Evening check-in. I was reading do much about motivation these days. Maybe I was also primed as a read interesting stuff about it in a book.
I am pretty sure that I wouldn’t be sober with motivation only. It’s sometimes a good starting point to initiate change but it won’t keep me going. It is changing so quickly. My motivation can change in hours or even minutes. If I think about it and I have also asked this here. I used to wake up and was so determined or motivated to quit for good, that today I wouldn’t drink. Yet, well… Almost never lasted. Then I read tools and that I had to have a toolbox at hand. Didn’t really know what the hell that should mean. Now, I have an idea of what this means.
The job interview was good, I guess. I cannot really tell what the woman was thinking. I couldn’t read her mimic. She is not German so that might be a reason.
The other person was really squeezing me out about my CV and why and why and why I did this or that. It’s not an industry where you can say: well, I was in therapy for some time and needed to be inscribed to have health insurance. So, at a point I said that I don’t feel like I have to justify my CV. What was done, is done and that all these decisions made me what I am today. That I made many different experiences which I value a lot. Anyway, I signalled that I was interested and should get a response latest on Monday.
Day 19 and I’m living it
Went to my fave coffee shop and they know me there. I love being a small part of places like this. Got to do my journaling and catching up on more things I delayed pre-sobriety.
Woke up and did (almost) my whole morning routine including a solid 25 min run! I did that! Yeahh buddy
For the 1st time since I can ever remember I can actually say: IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ME!
This is great tbh
I like it now and I’m making it mine to keep
I’m still here, and will be even when the rain shows up. I think I’m realizing life and emotions are like the weather. Can’t have sun all the time or things dry out. Rain and low points are the thing that can cause growth sometimes. I can try to smile, or at least just breathe, and walk through the rough patches and come out drenched and okay
I took away some Chinese food at a restaurant, when I saw the wine bottles behind the lady who gave me the food, i froze, became hesitant, then auto-kicked my ass, payed the food and came back home.
Me 1 - my addictions 0
Awe it’s okay!!! I unfortunately sometimes miss milestones for others on here or other life events bcuz I don’t get on here alot some days. There will be many more milestones coming up for me ans u and others so there’s plenty of time to celebrate! Hope ur well lady
It was horrific. Totally threw off my mood. Meditation was hard to do this morning bcuz of that too. I think ur nightmare would’ve been worse tho. I’m so thankful it was a dream tho. Hope ur day improves also! My day has been okay. That work training I had drained me tho. Just eating and relaxing now
Cam!!! I’m so glad to see you back. Please don’t stay away out of shame. We’re all here for you friend! I do hope you’ll stick around. I’ve missed your regular check ins.
I might sound philosophical again, but this is my sound. Some may like it; most will not. I might resonate.
This is very important days in my life, as by Avestan Astrology everything goes in cycles in life, and life of human spirit does evolve with cycles. We can feel it sometimes, but most of the time when shift opens, we are tempted to fall and that gives inertia to go downhill even further. Same with climbing UP! Some cycles are small but others creates algorithms and programs for many years in the future.
That being said, everything is in our hands, but also we are in Higher Powers hands.
This is just the way I receive information, and I can only be Thankful for the received gifts and opportunities.
Many times I was giften with second chances in life. Many times I failed. Many fights with fears were lost and masks left.
Opportunities and luck on the other hand runs out, and the time that is happening right now are exact shift opened, with my fears waiting ahead.
I do recognise it, and it feels surrending and going through invisible bridge, but thats the only way. Surrending and moving to New Path, feels like brains starts to melt and hands to shake becaus they don’t understands theese dimensions. You can’t touch it. You need to Believe!
And Believe is all I have right now. Hand are emty and I ready to let go.
Interviewing is such a process. I totally understand what you are going through. I too am looking for a new job and I’m pretty anxious about it. Nonetheless, let’s keep one another in our thoughts as we go through this process. Happy to hear that you stated that you were interested in the job. Good luck!
