@apes2020! Great to see you! Luca is just gorgeous!
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Meeting went good, seems very nice. Was very honest and open and set some goals and working towards my mental health, set up for help with possible housing or a goals towards getting on my own. But the lady was nice and seems helpful only thing I didnāt like was she said you got this. I donāt really got shit, but I do want this I want to be sober and be better but anyways out for a bike ride now much love
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I donāt like that saying eitherā¦
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Yes. Well Iāve been to this councler before many many years ago and I didnāt like her then, but I think that was bc I wasnāt ready to be honest. She seemed nicer and different this time which is to be expected were always changing. They donāt say relapse there now, they call it a reoccurrence, and they donāt call it addiction they say substance use disorder. But anyways Iām willing to go with the flow and accept whatever I have to. Messaged my sponsor and hitting a meeting with him tonight
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Iām so happy to hear all this, honesty really is everythingā¦in all things! Im honest to a fault; sometimes I just say nothing, lol
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I went to the ER but they said that it was probably best for me to be at home so I can be with my support system. I got a 30 day prescription for hydroxyzine (basically benedryl) to help with the initial anxiety attacks that seem to come each morning.
I also got a referral for some outpatient programs, and am waiting to hear back from a psychiatrist who just took my intake paperwork last week.
I think that this is the right choice, and Iām hoping that my contacting mental health providers will lead to a plan to kick this. Thank you for your kind words earlier.
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Checking in at day 252.
Iām waiting for the night shift to come, then Iām done with my shift and I can go home.
All the time I think about the conversation I had with my sponsor. About the fact that Iāve been clean for so long but apparently not really in recovery yet. Iām basically doing the same thing I always do after a relapse and a period of sobriety, just get on with my normal life and donāt look back. Except that this time I have taken extra measures such as moving and because of the moving my old contacts no longer come my way. It
is waiting for it to go wrong again. I learned from my sponsor that you have to bring the ugly things of your past into the light. I now leave them in the dark and often put them there as quickly as possible. Of course you need someone you trust. I realize that I always wanted to do everything alone and during conversations with my psychologist I only talk about the things that possibly bothered me at the time. But thereās so much, a whole cesspool that Iād rather keep closed. But apparently recovery also consists of looking at that cesspool. By talking about it and putting it into the light there could be a chance that they will resolve. I must try this way of recovering/living because what is there to lose. How nice would it be if you could take 1 thing out of that cesspool with someone you trust until it is completely empty. Then a burden must be lifted off your shoulders, right 
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Simply said I became addicted because my life without booze and drugs was unbearable. Not the other way around. I tried to escape from my unliveable life by using and drinking. Tried to make my life liveable that way.
Of course in the long run it did not work. Quite the opposite. Now I am sober and clean. I have the possibility to make something of my life. To make my life liveable. To make it bearable. To make it good and fun even. But that takes a shitload of work. To do the steps right is a shitload of work. I decided I needed psychotherapy which is a shitload of work. And only part of the work that has to be done.
My life was unliveable and unbearable when I started using. Using didnāt solve a thing. So now Iām working my ass of to actually have a good life. I think itās all we can do Ilona. All of us. Work our asses of by whatever means we have. ODAAT. Youāre doing it. Hugs.
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Thank you SO much! This really makes me happy. I am grateful that ur on this journey with me 
I always have learned alot from you hugs
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Iām glad you looked into it. Do you have a support system at home? I hope the medication helps with the anxiety and that somebody contacts you soon to discuss other treatments if needed. Keep reaching out here when you need to.
Opening Pandoraās box can be scary, I totally agree.
But I also agree to this:
And for that, it doesnāt even have to be empty yet. Just opening it and starting to clean is allready lifting a burden.
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Oh one other thing I remember reading is that tea (even some herbal teas) can inhibit iron absorption.
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Checking in- 42 days. Sleep is so all over the place, which makes me an actual teary baby, haha.
Wish me luck, heading out early before work.
Stay awesome everyone 
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Looking into those very dark places that we have kept closed for a long time doesnāt always happen right away, or all at once. I think the first step is to become willing just like it is for everything else. I also am a master of turning a key on a door and walking away. I was terrified when I started my first set of steps. Like you I had a big pile of boxes that had been packed away for years in my mind. At 32 yrs old I had walked away from a very fast lifestyle, gotten clean, had a baby and not dealt with the 19 yearsof chaos and trauma I had endured. When I came into recovery 2.5 years ago at 46 I had created a completely new story of chaos and trauma that needed to be dealt with. The mere thought of unpacking everything made me want to say fuck it and run, but I knew the value in what I was about to do. First I just became willing and my sponsor reminded me not to dig; she said whatever comes up, comes up. Now I am on a second set of steps, I was so excited to start them because the relief I had gotten from completing the first was amazing. I knew not everything had surfaced when I had done my first set and was eager to dive deeper. That weight you mentioned is real, I can feel it. The whole world seems brighter and lighter. Itās damn hard work like Menno says, looking at my life, and who I have been. Itās damn fulfilling work though I can assure you. Worth every anxious feeling, every tear, and every hand cramp from writing.
I hope you are able to start to break open piece by piece. This is a journey, itās a beautiful journey. Learning who we are as we go along is such a blessing.
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Checking in sober on day 395 and no marijuana day 198. Slowly and steady mending my mind from mind altering substancesā¦ Iām steady finding peace.
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I do have support at home. My partner is one of the most patient and supportive people Iāve ever met, and has been my absolute rock these past four days.
I have more support in my parents, my partners parents, and quite a few of my friends just a text or call away. And thatās before even mentioning all of the encouragement and support Iāve received in this app alone.
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- This week is torture but Iām not drinking
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Thatās great to hear! You can totally do this 
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Thank you you are absolutely right. Even that would give relief so thatās something to start with 
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Thank you Menno, that means a lot to me. You are right in my case life with use was also unbearable and I was desperate. The clinic has ensured that I could come to myself in a safe environment. Then real life in the outside world began. At first I struggled with paranoid feelings for a while but that faded until I wanted to commit myself to a cause again so I started working. But I soon sunk into working so I donāt have to worry about myself (I think). Thatās not the way. I now want to do it well and work on my recovery every day through a piece of the steps. Itās just a challenge to have to put my work aside.
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