OMG what a wonderful and kind dentist! So happy for you!
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I know I canāt believe itā¦ I had to ask him 3x if he heard her correctly lmao Iām so grateful
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That is so amazing! Iām so happy for you! What a kind thing for her to do.
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@Lisa07 sending strength 
congrats on 900 days 
@Pica congrats on all the 7s
@SadMemeQueen Maybe discuss with your doctor something you could take to help you sleep, I have Fibromyalgia too and feel so much worse on the days after Iāve only had a few hours sleep, I suffer with insomnia and PTSD nightmares most nights too, so I can relate and I know itās hard. Please also discuss your struggles around food, some professional support may be beneficial. Sending strength
@roses4me congrats on 40 days
@JennyH thank you so much that is a very kind thing to say. Thanks also for sharing a part of your Spurs story very cool 
@Mno thank you I never feel that way when I hang out here
@anon52066378 Iām so sorry for your loss, sending love 
@Sanuk welcome back congrats on your first meeting
@HillbillyChris congrats on 200 days
@Dansig congrats on 10 months and getting the job
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@Letthesunshinein congrats on 70 days and a new sober relationship 
@SelfLove_42 congrats on all the 1s
@kat261 sending strength
@anon53116147 thanks man and Iām really sorry your mind does the same thing to you too 
@StarK31 feel better soon 
@SoberWalker I really hope they can fix your tattoo and you feel better about it afterwards 
@Seb78 enjoy your little getaway
@DTC52 congrats on double digits and feeling your feelings
@Deelzebub welcome congrats on your week and for joining a fellowship
@Jmillwill welcome congrats on 3 days and trying to eliminate triggers
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Yay for day 2!
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@Its_me_Stella congrats on 800 days and thank you for your reply about recognising the differences in your head vs heart voices. For me, intuition and anxiety can feel very similar, so I will have to listen more closely for nuances. The evil demon voice that tells me nasty things sounds just like my addictās voice but angrier.
I have recently started meditating again for the first time since mid December, maybe that will heighten my awareness thanks again, I appreciate you
576 days no alcohol.
41 days no cocaine.
18 days no binge-eating.
So I had another suicidal psychosis episode last night. I felt like it all day but forced myself out to a meeting to supoort the person doing the main share, as she is the only one who has spoken to me really and made me feel welcome. I had a panic attack in my car because my chest was so heavy from wanting to cry but being unable to, it took ten minutes of deep breathing just to be able to get out the car. I could hardly speak because inside I was battling demons and trying so hard to hold it together. (Trying to reframe my mumās death when I was 8 and all of her suffering 6 years prior, being sexually abused for 2 years as a child, physically and emotionally abused by my Dad after my mumās death, bullying throughout school for having short hair and wearing boys clothes and not appearing outwardly at all as female, being disowned by my whole family for coming out as gay at 15, transphobia and workplace bullying throughout my employment history, emotionally abusive relationships, domestic violence, and being drugged and raped as an adult on a night out, to try to make it all somehow my responsibility and what I could have done differently has really fucked with my head). My heart was pounding out of my chest the whole meeting full of stuck emotion that I donāt know how to release. In the half-time break when I went outside, my sponsor asked me how I was doing and I thought I was supposed to be completely honest with him so what came out was āI just feel like I need to kill myselfā. I canāt remember if he said anything in response before he started speaking to others. Then the woman Iāve met a few times at the Saturday meetings came out and gave me the biggest hug and asked if I was okay, so I spoke openly to her, I also said I think I made the wrong choice with my sponsor, she was supportive and also said sheād sponsor me āin a heartbeatā. We had to go back in, and I deep breathed my way through the rest of the meeting, packed everyoneās chairs away that they all left behind.Then I went home and was awake pacing my flat talking abusively to myself in all the mirrors until 4am.
Fast forward to my daily phonecall with sponsor this morning. He says āI have to call you out on your bs, sitting in self-pity will lead you straight back out thereā. I went mute, but eventually said I donāt feel sorry for myself and that I actively avoid dwelling on the past so I really donāt think itās self-pity making me suicidal, this is just part of my personality disorder, extreme emotions without explanation. He then had a go at me saying I should have approached the brand new newcomer and given him my number. Strange man, me in the middle of a psychotic episode, practically mute, yeah right. He also said āand saying youāre going to kill yourself, isnt idealā (thats not what I said) but I didnāt bite, I just said Iād be speaking to my doctor today to see if I can get some help as Iāve felt suicidal 4 out of the last 10 days.
My doctor insisted that I disengaged from the program, and that none of the trauma Iāve lived through is my responsibility and trying to reframe it to be so is seriously dangerous and damaging for my mental health, as well as forcing myself to do things that give me severe anxiety and all the accompanying physical symptoms incl my purple problem and chest pains, like phonecalls to strangers for example. So I politely ended things with my sponsor earlier tonight.
In the meantime, the woman from the Saturday meeting has reached out to see how I was feeling today as we didnāt get chance to say bye last night. I explained that I felt unable to ever speak to my sponsor again and didnāt know what to do, she asked if Iād thought about what she said last night.