Day 35
Last night I was craving because of pain - a pinched nerve - so I went to bed early. I dreamt about getting wasted again. Ive had terrible nightmares my whole life so this was something I was just waiting for, sadly. I spent almost a decade taking Seroquel which messed up my sleep so bad. Basically I have recurring nightmares, but they’re not just recurring. It’s like living a whole entire other life. If I wake up in real life when in my dream it’s noon on Saturday - then the next time I fall asleep and visit this world it will still be noon on Saturday there. I have weekly plans on my calendar there. I have memorized the entire map of the “world” in my dreams. From my “childhood places” (in a fake world …) to regular chain store malls. Bookstores, houses, parks. I’ve lived years there. I have another life, other friends, other places I hang out. Strangers in real life but I see them every time I visit this dream world. 🥲 I’ve read about others experiencing the same thing. Thankfully I quit taking Seroquel but sometimes I still visit that world, and there I am an alcoholic still. It’s so confusing. I took Prazosin to try and rid myself of all dreams but it stopped working. I woke up in a panic thinking I gave it all up!! I’m so glad it was just nightmare me … anyway. Before last night, I was thinking how I noticed I’m not thinking about alcohol nearly as much on this Vivitrol shot! I read about people not thinking about it as much, but thought surely not? I figured it would help physically but mentally I’d be on my own as usual. But it actually is working lol, it’s so wild! Something works on my messed up head!!
Checking in on Day 83. I heard a silly tiktok philosopher say something like “If you feel bad, just start doing something. It might make you feel better, but even if it doesn’t, you end up getting something done” By golly, my house has been cleaner and more organized than ever for the past week since I started taking that advice.
Day 36-
I had a crucial conversation today and I’m pretty anxious. It appears that the Board of Directors want to go a different direction and let me go. These are stressful times and the Board is angry about the budget and I’m the one on top to blame. Now, my contract is getting reviewed by legal counsel. I’m sure the Board wants to get out of the contract for cause. This is bullshit!
I’m a wreck…
I still have to go to work tomorrow and act like nothing happened today. This is awful and now I’ll need to get a labor attorney. I don’t know what will happen?
I must rely on God to provide strength and endurance during this difficult time. I will maintain my faith and pray BOLD prayers that me and my family are ok. Please keep me in your thoughts as I navigate these treacherous waters. I’m scared.
, it’s a battle and good journey to win and stay on. Sending you positive energy also 
for me ans u and others so there’s plenty of time to celebrate! Hope ur well lady 
I’m so glad to see you back. Please don’t stay away out of shame. We’re all here for you friend! I do hope you’ll stick around. I’ve missed your regular check ins.
Ive had terrible nightmares my whole life so this was something I was just waiting for, sadly. I spent almost a decade taking Seroquel which messed up my sleep so bad. Basically I have recurring nightmares, but they’re not just recurring. It’s like living a whole entire other life. If I wake up in real life when in my dream it’s noon on Saturday - then the next time I fall asleep and visit this world it will still be noon on Saturday there. I have weekly plans on my calendar there. I have memorized the entire map of the “world” in my dreams. From my “childhood places” (in a fake world …) to regular chain store malls. Bookstores, houses, parks. I’ve lived years there. I have another life, other friends, other places I hang out. Strangers in real life but I see them every time I visit this dream world. 🥲 I’ve read about others experiencing the same thing. Thankfully I quit taking Seroquel but sometimes I still visit that world, and there I am an alcoholic still. It’s so confusing. I took Prazosin to try and rid myself of all dreams but it stopped working. I woke up in a panic thinking I gave it all up!! I’m so glad it was just nightmare me … anyway. Before last night, I was thinking how I noticed I’m not thinking about alcohol nearly as much on this Vivitrol shot! I read about people not thinking about it as much, but thought surely not? I figured it would help physically but mentally I’d be on my own as usual. But it actually is working lol, it’s so wild! Something works on my messed up head!! 
