Way to move forward- I’m proud of you❤️ I believe work provides many benefits. Keep focused.
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Thank you! At the very least a job will give me something to distract myself and keep myself busy with.
…that is fantastic !!! Congratulations on 4 years! and thank you for being such an inspiration and support.
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Evening Check in
Day 81
Pretty tired right now and it’s only 7pm. Feeling pretty burnt out honestly but I have to do a few more things before i can rest. Day was overall okay. I have been having some very weird feelings lately that have to do with using. I’m not worried about using but I am noticing that I’m starting to forget how bad it really was and that desperate feeling of wanting to get clean. I feel so far removed from using, yet it’s not even been 3 months. Idk I need to get this in check. Maybe I have to revisit my old letter to my addiction or something. Or go back to some of my old posts here from when I was struggling. Just feeling sort of like this day needs to end.
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That sounds pretty on target. I relapsed a couple of times around 3 or 4 months, and I am sure one reason was the fading memories of the bad times. I found speaker meetings very useful to keep me grounded. Hearing another person’s low reminded me of my own. Even if the situation was different, the feelings were the same. And I never want to feel like that again.
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Oh really? U experienced this too around 3 months? Okay so at least this isn’t abnormal gor people to feel this way lol but I do have to do something about this. Bcuz my mind is playing tricks. Its been trying hard to bring me down this past week in many diff ways. I’m not wanting to use but I don’t have that same urgency to be on top off my addiction daily. The disgust for my DOC isnt as high as it once was and thay worries me. So at least I am seeing this before anything happened. That’s means that I can get back on track. Stay connected to my HP daily. And as hard as it is, try to go back and really remember what it was like and what I risk losing if I use. Relapse is no joke. Especially when u haven’t done it in awhile, the body isn’t use to that kind of mistreatment and there’s always the potential for something bad happening physically. I’m not risking it. I’m just scared to mess up. I don’t want to use obviously. I need to stay on my toes and stand grounded and in the moment and connected. Thanks for responding. I needed that support hugs
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Day 172 here…
Getting closer to 6 months.
Discovering that the missing piece all along all my on and offs the wagon was the service price that they suggest in NA and AA.
Being part of the solution today and helping women get into Recovery Homes, talking to them as they make the decision to leave a home or family or a rehab and choose a recovery community to have some accountability…taking an active role in their lives like this has been such an honor and has truly helped me stay focused.
I have yet to have a jonz , or a desire or be triggered. Not to use or drink.
However, I am triggered emotionally, often.
I’m discovering that the only thing I can count on is to be disappointed, let down, left behind and forgotten by those who aren’t meant to stay.
If my drive to work in this industry and my clean and sober and consistent lifestyle causes others in my life to fein away then . . So be it.
It hurts , it brings me sorrow and confusion but I can not chase what doesn’t want to stay.
If people care about me and love me then they’ll make the time and efforts I have done for them. Period.
I spent so much time, in my active addiction trying to fit-in and be part of a group of people who weren’t for me. And it taxed my soul.
Today . . . I have a VERY small group of true friends. Friends whom wouldn’t disrespect me by using or spending time to use and get drugs over spending quality time with me.
Today. . . I get to listen to other women who are in a pivotal moment(s) of their lives and speak life and hope into them.
Today . . . I get to be alone with myself and be ok. I don’t run to a bottle or a bag just to stop the pain and angst of current and past trials and failures and pressures.
Today . . . I get to make and hold boundaries and be alright if people don’t respect them.
Today. . . I am proud to be clean and sober and I’ll boast in my weaknesses if it means I’m glorifying THE ONE who set me free.
Amen
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Got one of those emails today which hits me personally because I want to help this company get what they ordered - in our contract - but my company simply doesn’t have it. Meantime I have to scramble to explain and try to help; I also feel a little guilty for not being aware of this shortage earlier. Adding to the frustration is it’s one of the key products in the contract and represents a big portion of what we committed to selling them - so the fact that we don’t have that product or any reasonable / similar-type substitutes, is frankly pretty frustrating. Our whole reason for existing is making these types of products and global supply is making me look like a fool who can’t keep promises we made in our contracts. I’m just the person at the ground level - this whole supply chain thing is above my level - but I’m the one dealing with the fallout with our clients.
