Completely understandable. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had never considered that supporting your club after would be a trigger, but thinking about it, it is totally obvious. So glad it hasn’t spoiled it for you, and you can enjoy it 
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I do understand what it is like to just be hanging on, waiting to be old enough/in the right situation to leave home. It really is hard. But the light is showing at the end of the tunnel. Keep sharing on here ur experiences, if it helps, and keep making plans to get out asap.
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I think it all contributes. Having looked at your profile you have been through so much. I have had some personal trauma, but nothing like you have experienced. I think you have been incredibly strong. Massive congratulations on almost 2 weeks 
Someday I’ll be able to naked garden lolol. I did decide last night to garden. Busy day yesterday actually, I didn’t even check in!!!
Day 21 today. 3 weeks! I feel amazing too. Not drinking has been no issue for the last couple days. No cravings. I’m out of the funk I was in, and still blame pms bc im good now that I’m bleeding lolol. Week before seems to be the gnarly one. Busy busy mothers day weekend. Yesterday I ran some errands, took advantage of a sale at Big Lots, bought a bunch of planting pots, went to a couple other stores, took my kiddo to her dads for the weekend, then went home. Got home and got everything unloaded. Then decided I needed plants to plant in the pots, and I had 3 hours to kill before I took myself to a movie, so I dipped out to home depot for some dirt therapy. I just suddenly made my backyard look like I actually live in the house I’ve been loving in for going on 3 years lolol. It was just pool and patio. Now it’s a space that feels inviting. Bunch of new flowers, and it only took me about 2 hours from shop to done planting. I have some more work to do on it later today when it cools down. Something to focus on. For now I’ll just enjoy this mani pedi while my car gets a good detail, gotta get all that husky hair outta there lol. This weekend I’m focusing on just me. Yes I have a guy and kids at home, and I’m sure they will help me feel a little special tomorrow… but I decided it’s up to me to guarantee how I feel, so im taking care of me, bc me deserves it. Besides… not buying booze, I can afford to spend my whiskey money on plants and pretty toes 
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Day 203
Day 7.8 No Caffeine
I was offered overtime today, but got busy with the fam. I could’ve used the extra cash. It’s all good tho, gotta make time for the kiddos. Spending my day at the in-laws celebrating mother’s day early.
It’s fight night. Canelo vs Bivol. Usually I would get super hammered during these boxing matches, but those days are over.
I hope everyone has a great mother’s day weekend! Take care everyone!
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Day 27
Going to sleep now in a bit
Left the house a couple of hours and hoping I can start doing things around weekends that don’t involve being secluded at home.
Don’t want to get my hopes up for tomorrow yet I wish I can make it out again.
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Sounds good. I want that too. Just lots of flowers and plants. So nice. Brightens up the whole room. Soon I will start with it for indoor and outdoor use. I have already planned some flower seeds recently. Now I’m going to bed. I have a sleep shift so with a bit of luck I can earn money while i’m sleeping but I can also be unlucky and receive calls. We will see 
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I dont have any room inside lol, front patio has room for a couple more. The backyard needed all the love. And since we are hosting mothers day brunch tomorrow I figured I could use this sober energy I have to spruce up the joint!
Goodnight!!
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Beautiful weekend weather here in Michigan! Geez….finally, got to see the Sun. Spent some time with my sweetheart doing errands and I took her out to lunch - Poké Bowl!
I’m feeling great!
We watched another episode of Ozark on Netflix and then I took a nap.
Staying strong and moving the mission forward!
On the turntable ~
Roy Ayers - “Virgo Vibes” (Great Vibraphonist)
Reissue 2021
Nature Sound Records
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Do I recall you saying you’re going to Indian Rocks beach @Charlie_C? It’s beautiful there. We used to own a condo in Indian Rocks on the intercoastal side years ago. That place holds a very special place in my heart and great memories too. Now I’m wishing we never sold. Anyway I’m sure you’ll have a great time. Enjoy! 
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Woooohoooo Dbl digits!!
Those first 10 days were my hardest days… Big kudos to you for making it through!!!
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Lost my days. Idk.
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Evening Check in
Day 82
Having a good evening overall. Its nice to come home and make supper, tidy up, and wind down for bed. Practicing more gratitude lately. Normally I get agitated after work with all the things I have to do once I get home and unfortunately take it all out on hubby. But honestly I’m grateful for having a roof over my head and dishes to actually wash and half decent food to eat. Life isn’t so bad when u really look at what u have. Hope u all are having a good day/evening! Will catch up on my reading soon. Hugs TS fam!
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This sounds like a horrible situation and I can really, really feel your level of angst inside.
This would be something good to talk to your therapist about. There are a lot of crisis survival skills taught in DBT to help detour us from using self abusive behaviors to deal with emotions. I know this isn’t your first rodeo, but something that I have learned is that NONE of my skills are available when I am in crisis unless I have practiced them like a mofo while I was calm.
When things like this happen to me and I am raging, two of the best ways for me to self regulate are to mindfully run my fingers through my dogs fur and do the 5 senses mindfulness practice. Anger used to be a huge trigger for me, I always redirected it on myself.
In a hostile environment like that, I can not look at the person who is being abusive or I will end up physically attacking them. If I can not leave the situation I have been taught to look somewhere else in the room, a shelf, out a window, anywhere… just focus on something else until I can leave safely.
I feel terrible that your family makes you feel this way. Sending lots of love your way.
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Day 38
Almost done being sick with this cold thing I got from my husband
Didn’t workout last time I said I would
Bought an iced coffee today
Still meditating and journaling daily
Sort of consistent, sort of not lately.
There’s a lot of hardwired half routines and bad habits I’m trying to get into line. It’s like untangling a big ball of old cords and controllers or some such. I have to be present AND patient, I am trying.
Here’s pictures of the Kenai River by a park we frequent, from a few days ago, just bc
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Checking in…
I woke up this morning at 3 am coughing my ass off and thankfully tested negative to COVID. Aside from a reduced lack of energy and mild fever I had an amazing day. I spent it alone… ugh it was so needed! The day and how it has made me feel has been a very stark reminder that I need to create some boundaries in this new relationship. I believe that there has become a sort of expectation that I will be available 7 days a week. Granted I enjoy said persons company but I also enjoy my own.
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Thank you what you said about having tools makes a lot of sense. The second I’m in crisis everything goes out the window. I’ll definitely talk to my therapist and work on learning my tools while calm as well
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594- Somedays it would be nice just to flip the switch and turn off for a bit, like the old days and the old ways.
If I thought for one minute I could get away with one drink or drug and leave it there then I would but that ship has sailed long ago. When I say one I already mean one day and it never stops there. Never has never will.
Just gonna have to ride this one out like a ‘NORMAL’ person.
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What do you do when you feel like this? I often wonder how do people “escape” without it being an addiction to something? I never have understood what “normies” do to flip the switch off for a bit. Or do they do anything? Idk lol
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You’re doing great!!! Congratulations:tada:
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