Checking in
Day25
Well I made it to day 25 finally! These last 25 days tho have felt like a long time lol but once I hit 11pm tonight, I will finally be past my longest previous clean streak. So im excited. When I make it to 1 month I am going to treat myself to getting my hair cut and styled 
my hair is almost down to my butt lol and I want to get it drastically cut and styled. I’m thinking an inverted Bob. Today I am working on another dreamcatcher (for the dentist who is paying $1000 out of her pocket for my hubbys dental), vacuuming, dishes, and of course prayer and meditation. Have a wonderful, addiction free Friday everyone!
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@icebear Congrats on your 9 months!
@anon53116147 You’ve already gotten such great responses. I’m not a parent, but I did have a big hand in raising my brother, who is ADHD and was quite the handful, and I do have young students and nieces/nephews. An idea that could be useful is to ask them questions. “Why are you calling me dumb?” for example. And listen to the answer. If needed, ask more questions, if needed. They probably do not actually think you are dumb, or if they say they do it could be because of how you have talked about/treated yourself; not because they genuinely feel that way. Gently correct them and even tell them that you feel sad when they say that. There’s nothing wrong with expressing that as long as it’s not used in a manipulative way. Figuring out some rules you want for your house concerning this, and what the consiquenses might be could be good, then take each of them aside during a quiet time and tell them the new rules and what they can expect. Then tell them together. Stick to whatever consiquence you lay out. Might be better for the rules to say that, for example, calling anyone dumb or an Ahole is not accepted in the house, rather than just you. Just some thoughts. I’m trying not to write a whole book in my desire to help. 
I’m not sure if they’re useful. If not, please feel free to disregard.
@SoberWalker I’m sorry you have to wait longer with the tattoo! 
Maybe the tattoo is for you you to test others. 
Ask people questions about your tattoo as it is now, and if they answer wrong then you know they are not to be trusted. Just kidding. I hope things get resolved quickly and in a way that you feel happy with!
@mno I love the lines in that picture and the colors as well. I’m so sorry about your leg cramps! I’ve had that happen in the past and it’s horrible. How is your potasium/sodium levels? I’ve heard those two are connected and that it’s important to have adiquate levels of them in conjunction with the other, and that leg cramps could be a side effect of it being out of balance or too low. Especially with how hard you work your muscles, it might be a posibility. I could be wrong, but it was a thought I had.
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I’d also like that link for meditation for anger/frustration, if you’d be so kind.
What a beautiful gift Dana, she will love it.
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Wooooohoooooo Drew!!!
Congrats on your 9 months!
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You could be right with the potassium/sodium stuff. I don’t do any supplements, only some daily vitamin D en multivitamins when I don’t forget to take 'm. I try to eat well and healthy and most of the time I succeed. In this case I might have drunk and eaten too little while riding, as I often do.
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You might be right. The body is an interesting thing. When I ate a ketogenic diet (before it was cool to do so), I read a lot of word done by a couple of doctor/scientist guys who worked with professional athletes, and generally they found potassium/sodium were out of balance because they’re body was releasing too much sodium with the water (through the kidneys), so they added some small amount of salt to some water and drank it to replenish. Maybe 5-10g. I think. Not a huge amount.
Of course your diet is different, but I thought that maybe with the loss of sodium through sweat that could be a factor. I’m sure you’ll figure it out 
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Hello lovely people Kat here checking in Day 219 free of my DOC plus alcohol.
Working til 2 pm, I am already working 6 days in a row so said No to overtime next week I just can’t work double shifts I.e. 6am-10pm when I was younger sure but I just can’t anymore. My recovery comes first and for that I need rest time. For my kids also.
Missed the in-person meeting last night due to fatigue but should be able to do Zoom meeting tonight. Have to shop for my kids too who should be coming over.
Love, and have a great clean and sober day!
Kat
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Congratulations! 
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Congratulations on your 9 months Drew.
Much respect
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Today will be victorious.
Today I will stand with my strength, my insecurities, my brokeness and my courage… Because it is ALL me and Im owning my stuff these days.
I have blind spots and I thank God for the women and men in my life that are trustworthy and more wise, more knowledgeable with experience of walking this life out with integrity, self-minimizing and personal internal growth.
Today I will do more listening than speaking.
I hope to take courage with the one speaking I plan to do with a roommate who is showing some pre-lapse and shared some concerning info with me. Pray for us both and that my words would be gentle, honest and without judgement.
Today I will listen to the sounds around me, the birds, the snow melting, the cars driving, the wind blowing through the leaves. Today I will listen for Creators voice and guidance.
Today and just for today I will breath in fresh newness of life, hope, love and courage. Today , just for today, I will do my best to love and cherish myself, without borders.
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Great job protecting your recovery Kat and saying no to overtime. Great job saying no! I don’t know why saying no was always so difficult for me. Have a great weekend.
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I love your willingness to openly speak of religion wronging you.
I, too, have had some TERRIBLE examples of Christianity and I’ve had religious folks shame me, out me and judge me.
I would agree with you, sweetheart, that there is a difference between spirituality and religion.
Ive kind-of felt like Religion is man-made and has it’s lists of do’s and don’ts. All for fellow man to be able to show off their accomplishments, if you will. (I.e.- pride)
Spirituality (or having a personal relationship, as I like to say) is understanding what is. Coming to grow in the truth and ideas that we are celestial beings wrapped in meat jacket. (Lol) Anything is possible and The Universe/Source/Creator/Higher Power intentionally made us, loves us, speaks to us and guides us through various forms. Spirituality also gains us the power to recycle our energies and abilities to manifest a great many things.