Later on I said Iād ended things with my ex-sponsor but was still doubting whether 12 step recovery is right for me, that I know I canāt pick and chose which parts to do, so I didnāt want to mess her around. She said she is all for picking and choosing what works, and just wants to focus on me getting well after āall the shit hes clearly put you throughā, whether thatās as a friend, a sponsor, or another addict in recovery. So Iāve said Iād still really like to attend the Saturday meetings and that I have a lot of room in my heart for friendship, but thatās all I feel able to commit to while I decompress and stabilise mentally from the bad experience Iāve had with my ex-sponsor. This woman has 7 years clean by the way, and has had her own struggles with mental illness and battles the same eating disorder.
Although my head is a mess, I feel a huge sense of relief, I feel peace and calm for the first time in a long time. I donāt regret trying the 12 step way, I genuinely had hope initially, and gave it my all, and atleast now I can say Iāve tried it. I think itās more aimed towards addicts that have caused harm to others during the course of their active addiction, and I can see why it might work for them. But not people who were using purely to self-medicate/escape/numb after a lifetime of trauma as a survival tactic.
The amazing thing throughout all this is that I am still adding days to all of my counters, and fully intend to keep doing so. I have had a few urges to binge, but they have mainly been from forgetting to eat 1 or 2 of the 6 tines a day that Iām supposed to, which is yet more evidence of how stressed Iāve beenā¦me, forgetting to eat!?
Iāve got healing to do. Iāll be spending much of my time here again, where I feel safe.
The woman and I have now realised we live in walking distance from each other, and she has invited me round for a coffee on Friday. It would be so amazing to have a friend in recovery, so Iām hoping we get along well outside of the meetings. I canāt even remember the last time I made a new real-life friend, 2006/2007 I think.
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Yes, yes same fucker!!!
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Ahhhhhh!!!
I have GOOSEBUMPS! What a wonderful woman.
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I took sleeping a pills a long time ago when I was 12 or so. They made me into a zombie but I was also white young and on a heavy dose so it might be different this time around. Iāve been debating seeking a nutritionist. My body just feels like itās failing and itās making everything else so much harder
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Let me start by telling you how beautiful you areā¦
I see you and I find it so amazing that you read and take note , diligently, of others accomplishments and sending congrats, condolences, praises and so forthā¦
Thatās awesome and I feel that shit! For realā¦
And discerning the difference between that āparty goblinā which loves to go out and party and lie and make me act a fool and the dirt devil chick who tells me that eating a bullet or suicide is greatā¦ Telling the difference between the two can be difficult for me too.
Mine arenāt so extreme any longer yet they still assimilate the same. (Not sure if that makes sense)
Continue to love you. Love and know yourself and stand firm for you.
You are amazing and honorable and worthy and I am so blessed that you share this air I breath, earth we live on and struggle we conquered each day, together.
I know that I am not the only one blessed by your very presence, heart, words and encouragement.
Itās clear to me that there is an amazing and strong force inside of you that can shift and change atmospheres and others lives, all for the better. This is probably why those suicidal thoughts come.
I will preface this with the fact that I am no Doctor or psychiatrist and I am speaking directly from my heartās space here and taking a chance of having others either be mad at me , call me crazy and hopefully NOT offending or hurting you in any wayā¦ But those thoughts are lies and only trying to attack the very power deep within you and stop you from actually becoming and manifesting whatās already within you.
Something beautiful and free and world changing.
Iāll step down off my soap box nowā¦
Please know that I mean everything I say and in no way am I desiring to shame you or disregard those very true thoughts and feelings.
Our stories are different and so are our experiences yet I understand, all too well, the power of the suicidal spirit and thoughts. They may be strong and seem powerful yet YOU are stronger.
I believe and know this to be true.
Stay blessed Beloved.
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Iām so happy for you 
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She literally just said what I didnāt know how to put into words @CATMANCAM . Much love
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I just wanted to apologize for my pretty open post earlier. Sometimes I feel I overshare and I need to be much more mindful. I chucked my pre work out in the garbage. I abused it really bad again tonight my head felt like it was going to pop I was shaking off it really bad and I was super irritable. I feel so fucking pathetic that I canāt even control something as stupid as some caffeine.
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How much sugar is in it?
If you saw me fiending for sugar you would think I was flipping my house looking for dope.
It.
Is.
That.
Bad.
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Donāt feel stupid. I have been the same way-Iāve drank 2 five hour energies in a row just to feelā¦something. Dizzy and sick and full of anxiety is all it left me. Youāre noticing what youāre doing and holding yourself accountable for it-give yourself some credit
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I am so so happy you got this break. All your hard work, determination, positivity and love for everyone on this forum is all coming back to you. I hope every day you get the blessings you so deserve!
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Thank you, Cam. Taking the time to celebrate my milestone with everything you got going on is very kind and selfless.
That woman sounds very supportive and understanding. I hope it blossoms into a nice relationship. Having someone like her in real life will be good for your well-being.
Iām really proud of you for speaking up and doing what you need to do for you. 
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I can relate with you and @Its_me_Stella and @mleclaire. I have a very addictive personality with everything. It takes a lot of work and I hope you can be kind to yourself. Youāre not alone.
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