Beyond frustrated today.
Came into an utter shit show at work today, but managed to push through it. I have to admit though that my new hire (who is my only partner staff today) did an amazing job considering he has been with us less than 2 weeks.
So many people asked me what my holiday plans are, it got tiresome answering “sitting in my office, then sitting home alone.” The holidays for me are a rather lonely time as my family has pretty well disbanded from each other and the few friends I do have have plans with their own families.
But the icing on the cake… A short back story… I live with a friend of mine (Friend A), who got into a relationship with my best friend (Friend B). They are moving in together which means I had to find my own place, which I’m fine with. Made some arrangements and I am taking over Friend B’s apartment. The move involves going from Friend Bs current place to get his stuff, to Friend As to get her stuff then to their new place. Back to Friend A’s to get my stuff, then back to Friend Bs apartment. Needless to say a moving truck is needed.
The move happens on Monday.
They did not book a truck.
“We’ll just call on Monday”
Every place that has trucks is closed from today, until January.
My eye is twitching.
When I found that out I had my first real craving to get sh!t faced like I used to do. I was able to quickly dismiss that thought.
The new year is almost here and I am going to be starting it off right.
New apartment, working out again, getting a kitten sometime soon and most importantly I am sober.
I dont think that is such an ignorant belief at all, situation depending. You are going to feel anxious in different environments but the longer you stay clean the more opportunity you are giving yourself to practice how to cope with life on lifes terms. It does get better there are many of us here who are living proof of that. When you feel yourself catastophising or getting overwhelmed with what could happen reel yourself back in to the present. What is happening right now… breathe and just take it minute by minute, hour by hour. Sometimes looking at these highly emotional, possibly triggering days as a whole 24hr period is just too much.
That’s a lot a craptastic for one day. I’m sorry. The holidays aren’t happy for many. It doesn’t help with everyone Falalaing all over. Just stick to your determination to stay sober and have a better healthier life
Today is difficult as expected.
Having to constantly remind myself of what I am grateful for and how hard I have fought to be the best version of myself that I am today.
The house is currently empty, but within a few hours, it will be filled to the brim with angry drunk people at each other’s throats.
I don’t miss being here, besides my mom.
I miss my home and my partner, and my family and my quiet sober holidays.
It’s hard not to be resentful towards the situation.
It’s difficult not to sink into levels of self loathing.
But despite it all, I have not come this far just to even contemplate picking up vodka.
Alcohol is why my life is in ruins and I’m still dealing with the consequences.
If i were to go back, there’d be no way telling if I’d ever make it out.
I cannot afford to fail, it isn’t even an option as self destructive and hateful as that drunk version of me is.
That is not me at all…
I am me right now, the best me yet and I have so much more to see, so much more to do and much more to grow.
Not only do I rely on me, but my child does too.
So with all that said, I’ll be enjoying a plethora of coffee tonight to keep me sane
In other news last night while finishing christmas stuff before bed, Ifinallydecided to look through the boxes of things my partner had sent when she packed our things. I discovered that she only packed my daughters things. Literally nothing in there was mine or ours. So that makes me wonder if she’s playing games or trying to heal before moving forward? I don’t know but it’s messing with my head and I really don’t have time to dwell on anything at the moment.
Never in a million years did I think this is where I would be in life right now.
With @Mno in keeping a candle burning for @anon27760155 , last we heard from her, in the forum, around Dec 16, she was headed to the ICU and a ventilator. Be well friend, get well quickly and completely! Holding you in thought. You are not alone.
Oh yeah, its been a day.
And I know my neighbors (live above me) are gonna be waking me up at the crack of dawn tomorrow since they have small kids that like to jump around.
Oh well, bad days are just a part of life and I just needed to vent.
My shift is almost done, I have a bottle of pepsi calling my name when I get home, then im gonna listen to some music, play a game for a bit and relax
Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. Santa was just here! I can’t wait for the morning. I thank the Creator all the time for helping me stay sober. If I was using there’s no way our Christmas tree would be over flowing with gifts. I am giving my nieces and nephew the best Christmas and my kids too of course. I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Yes! Frog is out of the closet and in the living room now! Haha!.. My Santa work is done here! … off to bed. Merry Christmas!! Hope you have a good one! :))
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