Checking in
Day23
Omg!!! I have to share some amazing news! Both me n hubby are in shock! For those of u who read about how we absolutely needed some serious money to pay for my hubbys dental (as he has a severe infection in his bottom teeth/gums… that left untreated would’ve cost him his life… according to the xrays and the state of his teeth), we got some amazing unexpected news. He spoke to the dentist tonight who would be pulling his teeth about a payment plan. The $1000 in benefits that he has, she will use up… but the reminder of what we would’ve owed (which according to her would have been just shy of another $1000 for everything), she is literally paying out of her own pocket!!! No word of a lie! She was concerned about his situation and the financial situation we are in, that she is literally paying the remainder! The dentures tho we will need to pay for and that’s fine. My tax refund (hopefully) will cover most/all of that. But I can’t believe this! I’ve been praying and doing everything I can on my end to try and make stuff happen to get money together for him. And he may not be a believer in any sort of HP (yet), but I am… and I told him (this is no coincidence that she wants to help… cuz especially with dentists, I have never, ever, seen a dentist pay or waive this much money for someone’s dental). I know God was working miracles here. And this right here makes me wanna keep going with recovery. I was having using thots today and I kept playing the tape and thinking of everyone here and my family and the connection I’ve built with God. And that all goes away or suffers when I use. I don’t want that. And this news happened and it reinforced my strength in recovery. God is good! And recovery is good! And drugs can 
my ass quite frankly cuz what good did they ever, EVER do me lol. I had to share, cuz this is God’s work, working thru people hands down!
OMG what a wonderful and kind dentist! So happy for you!
I know I can’t believe it… I had to ask him 3x if he heard her correctly lmao I’m so grateful
That is so amazing! I’m so happy for you! What a kind thing for her to do.
@Lisa07 sending strength 
congrats on 900 days 
@Pica congrats on all the 7s
@SadMemeQueen Maybe discuss with your doctor something you could take to help you sleep, I have Fibromyalgia too and feel so much worse on the days after I’ve only had a few hours sleep, I suffer with insomnia and PTSD nightmares most nights too, so I can relate and I know it’s hard. Please also discuss your struggles around food, some professional support may be beneficial. Sending strength
@roses4me congrats on 40 days
@JennyH thank you so much that is a very kind thing to say. Thanks also for sharing a part of your Spurs story very cool 
@Mno thank you I never feel that way when I hang out here
@anon52066378 I’m so sorry for your loss, sending love 
@Sanuk welcome back congrats on your first meeting
@HillbillyChris congrats on 200 days
@Dansig congrats on 10 months and getting the job
@Letthesunshinein congrats on 70 days and a new sober relationship 
@SelfLove_42 congrats on all the 1s
@kat261 sending strength
@anon53116147 thanks man and I’m really sorry your mind does the same thing to you too 
@StarK31 feel better soon 
@SoberWalker I really hope they can fix your tattoo and you feel better about it afterwards 
@Seb78 enjoy your little getaway
@DTC52 congrats on double digits and feeling your feelings
@Deelzebub welcome congrats on your week and for joining a fellowship
@Jmillwill welcome congrats on 3 days and trying to eliminate triggers
Yay for day 2!
@Its_me_Stella congrats on 800 days and thank you for your reply about recognising the differences in your head vs heart voices. For me, intuition and anxiety can feel very similar, so I will have to listen more closely for nuances. The evil demon voice that tells me nasty things sounds just like my addict’s voice but angrier.
I have recently started meditating again for the first time since mid December, maybe that will heighten my awareness thanks again, I appreciate you
576 days no alcohol.
41 days no cocaine.
18 days no binge-eating.
