude today, grateful to be feeling my feelings, to have had such a great dog in my life for the time we did, and grateful his sis is thriving.
It might be time to do some dish washing/kitchen cleaning meditation, and more plant transplanting. Hands in earth is great therapy. And I need to eat something. Sigh. One foot in front of the other.
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Yes they were sooo codependent. When I read âCodependent no moreâ it was literally about my fiancĂ© and his mother. His mother is also an alcoholic.
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