Man, just when I thought I had sounded the depth of my low self esteem, I surprise myself.
Been chatting for a while now with a woman I’m really starting to like.
She knows everything she needs to know about me. Well, almost everything - gotta leave something for future dates of course. But she knows about my addictions. About me going to meetings. About my autism. About my struggle with male role patterns.
And still she is as nervous as I am, for that first date when I get back home.
And I really had trouble understanding why untill I finally got to the point of understanding that apparently, she likes me just as I like her. And why not, I wondered. Is it that hard to believe someone really believes I am a man worth going for ?
Sad but true, my answer seemed to be “yes, it is that hard. Why ? Because it’s me we’re talking about.”
Haven’t learned much yet from the self-compassion books it seems.
But on the other hand, simply being aware of this may actually be one of the most self-compassionate moments I’ve encountered so far because my answer above doesn’t include any harsh judgements, but just a sense of sadness that this is how I’ve been looking at myself all my life.
You got this!!! Tucson is hot, hit over 100 yesterday! The libraries are a good idea to beat the heat and get some electricity. Im happy to see that you are still sober, I see a lot of unhoused everyday just annihilated on the side of the road. Its a huge problem out here, so happy to hear you are staying the sober course and not allowing life to break you. Where do you street perform? 4th? Downtown?
Thank you Dana for your response. You understand very well what I mean. It is and remains difficult in communication if you want to make clear what certain substances do to you. He doesn’t have the necessary insights to understand it and in my professional opinion he can’t follow it either (distracted easily). In his case and due to the fact that he lives with other clients where the same rules apply, I have to be consistent in the things I say so no is no. If I first say no and later yes, then he has me exactly where he wants me and that is not the intention. I also get what you’re saying about he might actually resist if he hears no. But I had to stick to my position. And you’re right, I also look through my addiction glasses 🥸 That makes me extra alert.
2nd check in.
This time it’s nice. Went to my parents birthday after work. Yes, it’s both their birthday today but they are divorced. My father has remarried but he, my stepmother and my mother get along just fine so they always celebrate together at my father’s house. It was fun but the best part was that they also invited my son and surprised me that he was coming. I don’t see my son very often so I was very pleasantly surprised
Hey everyone. Been awhile since I posted. The trip left me so busy I didn’t get a chance to find time to read and post. I did keep the streak going though. It feels so good to have been able to be up and going each day. It was so busy, there is no way I ever would have had an enjoyable vacation if I was hungover each day from drinking. It was an amazing trip and saw so much. Blessed to be living this life
Oh okay! So he isn’t allowed to have 0% beer in the house? I must’ve misunderstood. Sorry about that. If he can’t have it in the home like other clients, then absolutely he can’t have it in there. Then for sure u did the right thing! Those are house rules and everyone has to abide by them. It’s such a tough spot. You are doing so well tho at ur job! Proud of u!
No it’s like the 0% is allowed on Friday and Saturday evening in the house with the other clients. Now this client wanted it during the day today so I said no. Firstly that goes against the rules and secondly I noticed the sensitivity to addiction. So I was just extra careful but couldn’t get around the rules either. But you read it right thanks
Awe!!! I wish I could too. Hugs to u my beautiful and amazing friend!!! I’m proud of you just as much Thanks for being in my corner! Ur post brought a huge smile to my face
Day 44
Did some very much needed cleaning and maintenance of the house.
Took a hot shower, now in bed, so nice Sunday.
Only anxiety comes from having to work tomorrow, I’ve been finding this a recurrent issue, I worry too much and have set work as the only thing that matters which is not good.
I used to drink to cope with it.
Love to all of you, hoping you end the week with a smile
Love u! Thank u for ur ongoing support over the past 2 years or so, that I’ve been on TS! You are always inspiring to me!
Thanks for being in my corner! Ur post brought a huge smile to my face 
