Hey all, checking in on day 564. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Good morning all! Day 87 AF 
It’s another gloomy grey work day. Nevermind. I ain’t gonna drink today.
@Bomdhil @Bassanova 
Congrats on 7 days!!
@Lotusflower 
40 days and looking good Des!!!
@Dmcg1987 
Congratulations!!! 100 days!!!
@5th_dimension 
400 days!! Well done sir!!!
@Mephistopheles 
1450 days!! That’s amazing!!
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You’re doing great Tony, almost there.
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I love how it’s all come about over the year. Absolutley packed full of memories of your first year in recovery. Priceless gift to yourself, so proud of you.
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Wow SO close!!!
Why don’t you join is on the gratitude thread??? It’s known to fill your body, mind and spirit with pleasantry…worth a try I’d say.
Congrats on your sober time it’s inspiring.
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Checking in this morning.
Another morning waking up full of shame and regret for all the losses recently. My mind likes to ruminate on all the bad things that happened to me as soon as I’m awake. It’s frustrating and it won’t stop. I did some wim hof breathing exercises and a short mindfully breathing exercise then got out of bed. I managed to make some coffee and now I sit here and ponder what to do today. I’ve got very little motivation but know I have to get a ton of things done before the kids come tomorrow morning. Groceries laundry cleaning. I wonder to myself how I’m going to get through another weekend and be present with my kids. Every day seems like the last, no joy or excitement, no happiness just shame and sadness. I’m going to try and finish this coffee, shower and push myself to get stuff done. Hope everyone has a good day today.
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Today is day 50 for me… Looking forward to a day date with my husband tomorrow (going to the movies to see The Tragedy of MacBeth), then ringing in the new year at home with our kids with lots of Chinese food, cookies, and board games. I’m ready for a happy and sober year ahead, and wish you all the same. 
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Checking in this morning
Woke up super off. But I did sleep well and feel rested. I have been dealing with something related to my past that has been bothering me and I have no insight on it. Don’t know why I still even think of it. Maybe I need closure? I don’t know. Any advice or thoughts would be helpful from you all
So as some of you know from previous checkins of mine, that I was in a very abusive relationship with a man for 5 years, quite a long time ago (probably like 2010ish). I charged him after 5 years and he went to jail. Got out awhile later and we ended up using together with his new gf (this was how I got introduced to shooting hydromorphone)… which almost ended my life by the way. Messed up situation. Anyway after like 7 years of not speaking to him, he gets ahold of me on fb (this was about 2 months ago). We chatted briefly, told him I was married and in a better place now living in a diff province etc. He was in treatment again and said he was doing well.
I’ve been having messed up dreams about him like I want to have contact with him… I feel like I need closure which I probably will never get. The fucking shit he did to me and the ptsd I got from all that messed me up. But the messed up part is that he also had saved my life and prevented a rape from happening one night while I was extremely wrecked off of extacy at this house party. So the thoughts I have are extremely messed up and distorted. In some sense I’m grateful but mainly I feel sick from the things that happened. And not once did he ever apologize or acknowledge what he did. I forgave him for it all, realizing that he was a sick person (as was I at the time). But I forgave him not so much for him, but for me bcuz I needed peace in my life. I didn’t want to walk around angry and hurt and bitter for the rest of my life. Anyway, he starts telling me how much he misses me n that he still has the tattoo on his chest of my name n blah blah blah lol. Mind games. Not doing this. I’m happy where I am in life and don’t need this. So I blocked him on fb after that brief conversation. But it’s been eating at me. Maybe I need to let him know how what he did hurt me… im sure he already knows that but this is so toxic.
Anyway, I’m not letting this ruin my day. I just don’t know why I have these dreams and I don’t know why I want to even bother talking to him. Any thoughts? I feel like I need to figure this out so that I can move on. Wow it’s way too early for this lmao
Hope everyone has a great day!
Hugs
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They won’t be there for a while try to stay in your present moment today. Give yourself a gift and be present for you. Depression is caused by ruminating over events if the past and anxiety of worrying about things that havent happened yet. When we dial our shit back into what is going on in our lives now we rob our brains of the opportunity to start catastrophizing.
I heard something recently in therapy that resonated with me, I will share it with you as it might resonate with you as well. Our brains are just an organ in our body and like every other organ has a purpose. It’s reflex thing to do is produce thoughts like our heart is to beat. We are being taught that when we are presented with a thought to just name it that, " oh there’s a thought that’s my brain doing what it’s supposed to do." And carry on with whatever it was we were doing, not to get caught up n whatever that thought was.
I am working on my eating disorder, negative body image and self talk. So when thoughts like, " you shouldn’t eat that." happen I try to do just that. Before this method I would have denied myself food, and got caught up in an awful whirl pool of shit thoughts about why I can’t eat it or anything else. This seems to work most times.
For you it might look like… you open your eyes in the morning, brain thinks crap thought about how you were treated at work, you say to yourself" there goes my brain again doing what it is made to do, sending out thoughts." and then you swing your legs over the bed and hop in the shower.
Keep trying, the more things you try the more chance something is going to help you.
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I feel much better today thanks for your reply. Just low energy
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That was his intention in my opinion. That type of man is just a worm, you don’t need contact to let it go.
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Checking in on day 45. Someone on here earlier was talking about triggers. I never realized how many fuckin triggers I actually have. It seems like 5 more pop up each day. Even stupid stuff like yardwork or fixing something around the house was reason to run out to the store for alcohol. I feel like I gotta retrain myself to do even the simplest everyday shit sober. Oh well just venting. Not being hungover constantly has been really nice though. Have a great day everybody.
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Trust your intuition you already have the answer
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10 days today 
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Woot WOOT!! Double digits!!!
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Yes.
Yes.
And Yes!!!
It’s was insane how poorly I could handle life on lifes terms when I first stopped drinking. I was having to redirect my thinking all day everyday for about the first 5 months. It was exhausting and damn hard work but eventually I dug out some new neuralpathways, thankgod. You’re doing great and self awarenesslike that is going to save your ass.
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Love this whole post!!! Have an amazing day 
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Checking in day 6
Spending the night as usual. Going to watch yellowjackets which is an interesting series
Stay safe guys and bye
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