@Butterflymoonwoman Look at you go! 
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100 DAYS AF
Alot has changed in that time. I have come to understand my addiction issues and how to overcome them. Breaking a habit is certainly difficult, but if you want something bad enough, will power and self belief goes a long way in helping you achieve your goals. If you have good people around you that certainly helps too. But most of all, itās up to YOU. I have done some things in these past 100 days that I most certainly did not think would be achievable and having so much fun at the same time. My health, both physical and mental have improved vastly. I have lost 16kgs since early January. The most important thing is alcohol no longer controls my emotions, my time, my thoughts, my wallet, my lifeā¦
Huge thank you to everyone in this group. Hold your heads high and be proud of yourselves. Love you guys.
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Congratulations! And that is some weight loss!
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Hey guys. Checking in with 17 days. Feeling good. I can feel a bit of a pull to the pub over these long weekends. But my partner and I are in this together, normally partners in crime spending all our money on beer. We had some good alcohol free drinks with Good Friday lunch yesterday with the family, went and hired some electric scooters and cruised along the water in the sunshine. It was a good day, and today will be one too. Just have to ignore that little voice in my head thatās telling me the pub would be great on a day off, cause it really wonāt be.
Have a great weekend guys. Thanks for being here 
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Tonight will be day 47 of no self harm
I have a couple chronic health conditions not related to my eating disorder, so I have a hard time telling why Iām feeling bad physically.
Anyway, my hair has been short for a long time so there was never enough hair to get tangled. Itās at the length now that I have to brush it. I brushed it today and thereās so much hair falling out. I always woke up with hair on my pillow but I figured that itās normal. And now brushing my hair it all just comes out.
I know this symptom at least is because of my lack of food intake. Even when I eat itās absolutely nothing of nutritional value. I have to somehow motivate myself to eat healthier and more often. Food is a really big issue for me. I hate my body as is, I donāt know if I could stand seeing myself gain weight. I just donāt know how Iām going to do it, but I know I have to. Iāll never get out of this town if Iām not healthy enough to support myself.
On top of that discussing my family with my therapist yesterday has made me realize that up until about 13 I have very minimal memories. I canāt account for so many years. That stressed me out last night and now my brain is just trying so hard to go back and remember. I donāt want to remember those things. I already have PTSD from the things that I do remember. I donāt know if I can deal with more memories. I never processed anything and I keep running from it. Sometimes I start to process but itās too much and I just shut down.
I just feel like Iām realizing that my āokayā is a very very very low. My ok is not being suicidal. Thatās the best my mood gets.
Sorry for long post. I just needed to get that off my chest
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Day 15
Duality strikes hard today
Some days I am both the person being run from and the person being sought after.
Sometimes Iām the one they regret and the one they remember fondly
The one that hurts them and the one who has to heal them.
Iām not sure right now (or ever) but Iām sober and Iām here. Iām not going to repeat myself anymore in that one regard; Iām just tired of hurting and defensiveness right now on my [reactive] part. Lots of regret resurfacing right now.
Regardless, I stand here and refuse to turn back from whence I came.
This time I have observed enough and listened through many conversations enough already, recently, to realize I am going to broadly strike myself down if I go down that road anymore, ever again.
Grateful as heck for this community and Iām going to lean in and continue to work on my listening skills and remembering that I donāt need to be defensive and reactive in order to get my point across or answer questions.
Iām continuing to learn right now how unhelpful and hurtful that has actually been to myself and others. Iām still learning the grace and art of forgiving myself and letting go.
I relate strongly to this song and highly recommend a listen:
Have a great day and Iām still here
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Good for you Alycia. Youāre making a choice for yourself and sticking with it, and eventually that voice will lose its volume. (It is still sort of left-over later on, but itās not so immediate, if that makes sense.) One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, is how you get through it for the win.
For me when that voice comes (or whenever Iām feeling vulnerable; that happens when I get discouraged about something in life) - when that happens I come here and share in the checkin thread. Getting the words out helps give it shape, and when itās outside me I know it isnāt part of me - and I can walk by, let it pass me, like a stranger on a busy street.