So I had another suicidal psychosis episode last night. I felt like it all day but forced myself out to a meeting to supoort the person doing the main share, as she is the only one who has spoken to me really and made me feel welcome. I had a panic attack in my car because my chest was so heavy from wanting to cry but being unable to, it took ten minutes of deep breathing just to be able to get out the car. I could hardly speak because inside I was battling demons and trying so hard to hold it together. (Trying to reframe my mum’s death when I was 8 and all of her suffering 6 years prior, being sexually abused for 2 years as a child, physically and emotionally abused by my Dad after my mum’s death, bullying throughout school for having short hair and wearing boys clothes and not appearing outwardly at all as female, being disowned by my whole family for coming out as gay at 15, transphobia and workplace bullying throughout my employment history, emotionally abusive relationships, domestic violence, and being drugged and raped as an adult on a night out, to try to make it all somehow my responsibility and what I could have done differently has really fucked with my head). My heart was pounding out of my chest the whole meeting full of stuck emotion that I don’t know how to release. In the half-time break when I went outside, my sponsor asked me how I was doing and I thought I was supposed to be completely honest with him so what came out was ‘I just feel like I need to kill myself’. I can’t remember if he said anything in response before he started speaking to others. Then the woman I’ve met a few times at the Saturday meetings came out and gave me the biggest hug and asked if I was okay, so I spoke openly to her, I also said I think I made the wrong choice with my sponsor, she was supportive and also said she’d sponsor me ‘in a heartbeat’. We had to go back in, and I deep breathed my way through the rest of the meeting, packed everyone’s chairs away that they all left behind.Then I went home and was awake pacing my flat talking abusively to myself in all the mirrors until 4am.
Fast forward to my daily phonecall with sponsor this morning. He says ‘I have to call you out on your bs, sitting in self-pity will lead you straight back out there’. I went mute, but eventually said I don’t feel sorry for myself and that I actively avoid dwelling on the past so I really don’t think it’s self-pity making me suicidal, this is just part of my personality disorder, extreme emotions without explanation. He then had a go at me saying I should have approached the brand new newcomer and given him my number. Strange man, me in the middle of a psychotic episode, practically mute, yeah right. He also said ‘and saying you’re going to kill yourself, isnt ideal’ (thats not what I said) but I didn’t bite, I just said I’d be speaking to my doctor today to see if I can get some help as I’ve felt suicidal 4 out of the last 10 days.
My doctor insisted that I disengaged from the program, and that none of the trauma I’ve lived through is my responsibility and trying to reframe it to be so is seriously dangerous and damaging for my mental health, as well as forcing myself to do things that give me severe anxiety and all the accompanying physical symptoms incl my purple problem and chest pains, like phonecalls to strangers for example. So I politely ended things with my sponsor earlier tonight.
In the meantime, the woman from the Saturday meeting has reached out to see how I was feeling today as we didn’t get chance to say bye last night. I explained that I felt unable to ever speak to my sponsor again and didn’t know what to do, she asked if I’d thought about what she said last night.
Later on I said I’d ended things with my ex-sponsor but was still doubting whether 12 step recovery is right for me, that I know I can’t pick and chose which parts to do, so I didn’t want to mess her around. She said she is all for picking and choosing what works, and just wants to focus on me getting well after ‘all the shit hes clearly put you through’, whether that’s as a friend, a sponsor, or another addict in recovery. So I’ve said I’d still really like to attend the Saturday meetings and that I have a lot of room in my heart for friendship, but that’s all I feel able to commit to while I decompress and stabilise mentally from the bad experience I’ve had with my ex-sponsor. This woman has 7 years clean by the way, and has had her own struggles with mental illness and battles the same eating disorder.
Although my head is a mess, I feel a huge sense of relief, I feel peace and calm for the first time in a long time. I don’t regret trying the 12 step way, I genuinely had hope initially, and gave it my all, and atleast now I can say I’ve tried it. I think it’s more aimed towards addicts that have caused harm to others during the course of their active addiction, and I can see why it might work for them. But not people who were using purely to self-medicate/escape/numb after a lifetime of trauma as a survival tactic.
