Day 4 AF 
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Same day as you
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congrats on your 50 days sober your doing great 
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Wow! Ur facing alot of stuff today 
Thats what Iām noticing too. Its like drinking and drugging masked all the other defects in me and now that Iām clean, Iām really noticing things I donāt necessarily like. Some dishonesty, manipulation, with a mix of old survival behaviours that I donāt need anymore now that Iām leading a diff life. But wow, u pulled out of that with Godās help! Right on!!! Not easy to do, especially with anger I find. Proud of you for seeing the dangerous path u were heading, and then choosing a diff road 
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Thank you so much! Iām excited to find out tmrw if they are! Really hoping they are!
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Sorry to hear about your ex doing that. Iām planning to get back to exercise at the end of March.
I found you a preview, hope the link works 
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Hate to feel sorry for myself considering what is going on in other parts of the world. But itās not been a great day overall. Got to meet some great people earlier at the zoom meeting, but overall todayās been a bummer.
Iām getting fatter even though I have not been eating. Ignoring the gym because itās been snowing the last few days.
Got job interview tomorrow I shouldnāt be nervous about but I am. Not sure about my transportation if I do get it. Try to tell myself that my HP wouldnāt give me a job I couldnāt get to.
Just feeling squirrelly today. 
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There is so so much more to life than drugs and alcohol or other addictions that consume our lives. Ur doing SO well. Iām really proud of you!! Ur opening up and participating in ur mtgs and have a good sponsor. These are incredible things! It absolutely hurts to here anyone die from addiction. It gets me every time. I remember like a year or so ago, I got a text from a friend/support person back home one night, saying a mutual friend of ours had been found deceased in her home by her father. She was close to my age (37). She had 3 kids (who werenāt there thankfully at the time of her passing). But I was using drugs when I found this out. And it hit me HARD. And I had this thought, like āwhat are u doing?! Ur friend died bcuz of drugs and here u risking everything including ur life, for what?! A temporary shitty high?ā. But yet I kept using. Sometimes those little pieces of reality hit me, like it seemed to do for u today. Iām glad ur here and Iām glad ur fighting for urself and for a better life
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Congrats on ur sobriety time!!! I donāt think I ever remember mtg u but hi! And itās nice to meet u
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Day 157
A slow and uneventful day, just phasing on by.
Not great, not horrible, just okay, and Iām fine with that.
Strange times to be alive what with ukraine and Taiwan possibly sinking the world into a global conflict.
Strange and saddening times.
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Made it through yesterday still sober/clean. Only way I managed was because I stayed on the phone with a friend until I fell asleep.
Nothing of note today. Itās early in the night, but Iām feeling ok right now. I normally let my mind wander at night which is why things get so bad. I know it will keep me awake longer, but Iām going to play some video games to keep my mind distracted until Iām ready to sleep. Hopefully that will help lessen my night time breakdowns
Update: Itās 4:30 am, even when I felt like I was about to fall asleep, the second I got in bed my mind was awake. No bad feelings or urges, just canāt sleep. Hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep tonight
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Checking In
Day 10
Its been an okay day. Really enjoying actually spending time with hubby Our communication has been getting betterā¦ or maybe not so much the communication part but the respect and affection is there more. We are more understanding and compassionate with each other. Iām doing my best to let my walls down and be more affectionate. I donāt know why I struggle with affection. I actually never thot that I had an issue with it. But honestly since being clean, I feel tall āwallsā around me that I need to break down. He seems to be showing me more affection than I am to him (and I used to think it was the other way around). He is saying thank u and showing appreciation for things, not criticizing me or jumping down my throat for everything or blaming me for stuff. Idk whatās going on, but I like the clean and sober us im just noticing that i have alot of work to do around love and relationships. I defintily have some distorted thinking around love tho and I have never noticed until i have became more self aware of my thinking and acting. Thinking back, I truly havenāt had many positive relationships and then for quite some time I associated money with love and affection (as a buisness transcation) while in the trade. Just really want to be more open and affectionate to him. I actually pray about that in my morning prayer. When I used to work in the trade, I could literally flip my emotions on and off like a light switch. I could let go of people in my life too easily bcuz I trained my brain to shut down and āactā like i didnāt care. If I acted like I didnāt care about anything, I would begin to believe it and that became my mentality. Since Iāve been doing more self awareness stuff, I am seeing these character defects now in my life. Maybe they were always there and I didnāt notice them bcuz I was high smd distracted. Anyway, it scares me abit that they are there. I begin to question myself, if what my hubby was saying about me was trueā¦ for ex. He used to say that i rarely showed affection. And now that Iām seeing that in me right now. Maybe he was right and Iāve been that way for awhile. But all I can do is change these defects and not live like that anymore. I want to feel emotion and be affectionate and open and fun and happy and not question peoples motives and not be so defensive. Iāll get thereā¦ just literally 1 day at a time lol Goodnight everyone!
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- Coffee. New work week. Sleep is still rotten, but personally yesterday was a pretty good day. Was nice to meet this friend from elementary school. Would like to meet again. Therapy was good. Had another confirmation I can better reach my inner self, see inside myself much better. Big gain. Made some small progress on thinking and acting on my thinking in finding new work.
While outside the world rages on. What a mess. Iāll do my best to make my little corner as good as I can. Sober and clean or nothing would come of it. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Clean and sober. Love from Amsterdam. Another sunny pic from 2 days ago. Hailstorms now.
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I feel like you were writing that about me.
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Checking in on another day sober.
11 days no cigarettes or energy drinks - today has been really hard with fighting almost constant cravings. Guessing because itās Friday and I always looked forward to having a couple of energy drinks with my cigarettes as a weekend treat, guess I replaced a bit of my alcohol habit with energy drinks. Of course 
it will pass though and I refuse to give into the voices in my head because I am my boss not themā¦
Came across this today and it made me smile and think of @kat261 @anon53116147 @Misokatsu @Its_me_Stella with how we were talking about self love and affirmations afew days ago 
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Super cute and short! I may adopt themā¦
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Itās totally okay to vent away here. Sorry you are on the struggle bus. I live in KC, we got very little snow and roads are good. Hope the job interview goes well. Tomorrow will be a better day. Glad you got to a zoom meeting.
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