Congratulations! So wonderful 
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Trigger warning: alcohol, sexual abuse
Going to have to spend a good while on the phone with my friend tonight to let this urge to self harm pass.
I donāt drink because I know I have an addictive personality, and because a lot of my childhood trauma is related to alcohol. Today my uncle came to my grandpaās drinking straight from a bottle of vodka. No effort to hide it. Drank 3/4 of it within the span of dinner.
Just the smell reminds me of so many years of sexual abuse I endured because my uncle was drunk and we were alone. He always comes by with a beer but drinking straight out a bottle of vodka is a whole other level. Itās just really upsetting and itās causing me to have a lot of flashbacks.
Iām home now, but I spent a half hour or so just completely overwhelmed and breaking down over what I was remembering. I feel so unsafe. Not because of my want to self harm, but because of what Iām remembering. Itās just reliving it over and over.
Iāll find a way to calm down. And I know I wonāt self harm. I want to, but that only ever makes things worse and I just canāt have that right now. I canāt afford to self destruct any further.
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My heart hurts to read this. It angers me alot actually what has happened to u. It is very natural to relive traumatic events. Ur body and mind is trying to protect itself from danger. Iām glad ur away from that environment right now.
What I can suggest that has helped me is to ground myself. Its sooo important to pull urself from ur past into the present. Sit down somewhere where u feel safe. Close ur eyes if u feel comfortable doing so. Feel the support of the ground underneath you, ur feet on the floor. Relax ur shoulders, relax the area around ur eyes, ur forehead, ur jaw. Breathe in thru ur nose for 4 seconds, pause, and breathe out thru ur mouth for 4 sec. Repeat. I have even incorporated color. So focus on breathing in cool blue air thru ur nose. And then focus on breathing warm soft red air out thru ur mouth. That calms me down alot. Remembering that I am safe and that no one can hurt me. The 5 senses grounding technique helps me alot also. That and doing an activity mindfully. My fav go tos for that is mindfully washing dishes, mindfully brushing my hair, going on a mindfulness walk. Basically focusing on that activity only and really feeling the sensations of that activity. Wether that be the temperature or the feeling of the brush on my scalp.
I want to help u and I care about u alot girl! U will get true this. Remember ur plan for ur way out. Save up that money and get the hell out lol but for now, as hard as it is, u gotta just stay present. Even try a nice distractions after uv calmed urself a bit. Maybe some self care. Give urself the things u need to be safe. Provide that safety for urself and in ur space. Love u lady! Message me if u ever need it!!! Honestly 
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Thank you. That means a lot. Youāre the best 
Iāll definitely give what you said a try
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How are you doing now tho? I see u posted this an hour ago
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Iām better. I think I exhausted myself. My best friend and I are gonna just chat on the phone until I think Iām ok to go to bed. Which will hopefully be in a few hours.
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That is beyond awful. And ur family donāt know what he did? I am glad u didnāt hurt yourself. Ur uncle hurt u in the past, he shouldnāt get to hurt u now too. I hope u are talking about this in therapy?
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Thank you 
Yes, I know I have to adjust to what my body can ore cannot after surgery. I have a pile of books ready for me to read. Tomorrow I have to work so that helps for distraction and the hospital changed the check in time fom 13.30 to 9.30 so thatās better as well.
To be continued 
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Did you ever talk with someone about this Megan ?
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1072
Coffee. Today is my last day of nine years in this job. Nine years in the place I love to hate. Nine years with the residents who love to hate me and who I hate and love too. The place Iāve been wanting to leave for years but I never dared to until I became sober and clean and decided to work on my recovery. One day at time. The place I whined and complained about here so many times. The place I thought Iād never be able to leave, the place I was resigned to having to stay until retirement.
The residents made this for me. The most uplifting messages read:
āIām not contributing to this, heās leaving anywayā
āMenno, I hope you drop dead.ā
āIs Menno leaving? Glad he is!ā
Gotta love working in mental health care 
Some of the folks were actually sorry Iām leaving too. Iām glad to be moving although it is bittersweet (indeed @Its_me_Stella 
). Itās my time to finally work in addiction care, the field I wanted to work when I started nursing school back in 2006. When I only thought I wanted to help my addicted fellow humans, not having come to the insight I was one myself. I know now. Iām in recovery and have made progress. Together with you all. Itās time. Have as good a sober and clean Sunday as possible all. Much love from Amsterdam.
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Looks like some genuine congratulations and best wishes in there! Everyoneās personality in any case. Have a great last day there and on you go to another chapter! Your book. Yay! Love the card 
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Congrats for this new sensation! I desire you the same for next Sunday andā¦ for tomorrow morning as well.
Best luck!
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Checking in to thirty two day alcohol free. Good morning!
Today I am not specially inspired so I am going to copy several of the sentences I have like more of my A.A. meetings:
āYou only have a problem, alcohol, rest are circumstancesā
āWhat do you prefer: being right or being happy?ā
āThe one who fails down and get up go aheadā
āThis sickness is really really fuckingā
āNobody forces you to drinkā.
And there are more. Thank you to the community.
Happy twenty four hours!
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Day 236 checking in 
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Day 642
Nice day today, started with being brought coffee in bed (
), had a decent run, and did homework with my son, with no meltdowns (), went to ramen restaurant for lunch, and zoomed with my sister.
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Day 71
Yesterday was day 70. I didnt wait for the clock to change or think about the small milestone.
I drove to visit my cousin and meet her friends. They were all drinking wine and shared shots of peanut butter whisky. I wont lie I was tempted when invited to try the fancy booze but thought of resetting the clock and breaking my streak. Not something I want.
Maybe I came to test myself a little. Glad I brought my own soda. and honestly felt a little sick at the pace they kept! A pace ive kept before. One of the friends stayed over because she fell asleep on the couch.
Not saying I have it together. But I am grateful for my own day today.
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Checking in at day 257.
Kind of an odd day at work and I donāt know what to think. At the house where I was worked, 2 clients were already gone because of the weekend. Later, another client went to his parents. There were 3 clients left and it was a quiet day. After care and lunch it was time for an activity. The weather was so nice that we decided to sit outside with a drink and a small snack. But 1 client wanted to drink beer. Now they only have 0% beer on the house and they offer this to some clients who need it to get as much of normal life as possible. But I told him no. If they get a 0% beer there, itās only on Friday and Saturday evenings, but I donāt want to teach him that itās normal to drink during the day even if itās 0%. To him itās just beer. I had the feeling that he was pushing the limits and in the end I had a big screaming baby. You have to imagine that his emotional development is about 7 years old. So when my colleague to came over my shift, I related this clientās behavior during the transfer. My colleague simply says: Should have just given him that beer! WTF am I missing here? Iāve put so much effort and energy into this situation with a clear goal because addiction doesnāt just happen to people with a higher level or better development. How bad is it if you are limited and you become dependent on a substance. And for someone who is limited and has no self-awareness, it is even more difficult to recover from addiction. I know, itās 0% but in his eyes itās not. And he has freedoms and can occasionally go to the store himself. What if the beer starts to taste too good and he buys beer with alcohol.
I donāt know enough about this client whether he is an NAH client or not (non-congenital brain injury) but in that case he could have been a regular drinker before his disability. In either case, my colleague shouldnāt have been so lax and I left with a bad feeling. In retrospect I think maybe Iām panicking because of my background, I donāt know!
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