The whole situation sucks. I know it’s not my fault - I didn’t cause this and even if I had alerted them to the shortage earlier there would have been nothing I could have done - but still I feel guilty. It doesn’t make sense, but I do.
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Awe that sounds frustrating 
it isn’t ur fault at all but I can see how it would feel like alot of pressure on u hope ur night improves my friend
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Hey Holly.
Welcome to this great clean and sober community.
I hope to see you around.
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Good morning!, Checking in on Saturday morning, perfectly fresh and relaxed.
Saturdays mornings when I was leaving with the booze we’re a nightmare: depression, being unable to leave the bed, hating myself, you know all this stuff I know.
Now life is different, maybe problems and boredom will continue at moments, but I fight against them in a different way.
Being sober is some kind of reincarnation.
Best regards!
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Checking in
860 days free of all mind and mood-altering substances… crazy shit.
My mood is questionable at the moment and living without a substance to alter it hasn’t been easy to navigate. I am not sure if I would call this a “funk” or just a typical case of “Stella’s gone meh”. I am noticing some past behaviors flaring up in a few areas of my life right now and all I can seem to do is watch from the sidelines. So I will just carry on, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I am still working hard on my recovery; I am hooking in with my sponsor, and other women in recovery, going to meetings, reading lit, doing my step work, involved in a book study, and talking to my therapist. I am feeling secure that I won’t pick up, it’s just all the yuckiness inside that comes with being an addict that I am dealing with, that spiritual sickness. I feel like I have emptied myself and now it’s showing. Luckily I know how to fix it. Luckily I have enough self-awareness and humility to say, “I do not have this!” Luckily I am at a place in my life where I can be open and honest with the people around me and not worry about them taking things personally. A couple of friends messaged me a month ago concerned, questioning if I was taking on too much. I assured them I was ok, and I was… then. I have learned that one of the best things I can do for myself and my recovery is to ask other trusted people in recovery “How am I doing?” because they are seeing shit that I will never see. Another great thing to do for myself and my recovery is to take heed to what they say.
Thanks for having my back guys. 
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Coffee. I slept too short. I’m reading this book about sexual abuse and how it affects boys throughout their lives and I can’t put it down. It shakes me to my core.
I always thought that my sexuality, and my sexual and gender identity are uniquely mine. But then I read this book and I see myself described. Almost to the letter. In the book it is called trauma-sexuality. There are different ways it will mess your personal (sexual) development up, mine is mine but still it totally fits within the framework described in the book. I’m lucky and grateful my own personal trauma didn’t take me down the road towards pedosexuality myself.
Still to finally really see and understand how a big part of my being, how I interact with the world, how I see my place in it, has been installed in me by trauma, by the people that did this to me, is a huge shock.
Although deep down I have known this for many years, I’ve never been able or willing to accept and confront it. I feel I might be ready now. Nearly three years into sobriety, and having just finished 18 months of schema therapy. It’s a bit of a disappointment that schema therapy didn’t ‘fix’ me once and for all, but at least I filled my toolbox with new tools, tools that give me the opportunity to work on this as well.
Still a long road to go. As an aside, I find it intriguing how so many traits and characteristics of me that have been used to diagnose me with a Personality Disorder can be traced back to my abuse and my abusers too. Not so sure about the diagnosis now but it did get me into schema therapy so that’s a good thing.
As with all I will take it one day at a time. Sober and clean. As I hope and except from you all. There’s no other way towards a better happier life for all of us. Easier? Hell no. So much better though. It’s a work of love. Have as good a weekend as you all can friends. Love from Luna and me.
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Day 25 
Xbox day the dreams not as bad have a good everyone
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Day 32… Been babysitting my sister dog. Gotta take him home today… gonna miss this little fella
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Congrats ! 
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Wow, that is so tough. Thank you for sharing. The way our brains process trauma is so complex, but hopefully you are in the right place to start processing it. I am so sorry you went through that
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What book is that Menno ?
Congratulations @roses4me Triple digits 
Good morning everyone, hope you all slept well and wake up positive. I have and really excited to start the weekend. Admittedly I am currently under a blanket with a coffee, but that is all part of it 
Every sober Saturday morning wakeup just seems like such a gift. I still can’t quite believe I traded that for the wine all these years.
Hope everyone has a wonderful day.
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