I encourage you to find out about AA and the Big Book for yourself. Some may have their own opinions on the matter and yet you can form your own and have an entirely different experience. It’s a spiritual program not a religious one. That’s written throughout many of their texts.
Wishing you well in this journey we take together.
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Your not out of place asking, but I do not want to share it sorry. It’s not badly tattooed in the technique way. But the artist probably misunderstood my idea ore forgot it. I combined 2 pictures to form 1 tattoo. The artist used only the first picture. So 75% is what I like 25% is not. I can’t even look at it. For the 75% he used a sheat and the 25% is a mixture of picture 1 and maybe his own interpretation? I do not know.
I haven’t spoke to him since.
The tattoo are 2 peacock feathers, the feathers are fine but the “eye” in it are ugly in both 
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Day 172
Today, I awoke, well rested, eyes yearning, heart smiling, my soul light on its feet.
Satisfied with being alive, with being sober, with being where I am despite not being happy at where I’d want to be.
There was a long period of time that I thought sobriety was impossible, accepted that I’d be a functioning addict and would die a way similar to my father.
Accepted that I’d leave my daughter and my partner and our family behind because even if I did want to stop, I just couldn’t.
It’s been almost half a year since and I dont recognize that person at all, the person that was myself. I want to hate that person from how much they destroyed my life, from how much they made me inflict, how much bullshit they allowed to fly, from how much they made me lose.
But i forgive them, I forgive the old me.
I forgive my partner too.
They didn’t know half of what they were doing.
They were stressed and depressed and frightened and overwhelmed and hiding their alcoholism while practicing/preaching sobriety 90% of the time. (If it didnt come to a binge, which it most certainly always did)
Regardless, I own up to all of my mistakes and shortcomings.
Fuck addiction.
I focused my sobriety on my partner’s instead of mine.
Everything I did was for my partner and never myself.
It’s like I didn’t even exist.
All the things I did, all the things I didn’t do, all the things I let slide, all the things I allowed to happen to me.
It feels like a lifetime ago…
My first month sober from alcohol felt non existent.
A walking manic disaster. Imprisoned, confined to a room to prevent relapse, literally launching tears from their eyes when they’d speak. Laughing and crying with every sentence I spoke.
Today marks the half year mark since I was last welcomed into our home, the last time I said bye while gazing into your eyes full of love and sadness that I’d be leaving for a few weeks.(because we were never apart)
The last time I would ever physically feel that you were mine.
Today, I awoke content, somewhat happy even.
Happy with you, Happy without you.
Or should I say happy, without you.
Sad that I am this best version of me, and this best version of me is without you in my life.
Sad with you, sad without you.
I survived suicide, I survived the poisoning, I survived your relentless onslaught, I survived being left to my own devices.
I am not that same old person, that person who died.
I survived dying and having to build myself up again from the ashes in the dirt.
Scarred and damaged, not bleeding and broken.
I am still right here.
I still have my ring on my finger, our pictures on my walls.
Today, I am happy, without you.
Yesterday, I decided to breathe.
Today, I did the same, I decided to breathe.
Tomorrow will be no different. .
I am the best me ever.
I am still right here.
I hope you are okay, i hope you are sober.
I am okay, I am sober.
I miss you, I miss us.
I don’t miss drinking, I don’t miss my suicidal ideations.
I don’t miss feeling like I was not enough.
I don’t miss the pain, the perpetual terror.
Someday, I’ll have to let go.
And that doesn’t mean that I wont love you anymore.
It’ll eventually just be something I cannot hold onto anymore.
Today, is not that day.
For the first time in my life, I can say that I am okay.
And god, that feels so fucking thrilling.
End rant.
Thank you for reading.
I am grateful for this community.
I hope you all have a fantastic day.
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I second @Chiron ’s suggestion of potassium and sodium. Not sure if it’s something available in your area @Mno, but the Nuun brand electrolyte tabs are really great and I find extra helpful for during and after long rides. I’ll usually do one of their Sport ones in my water while biking and then they have a Rest line with a lemon chamomile flavor I put in hot water at night like a tea and it has magnesium, sodium, potassium, and tart cherry that has worked miracles for my leg cramps and rls when sleeping.
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I understand and apologize. I really hope you get it worked out much love
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I am in the same place. I am an ex christian and have had 2 bad experiences with people in AA that give me apprehension.
Its why ive been on this app and honestly this app has kept me sober for 5 whole days with my addict mind kicking and screaming the whole time.
I could be open to a meeting if the right one came along! Definitely benefits to structured, available meetings.
5 whole days sober and this evening will mark the 6th. Thank you everyone on this app for the support. Replying to others struggling has helped keep myself in a more rational mindset toward myself, and I love that there is so much to read. So much gratitude from me to you all today.
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Day 590
I have to keep going back and checking that number. It does not seem real.
Feeling very withdrawn and overwhelmed by my own thoughts lately. After my last check in I was so grateful for those of you that responded and I just felt silly trying to find words to thank y’all and express my appreciation for everyone here or to interact further. I love y’all so much and I hate how hard it is for me to try to open up and regularly be part of it.
I’ve been really needing to work on self love stuff lately. I have constantly felt worthless, the thoughts in my head not worth sharing, and like I’m just barely going through the motions of life. Recently found a new online therapist in my state that specializes in the areas that feel important to my recovery right now and I’m filling out info today to try to get an appointment with her. Really need to find someone that is a good fit and start making better forward progress. So tired of bouncing between therapists.
Idk I am restless. It feels like I’m on the edge of big changes - endings and beginnings and trying to figure out what’s next. Like there’s a build up of energy, a buzzing under my skin. Maybe it’s the start of the changing seasons or the moon 
trying to just sit with this feeling without acting on it yet and see what comes of it.
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