Thanks you cam 
You are doing well my friend.
Not giving in on using and binge eating. I am proud of you 
Stay strong 
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Day 9
Weekend.
I got little trauma at work.
Excavators ended shift, but one Ukrainian worker said he will wait for me. I was trying to detent as quick as possible andā¦ Truck tent has big metal bar and it dropped on my left hand.
I got a lot of pain and said to that Ukrainian worker - ,ŠŃŠµ Ń Š¾ŃŠ¾ŃŠ¾, Š·Š°ŠŗŠ°Š½ŃŠøŠ²Š°Š¹ ŃŠ¼ŠµŠ½Ń, Ń Š½Šµ ŃŃŠæŠµŃ.āā Itās all good, finish your shift, I will not make itāā.
I also said him whats heppened and said āāŠŗ ŃŠµŃŃŃ ŃŃŠ¾!āā - we understood each other 
I thought first that my bone will be broken or got little fissured. I got broken or fissured bones before many times. So I am very familiar with that stinging sensation. After work I started to fully able do fist with my hand so I think it is only a bruise.
Now looking at my hand and I really donāt like that swelling. After all if it is a small fissure they do not put gypsum on it, it will heal on itself.
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Thank you so much
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Back to the start againā¦was doing good but got a bit caught up in these floods we are having. Was helping at the evacuation centre with a friend and we āneededā wine afterwards. The energy here is quite sad atm.
Anyways Iām trying to be more conscious when I am drinking and afterwards, feeling my body and how it affects me. Yesterday I only had one drink coz as Iām feeling it I started to not enjoy it, it tasted too sweet, my body felt drowsy. I didnāt want another drink.
I read about doing this so hoping it works. X
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Hey Frank, glad to hear you made it through the night. I know itās hard to feel our feelings especially fear. Hoping you can keep checking in with us to give you strength while you go through this time. I think your kids and your grandchild would all be better off if you could stay sober and be present for them.
Sending lots of strength.
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really happy and proud over here
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I am so proud of you Mno 
1000 days ! Huge congratulations
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Day 566 
Have a nice weekend everyone 
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I totally get it
Welcome back Kelly
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Welcome back.
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Welcome back 
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Checking in
Day18
This image right here 
This is what today is about. And once againā¦ this addiction shows me how cunning, baffling, and powerful!
I was finally having a relaxing morning doing a few things for myself for once and then back to back phone calls from hubby (who is naturally more negative to being with), calling me with complaint after complaint of things going wrong today for him. Literally I was holding the phone away from ear and silently screaming at myself bcuz Iām trying to gain and keep some serenity right now. His teeth appt finished and now he is running a few more errands. Then home. And I start predicting him asking me about using cuz I know he is stressed. And I dont want to deal eirh that either. And then the thot pops into my head, āI donāt know if Iām strong enough today to fight it if he asks meā. It was just messed up thinking and my addiction lieung to me about my strength. Iām tired of fighting with my brain! Like I need it to shut up!! This 2-sided argument needs to stop. So im venting abit here I guess and this is helping to process all this. But im tired of reminding myself that people can not make me feel a certain a way. I think that bcuz my hubby is negative and stressed, that itās ruining my day and peace and serenity. Well it isnāt him. Iām choosing to allow it to ruin my day. Grrrr. When does this get easier. Like this Rollercoaster of whatever it is Iām experiencing needs to end real quick lol
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I was going to go to my first AA meeting today but I figured the gym would be enough. Turns out no matter how much I work out I still canāt get out of my own head. I picked up some extra shifts so I have to keep it together for the rest of the night. All these distractions never seem to suffice though. As much as I donāt want to piss away 8 months coke free, it would be the easiest thing to run to. I just want to feel alright, even if itās just for the night. Either that or ājust oneā drink. Then I always end up telling myself, at least Iām not doing blow. Like itās any better or like Iāll even stop at one drink.
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Sorry for the lapse in serenity Dana.
Donāt let it take away your clean time, you got this!
I was thinking the similar thing last night, that I am willing to be triggered and let everything be my teacher as Pema says. Scary isnāt it? Please HP go easy on us.
Just say ā the angry mind feels like thisā or
āanger is visiting meā ā thatās just the way it is right nowā
Surf the waves of emotion like in meditation and realize that everything is like a dream.
Iād have a strong coffee and a walk if possible.
Iāll do a meditation and prayer for you Dana, please take good care š§āā:hugs:
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That was a big thing for me as well man. Yeah working out is great, I was biking 30 miles a day plus lifting and jogging and still couldnāt get out of my head. It starts within, I thought just fixing how I looked was gonna make my sobriety better. If that makes sense but thatās how I felt, I wasnāt really doing the sobriety for me I was doing it to show everyone how better I was bc I was sober but in reality I wasnāt really working on myself on the inside. Not saying thatās the case with you, but it was for me. I needed to do some healing, still do shits a fight no doubt. Congratulations on 8 months coke free, I had a little over year that I blew and got into meth which I never thought I would do. But even now I still donāt put in the work like I think I do, but weāre sober so thatās a plus.
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Definitely strikes a chord about being sober just to prove something to everyone else. If Iām honest I donāt know if Iām truly ready to be accountable. But from my long journey I personally said I would never do x y and z and did all of that. But whatās done is done and I agree at least weāre sober. 
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Thank u SO much!!! I absolutely needed to read this! I totally forgot about how everything that happens to me, is something to learn from. And I love how you labeled the emotion and mentioned āsurfing the emotionā. I do this with urges to use. I will just observe the urge, label it sort of like āI realize that I am craving to useā, and then allow it to pass and not feed into it (cuz that just makes it worse). I never realized that I could use a similar method for emotions. I appreciate u saying this. I needed to read this
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Day 3 of no self harm.
Still feeling mad at myself. Having to see what I did to myself every day sucks.
Had to eat dinner with my grandma and grandpa (the ones on my dadās side) and theyāre not great. My grandpa on my momās side is fantastic but theyāre definitely different. My grandpa is just kinda clueless about how to talk to anyone younger than him. But my grandma is constantly making comments about my weight. She always greets me by poking my stomach. I walk in (havenāt seen them since Christmas) and the first thing my grandpa says is my hair is weird. And then my grandma says I look weird in general. And that Iāve put on weight. And then when she sees my new septum piercing, she makes some comment and then SHE TOUCHES THE WEEK OLD PIERCING to see if itās fake. Itās still sore so that wasnāt great.
Managed to eat dinner with them, but she really messes with my eating disorder brain. Planning to play some games with one of my friends tomorrow so hopefully that helps.
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Checking in
Day18
Just thot id do a quick evening checkin. Iām feeling better than I was earlier. Grateful for Owen @Nowenbrace who reminded me that everything that happens to us is a teaching momentā¦whether it is to strengthen my connection to God or to teach patience or to learn how to slow down or whatever it is. And then to label what Iām feeling, observe it, and let it pass like a cloud in my mind.
I have some resentments going on. Some to my friend who I often compare myself to and then some to hubby.
All tonight, Iām getting the āusing vibeā from hubby. Looks like heās sulking almost. Neither one of us has mentioned a thing about it tho and thatās good! Heās dealing with it the way he knows how. And I am dealing with it in my own way. Our methods are very diff for the most part so thatās ok.
I need a nice lavender bath tonight. Thatās my goal lol and some good rest!
I really hope everyone is doing alright tonight
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