Thank you very much for your response. You worded it so beautifully and I can totally relate to it. The strange thing about me that I sometimes experience is that I find it difficult to connect with myself. Like I do most of the time during my
weekly conversations I always say I think it’s going well. And I really think it’s going well. And from my past I said that too and 2 days after such a conversation I called and said, I didn’t say a few things and now it’s a chaos in my head and I’ve relapsed. At the time I really didn’t know that something was bothering me. Pfff there is still a lot of work to be done. But exactly what you say what comes that comes don’t want to dig too much.
And I want to work hard on my recovery. I was already motivated but you guys motivated me extra @Its_me_Stella @Mno @Fargesia
Just quickly checking in before bed. Should’ve gone to ‘after clinic care’ but trains got delayed for 4 hours so went home. Spent the day behind my screen doing nothing productive. Played my chessmatch this evening and won, but I’m not satisfied with the game. Tomorrow I’ve work. I’m going to spent less time on my pc, and trying to be clean from all my addictions again starting tomorrow.
Good night everyone
So Saturday I made this friend in VR. We joked together for a while and ended up hanging out last night for about 6 hours. Ended up getting to know each other really well and discovered we both have a similar messed up past. He’s great.
He has gone through a much worse situation than I have. And yet somehow at 18 he has a steady job, managed to get sober and has been for 2 years, is happy, is in flight school, and is a music producer. He is so awesome at everything. Which is great, I’m happy for him.
Unfortunately, him being so awesome has made me feel like even more of a failure than I already do typically. I haven’t told him this obviously. I probably never will. I just hate that I can’t fully enjoy hanging out with him because in the back of my mind I’m just hating myself.
I’m going to try to change that mindset. I know it’s not healthy and there’s really no reason to compare myself to him. We’ve all had different lives and ended up in different situations. It’s just the way things are.
My gf hasn’t been really talking to me. I told her I’m sorry that I’ve been quiet, and I asked her if she’s okay. I love her to death but we both don’t know what dating really is considered we both have always thought we’ll be alone forever. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m just a mess lately. I love her, but unfortunately a lot of the time she’s not on my mind because I’m really struggling to just keep going. I know I’ve been trying to be positive but I’ve been a mess and I’ve been isolating myself from eberyone. I am just not doing well despite my mindset change
Something positive: I’ve really clicked with this friend. And I definitely think I’ve made a friend for life
Update: just went to check on my gf one last time amd discovered that she blocked me. I don’t know why. Our last interaction was fine, we were making plans to do a puzzle online. No way to get in touch with her. Not sure if I should be more angry or more worried.
9.5 days without alcohol or weed. Feeling good. Thankful for tea and sparkling water. Im tired of being unemployed. Its been 2.5 months already i have a few leads. I hate the waiting but its better than rejection. I am cautiously hopeful.
Evening Check In Day 85
Today was fairly good. I accomplished alot of things and was busy. Started tiring out mid afternoon. I have been drinking alot of caffeine lately. My tolerance has sure increased foe the amount of drink. Some days I feel like I need more than others. I don’t see it as a problem at the moment. It doesn’t effect me negatively in any way but I do see the amount of caffeine drink increasing. So idk… Something to keep an eye on I guess.
Muscles are sore and I feel like I will get a good rest tonight. Plans are for the gym tmrw too. I just want to get in the habit of getting my workout gear on and down to the gym. Build that habit up. Even if I’m too sore to do certain exercise.
Hubby comes up to me today and says do u know what Friday is? He said it was our 5 months clean lol ummm… no its not lol we will be 3 months in like 5 days but he definitly was missing a few “calls” that we made in the beginning. I was very adamant about tracking my recovery so I feel like I am correct on my date. But it’s nice to know that he was sort of keeping track I guess on his own. OR… since Friday is payday for him, he was hinting at using in a round about way (as in… “its been awhile so maybe we could” type of thinking). I’m either very paranoid of people’s motivates for why they do and say what they do and say, or I just plainly think too much. Anyway, I’m very grateful for my recovery I am not messing this up. I’m not wasting another 22 years of my life struggling with this and trying to find inner peace and happiness. I’ve come so far already and I’m truly happy with where things are going now. Hugs TS fam! Hope everyone is doing well.
1067
Coffee. Didn’t sleep great but better than the nights before. Might have something to do with the fact it’s my weekend. Three days left at my current job. Dinner with my colleagues tomorrow. It wasn’t planned as my farewell party but it will be nonetheless. Going to enjoy it. Sober and clean.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober or nothing will come of it. Love from my balcony where The laurel’s doing great.
Hey
If you like reading, or listening to audible, there is a great book called four thousand weeks by Oliver burkeman. It’s all about how to give yp the idea that you really will one day be able to be on top of your workload if you could just find the right strategy. That idea is nonsense, impossible, especially if you have a demanding job because the reality is that the demands on you are infinite but your ability to meet those demands are finite. Its about how to change your relationship with time. I found it really helpful as i was always stressed with a demanding job too that even sober I couldn’t ever seem to keep on top of. Anyway, just an idea. Good luck!
And congratulations for you too Mitch with the months milestone Milestones always gives me mixed emotions so I understand how you feel.
