So, checking into another day…
Maybe I should revive seeing my psychologist, or try a different one(?) I don’t quite know yet… All I know is I’m mentally sick and struggling, and need fixing. I need love. And commitment, somehow out of nothing. My youth was traumatic and I still feel the scarring effects of it all now (at 24). It takes so much strength and conscious mindfulness to stay ontop of myself…
I feel like an inadequate lost cause! Always anxiety through the roof. The only fucking reason I relapse anymore is out of self-loathing and defeatism! I feel so behind in everything positive in life… So miserable and miswired. Broken… My whole spirit is fucking broken! I barely care anymore. In the last few years, my compulsive dependencies might have improved, but a certain spark seems to have died in the process. I can’t be subconscious anymore. I used to live a dual life: part distraction dependency/part freedom - but always fucking extreme and subconscious! And now that negative excess is being challenged, so too is my positivity. My mind is ALWAYS elsewhere! I just can’t seem to relax and enjoy the moment… And I mean almost 24/7. That stems from the fact that it took 100% awareness to begin rewiring my miswired brain and all it’s subconscious, compulsive dependencies dating back to my abused childhood. And now I ironically think too bloody much. Maybe I’m wrong and it’s just the effects of anxiety or isolation proving difficult…
I relapse because I have no life. I mean I struggle just to feel happy and take care of myself. And it feels like taking on the world to change that. But I fucking want to, have, can and will if it’s the last of me!
It’s hard to explain, I’m so sorry if this is negative-vibe provoking.
I am clean since the 4th of may again (so 8-9 days ago where I am), so may the fourth be with me once and for all It’s also unexpectedly my formerly abusive father’s b-day, so maybe a symbolic ending what started. Anyways, my mind’s been wandering and telling me I’m useless, hopeless, pathetic, undeserving, inadequate, sick and defeated - can you believe that shit? As if that’s me and ALL I fucking am?! As if defeatist addiction distraction with a depressed whimper and lost soul is all I have left…
How long will it take to rewire my mind and rise & shine? I know I’ll never be the same after everything I’ve been through. Maybe that’s an opportunity too for sure… Now that I’m conscious of my life, do I want ignorant ‘bliss’? Because it’s not fucking bliss - it’s been hell. There’s no pill more painfull to swallow than letting myself down and not being in control…
I’m sick of my mind’s bullshit! All it’s self-sabotaging obsessions… And rewiring isn’t easy alone (which isn’t easy to change with anxiety either). Eh…
Anyway, I’m trying to heal my wounds and catch up on my life one step and day at a time… Every little thing in life is what counts, so if writing down some of my thoughts helps, awesome!
I’m starting studying in less than 2 months, and been struggling to keep my head up. Even just to be myself. It’s easy to escape my problems in my room browsing my phone… Don’t have to face the bad or good… Fuck that shit! I know quitting means starting small and making progress one step at a time, so I shouldn’t over-judge, and rewiring a scarred mind takes above and beyond love, patience and commitment. Strength comes from exposure and experience - not out of thin air on command.
So… Where is all this leading? I have no bloody clue I am trying is all that’s arguably worth anything in my depressed life right now, and willpower moves mountains! Hell, I’ve come SO unimaginably bloody far to get to where I am - even considering conscious sobriety and rewiring, my god! Here I effing am.
Good look fam, don’t let despair, fear or deceit define you or steal your future. That’s not what we’re here for… Stay strong, and I hope one day we’ll both be grateful for trying harder today… I only want what’s best for me! I wouldn’t write this much if I didn’t care deep down. I need my help. And any help I can find to give myself a chance to pop my silly bubble stopping me from shining.
Enjoy your day!