Checking in daily to maintain focus #42

[1in8billion]

So, checking into another day…

Maybe I should revive seeing my psychologist, or try a different one(?) I don’t quite know yet… All I know is I’m mentally sick and struggling, and need fixing. I need love. And commitment, somehow out of nothing. My youth was traumatic and I still feel the scarring effects of it all now (at 24). It takes so much strength and conscious mindfulness to stay ontop of myself…

I feel like an inadequate lost cause! Always anxiety through the roof. The only fucking reason I relapse anymore is out of self-loathing and defeatism! I feel so behind in everything positive in life… So miserable and miswired. Broken… My whole spirit is fucking broken! I barely care anymore. In the last few years, my compulsive dependencies might have improved, but a certain spark seems to have died in the process. I can’t be subconscious anymore. I used to live a dual life: part distraction dependency/part freedom - but always fucking extreme and subconscious! And now that negative excess is being challenged, so too is my positivity. My mind is ALWAYS elsewhere! I just can’t seem to relax and enjoy the moment… And I mean almost 24/7. That stems from the fact that it took 100% awareness to begin rewiring my miswired brain and all it’s subconscious, compulsive dependencies dating back to my abused childhood. And now I ironically think too bloody much. Maybe I’m wrong and it’s just the effects of anxiety or isolation proving difficult…

I relapse because I have no life. I mean I struggle just to feel happy and take care of myself. And it feels like taking on the world to change that. But I fucking want to, have, can and will if it’s the last of me!

It’s hard to explain, I’m so sorry if this is negative-vibe provoking.

I am clean since the 4th of may again (so 8-9 days ago where I am), so may the fourth be with me once and for all It’s also unexpectedly my formerly abusive father’s b-day, so maybe a symbolic ending what started. Anyways, my mind’s been wandering and telling me I’m useless, hopeless, pathetic, undeserving, inadequate, sick and defeated - can you believe that shit? As if that’s me and ALL I fucking am?! As if defeatist addiction distraction with a depressed whimper and lost soul is all I have left…

How long will it take to rewire my mind and rise & shine? I know I’ll never be the same after everything I’ve been through. Maybe that’s an opportunity too for sure… Now that I’m conscious of my life, do I want ignorant ‘bliss’? Because it’s not fucking bliss - it’s been hell. There’s no pill more painfull to swallow than letting myself down and not being in control…

I’m sick of my mind’s bullshit! All it’s self-sabotaging obsessions… And rewiring isn’t easy alone (which isn’t easy to change with anxiety either). Eh…

Anyway, I’m trying to heal my wounds and catch up on my life one step and day at a time… Every little thing in life is what counts, so if writing down some of my thoughts helps, awesome!

I’m starting studying in less than 2 months, and been struggling to keep my head up. Even just to be myself. It’s easy to escape my problems in my room browsing my phone… Don’t have to face the bad or good… Fuck that shit! I know quitting means starting small and making progress one step at a time, so I shouldn’t over-judge, and rewiring a scarred mind takes above and beyond love, patience and commitment. Strength comes from exposure and experience - not out of thin air on command.

So… Where is all this leading? I have no bloody clue I am trying is all that’s arguably worth anything in my depressed life right now, and willpower moves mountains! Hell, I’ve come SO unimaginably bloody far to get to where I am - even considering conscious sobriety and rewiring, my god! Here I effing am.

Good look fam, don’t let despair, fear or deceit define you or steal your future. That’s not what we’re here for… Stay strong, and I hope one day we’ll both be grateful for trying harder today… I only want what’s best for me! I wouldn’t write this much if I didn’t care deep down. I need my help. And any help I can find to give myself a chance to pop my silly bubble stopping me from shining.

Enjoy your day!

[Fargesia]

@1in8billion

willpower moves mountains

No it doesn’t.
Acceptance does

[1in8billion]

I won’t accept failure buddy - myself yes, my past yes, the world yes, but not a miswired present or future mindset… Fuck that.

[anon9289869]

@Fargesia

Maybe steps like this are too big and too fast for me, but by not taking steps we never get where we want to be.

And I know where I want to be. Authentically me.

This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing! Very inspiring to see you pursuing something even though it scares you.

[Rockstar24777]

Fucking proud of you @michaeljlogan74!!!

[Rockstar24777]

Bro that’s a lot to walk through and though I don’t have the right words to say or advice to say I want you to know that you’re heard and seen and you’re not alone. Please keep sharing with us it can help to take the power out of those difficult and strong emotions. Proud of you for opening up and I’m proud of you for your 8+ days man, keep going bro you’re doing it!!!