Hope you feel a bit better today @mactune
And if not I’m glad you concider to ask for help.
Thank you @RosaCanDo for thinking about me. Less then a week now before surgery
Happy but also becoming a bit anxious now, but that’s normal I guess.
Milestones are tricky days, at least for me @Eddieroots In the beginning of my recovery I relapsed 3 times around day 90. It helped me to be extra carefull around milestones and be here much.
Almost thru day 24 alcohol free. I feel pretty good. No temptations.
I admitted my addiction to best friends and boyfriend. Didnt realize that I didn’t share my realization and sober journey with my mom until I was about 2 weeks in, and then finally shared with her at 3 weeks. The significance is that my mom is also in recovery for alcohol. Both my parents are alcoholics. Dad is high functioning, we run a business together, he drinks beers everynight until hes had enough and goes to bed… Mom can barely function with alcohol, and her life has been a non stop shit show for my whole life… and my use is a combination therein. Highly functioning, but not well, queen of half ass with the occassional whole ass involved… Parents are divorced since I was 10. Im 37 now.
Almost 3 years ago, my sister and I had an intervention type moment with our mom. We wrote her a letter and read it to her about how all the times her addiction has caused issues in our lives. It was instigated by her own admission of her problem and she attempted to quit on her own, no program. She failed 3 times within a matter of months, so we pretty much told her how awful she was, picked her ass up off the floor and took her to the hospital. From there my sister went home, I stayed until she was sober enough to be discharged into a detox facility, which I took her too from the ER. From there she went to rehab, and was there for about 4 months, then moved into sober living. She was THRIVING!! She had been sober ever since until recently. Life had its way with her once again and she couldn’t handle it. She had moved out of state, away from her support bc she thought she was ready to start fresh somewhere shes always wantednto live. She didn’t align support where she was going. And she failed. She admitted to me that she failed, but only when I asked. And she’s continued to fail and start over for the last year. We talked yesterday, she’s been avoiding me, it’s how I knew to ask. But we had a good talk about her sobriety. She is in a better place now and is going to find an AA group tomorrow. Hopefully…
I’m not sure why it didn’t even cross my mind to share this with my mom from the get go… wondering if its because I didn’t want her to feel guilty for yet another thing she didn’t do right? Do I feel like me being sober is rubbing it in her face that she is losing the battle these days? Am I ashamed, bc I made her feel bad about her choices while I was headed down the same path? It’s something to bring up in therapy for sure… I have to sit on this one for awhile and see what feelings come up.
I always knew I was predestined for addiction. Always thought that since I wasn’t doing hard drugs (both parents sober from those for over 20 years, that sober stuck) that It wasn’t that bad, in fact I avoided hard drugs my whole life bc of that fear of addiction. Alcohol was an easy one to slip into. It’s just about everywhere you go. It’s in just about every show or movie I watch. Commercials. Billboards. And she woos you with a false sense of security every time until you come to rely on it so much that the rest of your life falls away. And shes all you have left. Luckily, I stopped before it got to a world ending level of addiction… but its world changing to realize the problem… and sometimes overwhelming knowing that this is something that I will never stop working for. It may get easier as the day tally gets higher. But it’s always going to be there. Lots of food for thought for me tonight.
Sorry so long… train of thought turned into thought vomit. Goodnight all
It’s insane how I can have people care for me and spend entire days with me, but the second I have time to think I convince myself I’m alone. And of course I can’t say that to my loved ones because obviously I’m not alone.
It feels like nothing is ever enough. I want something to change but when it does the change doesn’t feel good. I don’t know that my brain is capable of experiencing healthy emotions and happiness. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t want to die. It’s so hard to keep a positive attitude when over nearly 20 years things have only ever continued to go downhill. Sometimes I think I’m the problem. I just feel like there’s no helping me. I went from having a good day to wishing that I won’t wake up tomorrow. Everything just feels so bad the second I’m alone. But I can’t expect to always have company. Even if I did, that would be draining. It feels like there’s no solutions. I’m still unhappy even when things are solved.
I just needed to put these feelings into words. I know if I said this to my friend he’d tell me I can’t entertain these thoughts because then I’ll never improve. I’m not sure that he understands that I don’t know how to feel any other way. I’m trying to change my attitude, but I have to get these kinds of feelings out of my system. The whole reason I started self harming was because I didn’t know how to get those feelings out. He’s great and all, there’s just some things we have to agree to disagree on
Covid iso, the thought of alcohol is definitely not appealing and even though I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus im also glad to be in this situation.
Home for 7 days so I can gather my thoughts etc.
unfortunately my young one is also unwell but im happy he is with me and I have energy to care for him.
At work now, this will be an easy day. Just hard work and no temptations or cravings till the evening. Feeling grateful for my job, family and improved health.
Have u talked to ur dr about these feelings? Have u considered medication? To a certain extent, we are all alone, we can share our life with others, but our life is uniquely ours.
Evening Check In 
I am not messing this up. I’m not wasting another 22 years of my life struggling with this and trying to find inner peace and happiness. I’ve come so far already and I’m truly happy with where things are going now. Hugs TS fam! Hope everyone is doing well.
months milestone 
Milestones always gives me mixed emotions so I understand how you feel.