Checking in. Celebrating day 39
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I might be similar to your mother. When I read this I had a light bulb go off and evaluated my relationship with my oldest daughter and thought I may depend on her too much for the same. I was close to my mother and as an adult I felt she was very supportive of me. But I have found, through therapy, I have some abandonment trauma as a child due to divorce of parents, consequently being left alone to my own devices from age 12 by both parents as they navigated their new worlds. Then history repeated itself and I did the same with my daughters. Not sure there is any insight here yet, but found it interesting and I plan to be more aware of my reliance on her.
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I donāt knowā¦ It seems to me that you might have found some insight. I think anything that prompts us to be more aware is good. Itās really hard to grow up with deep seeded feelings of abandonment. Even if the parents are there physically, theyāre not always there emotionally. It is very hard.
I came to this realization not all that long ago, that there were certain things that I did because I was subconsciously looking for certain childhood needs to be fulfilled that I didnāt get. As I got older, those desperate desires were sought from friends, co-workers, bosses, lovers, etc., and came out in seemingly unrelated ways.
For me, it was only when I recognized the needs, and really accepted (and allowed myself to grieve) that those needs were never going to be fulfilled in the child-like ways I needed and from the true people I really wanted them from, have I really been able to slowly change the emotional patterns that lead to actions I want to change.
I canāt say if this process was the ārightā or āwrongā way in general, but it was the ārightā way for me. I couldnāt have done it without bit by bit becoming more aware of this thing or that along the way. I hope that your relationship with your daughter becomes richer and more full as you find your own personal healing.
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Congratulations on 60 days Traceyā¦
This is huge.
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535 days. Has been quite a while since Iāve posted here but know it will do me better to get back in the routine. I really lost myself the past couple months and have found myself in a dark place. My heart conceded to my mind last night and Iāve finally said goodbye to any hope of a relationship with my ex. Iām not in a great place today mentally but am taking the time out to collect myself and stop the self sabotage. Made myself eat lunch and am now going for a nap. Possible check in again later.
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This is beautiful. It wasnāt meant for me but Iāll borrow your words. Thank you, amigo. So much powerful truth here.
And @Singtone I get it. I really do. Hang in there.
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Oh Michelle, Iām so sorry to hear you are hurting. But glad you came on here to share. I hope it helps. Iāve missed seeing you on here.
Sending you hugs and prayers. And Iām admiring your days still sober through this.
God Bless.
Big hug
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Day 50. Itās a ok day, Iām grateful. So much love
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Thank you for the love, amigos. @anon53116147 @Dan531 @Misokatsu @Hopeful777 @Alisa @icebear @TigerMatriarch @C_8 @EarnIt your words all bolster me to just keep on keeping on. I am understanding now that reconnecting with an old friend and being a support to her is also a trigger for me. It is something I will have to figure out, how to be there for someone but also keep myself safe. Hearing about yet another school shooting in the US and the negligence that led to that is also heavy on my heart. Other things in the news here are heavy. Add on to that the season we are in and it really is not unreasonable for me to be having to work through the tough feelings. I am resolved to do so. Alcohol does not help me. I wish it didnāt take so much work to remember why, but right now it does. Thatās life. And Iāll edit to say that I so appreciate when we respect each other here. We are all different and there is a lot of benefit to that diversity. If we can be respectful of the differences.
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Way to go, Mike!
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Checking in Day 121 or 4 months, feeling great.
My 2 middle boys (11 and 13) are coming for the weekend. May be a bit difficult for me because I am on an all-shake diet and will have to cook for them lol. I just have to remind myself that I am badass and can stick to it.
I am not doing sobriety by myself I have a sponsor and the entire fellowship of NA. I have God and this forum. I have family and friends who all want me to stay clean and believe I can do it. You can do it too!
Love Kat
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@KarenKW sending strength 
@icebear sorry about the migraine, glad youāre feeling better 
@apes2020 sorry for your loss congrats on all the 2s 
@Butterflymoonwoman Happy sober Birthday! 
Thatās so lovely that the lady at the store gave you some goodies, I hope youāve enjoyed them today
@StarK31 welcome back 
congrats on 2 days glad youāre feeling a little better
@Dazercat congrats on 700 days AF and 112 no added sugar too
@Deadman @aircircle so great to see these numbers, helps me to believe that this is possible for the long-haul 
congrats
@RosaCanDo sending good vibes
@1in8billion sending strength I relate to your post a lot.
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@Singtone congrats on 11 months sending strength that you make it through these triggers, keep drinking that water and Happy Birthday
@Lotusflower congrats on 2 weeks
@TigerMatriarch congrats on 60 days
@Kbrininger welcome congrats on your week
@Rockstar24777 hope you got your meds sorted
@liv_m well done for going there, and for taking care of yourself afterwards
@Squirt sending strength
@anon53116147 congrats on 50 days
@kat261 congrats on 4 months glad youāre feeling supported
480 days no alcohol.
448 days no cocaine.
41 days no nicotine.
Iām still finding it really hard to stay awake. This week has just slipped by. Iām in quite a bit of pain with my feet still, my next treatment is on Monday.
My back is bad with the extra weight Iāve gained and just feeling so stuck with it all.
Just found out my friend has got himself arrested this evening. Feeling sad for him. Found out that his mum has been stealing all of his mental health meds and taking them herself. No wonder heās struggling so much.
Had my first therapy session today. I spoke about my inability to say no to people, forever feeling that everyone hates me, the not good enough feelings.
Then I ordered pizza.
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Hang in there, amigo. Your friend might be safer in custody right now. And I also feel like I slept the week away. I hope you get some relief for your feet. Foot pain is miserable.
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Checking in again on Day 4 now that Iām done with work. How do you deal with weekends? Work was so exhausting this week and I want to unwind with a drink. My La Croix is a sad substitute. Iām home with no alcohol here and no plans to go out. But Iām so tempted. Part of my brain tells me that i donāt really have a problem and that itās fine to have a couple drinks. The other part of my brain lists all the reasons I shouldnāt drink. Itās all out war between the two sides! I appreciate this community and all the support you show each other.
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Thank you Tyler. Your working so hardā¦therapy does wonders. 
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Love everything you said. Thank you. You show it is possible.
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Midday check in
I am feeling some anxietyā¦ wanting to use. Itās amazing how I can go from so sure of not wanting drugs to questioning if I can have just one. I went through my reasons to recover and started bawling. I hate that my mind argues with itself and tries to sabotage everything. Its literally been in an argument with myself since the age of about 16 id say. Anywayā¦ Iām reaching into my toolbox and taking out what I think will work. Working thru this 1 min & 1 hour at a time. Deep breathing and not giving my using thoughts any more power than I need to. Just observing my cravings, realizing itās there, and letting it go, and getting rid of anything that is too much stimulation for me in the moment, so no noise especially helps me. Not too long ago I would have never been able to do this. Wouldāve probably never came on here either to talk about it and get it out. My 1st instinct isnāt to start figuring out a way to use anymoreā¦ its what can I do to get thru this. Thatās fān huge for me. Iām so grateful going to meditate for 10 min n then distract myself. It will be okay 
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That battle is soo hard at the beginning; youāll be happy tomorrow waking up though. You donāt want ANYTHING to run your life/thought or actions but YOU!
(I hear in my head, āIām the boss of me!ā)
Youre gonna do it. 
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