The amazing thing throughout all this is that I am still adding days to all of my counters, and fully intend to keep doing so. I have had a few urges to binge, but they have mainly been from forgetting to eat 1 or 2 of the 6 tines a day that I’m supposed to, which is yet more evidence of how stressed I’ve been…me, forgetting to eat!?
I’ve got healing to do. I’ll be spending much of my time here again, where I feel safe.
The woman and I have now realised we live in walking distance from each other, and she has invited me round for a coffee on Friday. It would be so amazing to have a friend in recovery, so I’m hoping we get along well outside of the meetings. I can’t even remember the last time I made a new real-life friend, 2006/2007 I think.
Yes, yes same fucker!!!
Ahhhhhh!!!
I have GOOSEBUMPS! What a wonderful woman.
I took sleeping a pills a long time ago when I was 12 or so. They made me into a zombie but I was also white young and on a heavy dose so it might be different this time around. I’ve been debating seeking a nutritionist. My body just feels like it’s failing and it’s making everything else so much harder
Let me start by telling you how beautiful you are…
I see you and I find it so amazing that you read and take note , diligently, of others accomplishments and sending congrats, condolences, praises and so forth…
That’s awesome and I feel that shit! For real…
And discerning the difference between that ‘party goblin’ which loves to go out and party and lie and make me act a fool and the dirt devil chick who tells me that eating a bullet or suicide is great… Telling the difference between the two can be difficult for me too.
Mine aren’t so extreme any longer yet they still assimilate the same. (Not sure if that makes sense)
Continue to love you. Love and know yourself and stand firm for you.
You are amazing and honorable and worthy and I am so blessed that you share this air I breath, earth we live on and struggle we conquered each day, together.
I know that I am not the only one blessed by your very presence, heart, words and encouragement.
It’s clear to me that there is an amazing and strong force inside of you that can shift and change atmospheres and others lives, all for the better. This is probably why those suicidal thoughts come.
I will preface this with the fact that I am no Doctor or psychiatrist and I am speaking directly from my heart’s space here and taking a chance of having others either be mad at me , call me crazy and hopefully NOT offending or hurting you in any way… But those thoughts are lies and only trying to attack the very power deep within you and stop you from actually becoming and manifesting what’s already within you.
Something beautiful and free and world changing.
I’ll step down off my soap box now…
Please know that I mean everything I say and in no way am I desiring to shame you or disregard those very true thoughts and feelings.
Our stories are different and so are our experiences yet I understand, all too well, the power of the suicidal spirit and thoughts. They may be strong and seem powerful yet YOU are stronger.
I believe and know this to be true.
Stay blessed Beloved.
I’m so happy for you 
I just wanted to apologize for my pretty open post earlier. Sometimes I feel I overshare and I need to be much more mindful. I chucked my pre work out in the garbage. I abused it really bad again tonight my head felt like it was going to pop I was shaking off it really bad and I was super irritable. I feel so fucking pathetic that I can’t even control something as stupid as some caffeine.
How much sugar is in it?
If you saw me fiending for sugar you would think I was flipping my house looking for dope.
It.
Is.
That.
Bad.
Don’t feel stupid. I have been the same way-I’ve drank 2 five hour energies in a row just to feel…something. Dizzy and sick and full of anxiety is all it left me. You’re noticing what you’re doing and holding yourself accountable for it-give yourself some credit
I am so so happy you got this break. All your hard work, determination, positivity and love for everyone on this forum is all coming back to you. I hope every day you get the blessings you so deserve!
Thank you, Cam. Taking the time to celebrate my milestone with everything you got going on is very kind and selfless.
That woman sounds very supportive and understanding. I hope it blossoms into a nice relationship. Having someone like her in real life will be good for your well-being.
I’m really proud of you for speaking up and doing what you need to do for you. 
I can relate with you and @Its_me_Stella and @mleclaire. I have a very addictive personality with everything. It takes a lot of work and I hope you can be kind to yourself. You’re not alone.