Thank you @DLS for your direct support. I needed to hear your words.
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Put your sobriety first, do whatever it takes. Just my 2 cents. I wish you well
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Check in for day 331. Just had some strawberry rhubarb pie with vanilla ice cream. It was amazing. Happy Mothers day to all you wonderful sober moms out there. You are awesome.
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Thank you Dan for your words of encouragement. Much appreciated. I MUST make sobriety my main priority or Iāll lose it all.
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I am not checking my timer as much and i suspect thats normal
Day in, day out, still depressed. This is why i would start using again. Being sober doesnt feel better for me. I dont have improved executive function. I feel worse about my life. I know using again will just mean hell but it was tempting to see the drinks in the fridge. Theres a lot of booze in the house! But it doesnt feel inevitable.
Made an ugly painting. Out of paper. Watching a tv show that is depressing.
Dont see a future for myself that feels worth it.
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I do understand this and the reservation about rehab. Itās scary in a number of ways. I was told a long, long time agoā¦ if you dont have recovery first and foremost in your life, you will have nothing. Addiction will take everything from us hands down. This is just my opinion (and u can totally disgreard this if you want lol), but I just feel like if you donāt have recovery in your life, you most likely wont get all the things u want in life. Like the job, and the better relationship and the better quality of lifeā¦ those things may never come to u bcuz alcohol rips us of EVERYTHING. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow but it always, always does. I know itās scary going away for 10 days, but that could be life saving for u and ur relationship and any future job u may have.
Is there anything else holding you back from going to rehab beside looking for work? I know for me when I would go to treatment, there were many things that scared me. Scared of the unknown, scared of how Iām going to cope now without drugs, scared about who I will be. But I often made excuses for why I couldnāt go like work or money or events etc. Something else always was stopping me. It wasnāt until I really looked at the fear that was behind it, that it made me realize that I needed to go. I care about u and ur quality of life and I hate to see u hurting.
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Iāll probably move into a small apartment here at first but eventually I plan to move out of state for sure. I want to start over somewhere fresh
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Day 68 of no self harm.
Yesterday was really really bad, but I got through it. I ended up crying for an hour so but I was on the phone with my best friend and just having that company made me know I was safe. Had a massive headache after but I felt much better.
I suppose it is just the anger, but yesterday I stopped trying to have this perfect mask on. I know that taking that mask down really is just me having attitude and talking back to people, but Iāve never done that before. I know I was rude to my mom and my aunt, but I was only giving the same energy back that they gave me. I think they may have started to see that Iām not a kid anymore and they canāt control everything I do. And Iām not going to let them control everything I do. Iāve come to the conclusion lately that even if I do what my family wants, they are still angry with me. So Iām going to do what I want from here on out. Iām sick of torturing myself trying to please them when there simply is no pleasing them. Itās really scary trying to take control of my life considering the punishments I received as a kid for not following my familyās guidelines. But Iām gonna be 20. I still donāt have much authority over my life right now, but Iām going to take that authority back. If someone gets physical, Iām out of there. Iām going to start carrying my pepper spray everywhere though just to be safe. I doubt anyone will get physical, but I wonāt risk it.
Something positive: I finally washed my bedsheets and so I took a nap while the sheets were warm out the dryer. Was very relaxing. Also Iād say the taking my life back is pretty positive.
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So glad you could make it through today. Iām sorry about your family situation, and I hope that you can regain some control over your life. You can try to always live your life to make others happy/pleased with you, but it will not bring you happiness or pleasure. Always live your most authentic self and donāt let anyone feel lesser for putting yourself and your needs first.
Hang in there. I experienced SH when I was younger, and I promise that you will get through this 
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Thank you 
congratulations, who would have thought it one year ago today you found the strength to finally do it. Its a bloody miracle this sobriety thing 
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Its been a while since my last check inā¦im at 127 days sober and 907 days substance free!! Life has been super busy and its not going to stop anytime soon, and to be honestā¦im having the time of my life!! Although summer is almost here and the temptation due to it being patio season is strong. We got this everyone!! Stay safe, strong and be your own hero! Show the world out there what we are made of!
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Yes using again will just make it worse but I know itās difficult when your feeling depressed. I really believe you can get through this. If youāve already said this Iām sorry for missing it but have you talked to your doctor about different medication? It does sound like youāre really struggling right now.
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1066
Coffee. Last workweek with my current employer begins. Happy about that. I mailed with my therapist and sheās going to try and help me get into some treatment centre that specializes in treating early trauma. Glad about it and her help, although it would be nice to be done with therapy too.
Well, alas I am not. The journey continues. One day at a time. Itās all we can do to keep our heads above water. We work our sobrieties and we work our lives. Itās hard work. But so worth it. Have as good a week as you all can friends. Sober and clean or nothing will come of it. Love from my little square.
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Iām sorry about your mom. Motherās Day can be tough for many of us. Glad that your son at least texted you and Iām glad that you can try to find the gratefulness in that. Sometimes itās hard not to wish for more. Itās important to focus on the good. Iām starting to feel better and tried to do some nice things for myself today. Congrats on day 11!
Good morning! Starting new week sober and happy.
Too much work to do, but it is only a circumstance. Main problem is giving up the booze, and I am fixing it.
Letās enjoy sobriety. Happy twenty four hours!
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