Letting thoughts and feelings be, but also letting them pass by without getting stuck / fixating - this meditation really helped me feel that. Maybe you will find it helpful too 
https://insighttimer.com/MelliOBrien/guided-meditations/untangle-from-charged-thoughts
Take care Alycia and donāt give up. Youāre a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
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Good evening everyone ~
Tonight Iām going to hear my sponsor speak at the AL Anon Club. I asked my wife if she wanted to go and she said yes! That makes me happy. She will get to meet most of my AA home group family as they plan on attending. Should be a fun sober night!
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I put it out there. Iām glad it found you!
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Right there with you.
When I first had my trauma end event, as I guess Iāll call it, about 3 mos later (the time it takes for hair to go through the whole growth and shed phase) , I literally lost half my hair. Fell out one morning. Then, as with you, my cPTSD made it so I was in constant fight/flight which is a sympathetic response in our body which says, DONT EAT! YOU MUST RUN FROM BEAR! and so I didnāt eat for a really long time. Like maybe 900 cals a day. For about a year or 2. My hair did the exact same thing yours is doing. Even to this day I still have trouble eating.
But, if I can manage 1g of protein per kg of body weight (Iād prefer 1 g per poundā¦ish) but heck, Iām doing what I can. A d I have protein powder for that. itās processed, but itās food. and its easy. And it keeps my hair from falling out.
Iām virtually holding your hand right now If thatās what you need. Or Iāll sit with you. Iām sitting in my closet. It calm and quiet, and a really good spot to block out the crap for a bit. So letās sit together and realize weāre 100% worth taking care of ourselves < 3. Weāve got this!
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Checking in
Day 60
Today has been a busy day celebrating my hunnys 48th bday. While he was out buying himself a Jordan outfit, I decided to decorate the front door and inside the apartment, got him a McCain Cake (one of his fav) and smoothed out the icing and used cake decorations that I had on hand to make it more personalized. Did up his gifts and then waited for him to come home. Since Iāve been clean snd sober (him too), I have really enjoyed spoiling people lol its like Iām not so much a cold hearted woman anymore and not nearly as shut down. Anyway, he enjoyed his stuff. Then I went grocery shopping as we were really out of food. Got myself a water flavor enhancer, avocados, and veg to help me with my healthy eating. Hubby is going to tattoo himself now. He was going to give me one but Iām not sure exactly what I want. I had an idea for one but Iām not sure haha he will fix it up and then Iāll see if thereās time for me to get it! Pretty good day over all! 
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Well done! You deserve to be proud 
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Hey everyone, still not feeling well at all. Havenāt ate much in these last 4 days. Probably should of went to the doctors but if course like everything I can do it on my own. Girls are still a little sick but definitely were better and went home with there mom today and went to the movies so Iām very happy for them. I am scared once I feel better that Iām gonna keep up the same stupid Mike stuff. Like I said I used last Friday or w.e and came in here in a panick swearing to never do it again only to go and pick up Sunday. Iām glad I got sick and feel like crap I deserve it. I need to think about maybe finding a job but I donāt even know where to look, I really blew the one place that was kind of good for me with all the benefits, but at the same time know it was definitely meant to be getting out there. But now Iām really limited on where to try and get a job, no license and yeah small town limited jobs. I donāt really see the tattoo working, not bc I donāt want it to but bc Iām not getting many clients. Idk much love, hopefully talk again soon
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I love it too! So beautifully written!
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Take whatever job you can find for structure and tattoo on the side maybe??? Iām glad youāre back here posting
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Before it had a bookshelf in it I loved sitting in my closet. It was so quiet and calm. Thank you 
weāre worth it. Knowing itās not just me means a lot
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Way to go Seb!
Welcome to the hundreds club.
Itās really cool watching the new you grow in your sobriety. Iāve been seeing a different you ever since you came back this time. Iām so excited for your success. Like Paul said @Dolse71 surround your self with winners.
Iām so glad youāre back.
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massive, huge congrats from over here 
well done.
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