Wow. I love this site. I’m like going through my list of issues one by one and starting topics and it’s like yea…I’ve come to the conclusion
A)I’m far from alone
B) it’s folks that have conquered your issues with very good suggestions
C) only half crazy but apparently it’s alot of us walking around with this too.
D) I understand the power of this site.
You got issues wrecking your life? One by one let’s talk about it. Someone somewhere has dealt with this and has a unique perspective you probably haven’t considered. Take the constructive criticism and day after day work on it. Build up your self esteem and work towards being the best version of yourself. Thats what I need to do. #1 thing I’m focusing on that will solve alot of issues:selfishness behavior. That’s my real struggle. Conquering porn was just the opening act.
Hey! My yoga studio does in person meditation classes, so I go twice a week. It would be great if you could find an in person class, I personally find that I get more into it as there are less distractions for me. I also practice yoga 2-4 times a week which to me is a form of meditation as I really focus on my breathing and get out of my head!
I get up most mornings and do the insight timer app. It’s really good too! I try to do at least 15 minutes a day.
Checking in on day 246. Wife has one more day tomorrow for her covid isolation. Tending to 4 kiddos alone has been a mental and emotional challenge lol. We all miss her and anxiously await her return to normalcy.
Got the news last night that a friend from 2 of my times in Iraq died yesterday. He was an ex-pat living abroad who never dealt with our collective demons in a healthy way. It seems it was the cirrhosis and related stroke that got him in the end. An awful reminder that I am on the right path.
Thankful for another day above ground in sobriety.
Morning check in Day 11
What a messed up morning I apologize in advance for the long check in. I need to process this I think…
I left my place at 650am to go to work. Went to get on the elevator and there’s some guy slumped over in the corner with brass knuckles on, talking to himself, obviously right out of it on something. I go back to my suite and get hubby. Hubby gets dressed, comes out, and tells buddy that he’s hitting the ground floor button and he better be off when this elevator comes back up. We wait. Elevator opens ok my floor and it is now empty except for a key fob that the guy must’ve dropped (fob is to get into building). The suite number is on it. I go to ground floor and my hubby goes to 414. As I’m getting off on the ground floor, there he is with some girl. She’s pulling the carpet in front of the door to keep it open so they can get back in. Of course me and big mouth, begins to tell her that she can’t be doing that cuz the alarm will go off if it’s left open. I could’ve just walked by and picked my battles and let it go… but I asked if she knew that guy. She’s like ya. And I was like well he was passed out in the elevator and he dropped his fob. Told her my hubby has it. She was all happy until I told her that I couldn’t get it for them cuz I was on my way to work. Told her that I’d see if my hubby could come down shortly. Both her and this guy starts giving me attitude! All of the sudden my hubby and some other guy from 414 gets off the elevator. My husband heard the guy from the elevator being rude to me and he stepped in and stopped the whole thing. No violence. The guy ended up apologizing to him and to me. Took off his brass knuckles. The girl went upstairs with the other guy from 414. My hubby took that guy back up to 414 and told them to “keep this guy on a leash”…
I went off to work. Was just stewing over this. I had a crazy odd thot of using right after this happened. Not sure why. I got on the train and tried to refocus on my recovery. Tried to pray & was too unfocused. Tried to do my readings but again I couldn’t focus.
I realized how “soft” I am now… and I dont like it. This whole experience made me feel like I probably wouldn’t be able to take care of myself if things had gotten worse and if hubby didn’t step in. I haven’t been in a physical fight to defend myself for years. I haven’t had to deal with situations like this in a long time. I let go of all of those “survival skills” thinking I didn’t need them anymore… im not running the streets or dealing with sketchy people anymore. I feel off right now. I hate stuff like this. It goes against everything that I’m striving for. I feel okay now after processing this. But idk what to think. I don’t feel good that I’m “soft”. Does anyone relate?? How can I change this in a way that wont make it unhealthy?
Good morning. Today will be 12 days alcohol free. Mostly doing okay. Pain is better today. A little stressed about going back to work tomorrow and trying to catch up with everything. But it will be good to stay busy.
I often feel that way too. And all I know is as miserable as I am … I will only be More miserable if I take that drink. I’m pulling for you. You will feel differently. Keep pushing forward.
Thanks for the reply. Drinking is absolutely the tiniest of what’s happening over here. I know that without getting rid of it, I can’t proceed to the big shit. Quitting absolutely does not make things much better, except to alleviate some of the suicidal ideation. There is so much. So, so much. When I look at the mountain ahead, and the shit that people outside of my span of control keep trying to pile onto it, it’s exhausting.
I do not plan to drink in 2022, whether I feel like shit, or not. I cannot give myself the space to even try to heal if I shut down with alcohol, food, tech binge, or anything else.
I start a course with The Luckiest Club tomorrow. I am hoping that the small group size and the work within it will give me a pause, some ease, in my hopelessness.
any rams fans?
I apologize in advance for the long check in. I need to process this I think…
It is super useful.