[LaDyLooNtje]

How wonderful of you!
I think you took the right step. Committing yourself to something that you stand for or that you want to see change in is a very good thing.
You can be proud that your name is written there

[LaDyLooNtje]

Have you told your psychologist everything you just shared here? Because it’s so much and I don’t think you’re overseeing it all yet. Maybe you see it though but from the negative perspective. And that overshadows what you should and want to be sober for. Of course you have also been through a lot. You can always share your feelings but seek help and maybe medication. I hope you get better soon

[anon53116147]

Day 9. Hopped on the treadmill for a little today, I feel good I feel grateful, just really wanting to be healthy happy. The trick is catching this little pink cloud I’m on once it falls bc I know it’s not going to last. But I’m gonna soak it up for now. Girls are here today probably go for a nice bike ride. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed day much love

[Eddieroots]

Thank you @Rockstar24777 I really needed to hear that.
I love this community
Many thanks.

[Rockstar24777]

Of course bro keep it up!

[1in8billion]

Cheers man, much appreciated! I barely know what to tell or think myself sometimes haha, I’m a bit of a rollercoaster. Even now there’s a small temptation to delete my exposing post… Was it too long, too exposing, not in the right thread…? But they’re all irrational fears. I don’t want to hide in an existence worth exploring, not trying is scarier than trying. I’m so glad you’re here mate, you’re a rock and a star!

If I only posted when I was feeling up, I wouldn’t be doing myself justice… And I need it more when I’m feeling rough to be fair.

Respect for reading through btw! We are doing it my friend!

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Yay!!! Those is sooo exciting! Really proud of you and excited for you!

[Jambo]

Daily check in and got a nice little badge to go with it

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Way to go Jambo!!! 1 week is amazing work!

[Its_me_Stella]

I lived in my head for years and years. No amount of therapy nor medication helped that, the only relief I have found is through meditation. It was so damn hard at the beginning and I have quit trying so many times because I thought I would never be able to silence the fucking demonic chatter that is my mind. That same one that you have, that told me I was useless, always causing me to self-sabotage. I finally decided to try again but this time I set myself up for success. I did not expect myself to sit in 20 mins of silence immediately, I started with just 5 breaths and built up from there. Now, because I have found inner silence I can listen to my heart, that is my wisdom that is where my spirit lives. I can finally hear her voice after it was drowned out by the overbearing noise of my mind for my whole life. Maybe you can do this too, it sounds like you know very well your thoughts are bullshit, so maybe it’s time to give your wisdom a chance to build its voice.

[1in8billion]

Thanks for your response! I haven’t actually seen my psychologist in several weeks now, had even avoided this app for a while… There was a time only a few weeks ago when I felt ontop of everything after 2+ months clean, and I asked my psychologist to change the weekly sessions to fortnightly ones as I felt unsure what much else there was to do or say when I felt ok… A week later I relapsed by letting my guard down, and my motivation’s been struggling since. Haven’t gotten back to my psychologist either… I suppose that’s the next step.

This community is sometimes all I’ve got on an actually daily basis, so sometimes my feeling sharing is actually just my way of asking for help… Which it usually somehow does…

[LaDyLooNtje]

ahh that’s nice. Good to hear that the responses to your posts are helping you. It is often the case that after a few months of sobriety, our alertness wanes. That was often the case with me too, but now I’m tackling it thoroughly and making sure that I spend a short time every day on my recovery through the program of the 12 steps. I didn’t want to start it for years and I didn’t want to go to meetings, but I gave it a chance because there is so much to lose. And it really does get better. I hope you find your way too. Keep asking for help here and if I were you I would make an appointment with your psychologist as soon as possible. You can always message me if you want to talk. I wish you success and much strength!

[Misokatsu]

@1in8billion Glad u could share that. I’m rooting for you.

[Minatasha]

Day 67

I want to live, i want to live so much.

committed only to sobriety and not big decisons for 90 days. Decent day at work. Nice weather.

Tomorrow is my last day before my day off. Nobody will talk to me and I will just paint. Amazing.

A few unfinished projects itching at my mind. Lifes about to change in a big way and i am not totally blindsided and unprepared.

The coffee i made this morning is still hot in my water bottle.

One day at a time. Thank you for listening.

Here is a small watercolor i did