Thank u for sharing… I really hear and sense so much pain in what u went thru 
Honestly… yes turning to drugs was not a great decision like u said (not just for u… but for anyone), but my God girl u were trying cope the best way u knew how. We only know what to do, based on what we are given. We only want to survive and sometimes we just do the best we can in life. I coped with various trauma and pain the same way u did. I didn’t know how to cope in healthy ways. I was never ever shown! I was in alot of distress growing up and the first drug I took, I rememeber being hooked. That form of “help” was what was given to me and at the time I truly thought I found that “something” to take it all away. At the time it allowed me to forget “me” and all that mental anguish. And then as u know, years go by and things get sooo bad and we wonder wtf happened?! Lol How did I get here?! No one wakes up thinking they will be an addict or alcoholic. Grieving is painful and uncomfortable but it has to be done. Grieving the past or going thru our traumas I also feel is crucial. I’m done trying to change how I feel. I spent more than half my life trying to change how I felt with drugs and then when I didn’t like the outcome of that experiment, I’d try a diff drug or combinations of drugs to make me feel higher or lower or however I needed to feel at that moment. Bcuz honestly I couldn’t live in my own skin. And I think a big part of recovery (at least for me), is just to be okay in being me (flaws and all) and to love and appreciate myself and my emotions as they are. To sit with my emotions and just observe them and not judge them or try to change them. Just sit and feel them 
we aren’t perfect but I see u trying and succeeding. U inspire me beyond words! 
You’re doing well and u know uv mentioned uv hit a slump. But refocus and get back to that routine u had that made u feel good! Baby steps. That motivation will come back hugs
Don’t feel bad about that. Just talk it over with him, explain him why it is that serious to you
Win-win for the both of you
Checking in, 557 days no alcohol, 67 days no cigarettes. Almost relapsed yesterday on smoking, luckily it was late at night and I decided to stay at home. I haven’t eaten added sugar in 16 days and being at the beginning triggers and amplifies all my other issues. On one hand I feel a lot better physically without all these substances, on the other hand ditching yet another makes me more unstable mentally.
I still have difficulties with my old relationships, it’s hard to open up. When it comes to my best friend, it’s sometimes hard to answer her question as simple as ’how are you’, it paralyzes me. I lost trust in her and maybe I lost interest too. I got so used to her absence from my life, that missing her became lot more familiar than actively being close to her. I still miss her every day, and that feeling just became part of me painlessly, I dread to trade it for a risky closeness where she could leave me or I could sabotage and ruin everything.
Otherwise I’m ok, one of my works got published on the internet (a Polish movie that I had translated the Hungarian dubbing for), so I could finally watch it, and it was very good actually. It really boosts my commitment to my job, because usually I don’t have chance to watch the films after dubbing, I have no feedback, or just a few words from the dubbing studio, so I have no idea how the final version sounds, what voices did they choose, if I used the right lengths and pauses, if it worked in practice or not. This lack of feedback made me question the quality of my work big time lately. So it was really good to see my work come to life, it made my day.
Day 15 well I went and saw my grandfather and it was hard, it hurt I cried and still want to cry, all the memories that raced into my mind. Seeing his modeling and dieting hurt, I’ve helped ppl pass over being a certified nurse assistant I watched way to many ppl die, but they were not my grandfather. I rubbed his sternum a nice and soft and told him I love him and it’s ok to go be with grandma now, he opened his eyes and his lips quivered a little so he heard me and then he went back to sleep. I am grateful I went and said goodbye… and then I got chased around by some of the workers and director of nursing bc they want me to come back, they missed me they said and the director said I was one of the best cnas she ever had. So I had them check to see if my license is even Still valid and it is, said ok I’ll fill out a application. Going to a meeting with my sponsor tonight and looking forward to it, called him last night and had a good talk. Much love
I’m sooo glad u went Mike! He needed u and I also think u needed this too. Hugs! Hope ur day is relaxing today
I am glad you went Mike.
Happy you had that experience with your grandpa. That’s also pretty exciting about a job opportunity - could be a way to honor him by working there again and caring for others like the staff cared for him. 
So great to see you dealing with that situation so well! You should be so proud 
Dana I have heard before that my disease wasn’t my fault because it was the only way I could cope but it hasn’t really registered until you said it, I live with so much self-hatred and blame for what I have done over the past 6 years, though I have nothing but compassion for others.
You see I didn’t, and don’t, get how sick I was and maybe am both mental health and addiction wise. I totally lack insight into myself. I think that tells me how badly I need to work on stepwork from the NA guide which is all about that.
I am so glad to have you as a partner and many others on this forum who are trying to live without medicating their feelings with alcohol or drugs.
Ok I’m going to be funny now cause it’s making me smile amidst all this weighty stuff…I know you’re in Calgary… but GO OILERS GO
Kat
Checking in at 1980 days. Just working from home and waiting for it to be time to pick up the twins at school. Only 4 weeks left of middle school for them, then summer, then high school. My son has bought his English grade up from an F to a C. He’s working hard but at his own pace. My daughter has an intellectual disability, but the new high school will have a lot of new opportunities for her. I am glad I am no longer missing the memories of my kids growing up because of drinking. Have a good sober day peeps!
Hey guys. Made it to 2 weeks.
Have a great day everyone.
I agree. I loved being a c.n.a I use to dance for the residents and just have so much fun, I use to work 16 hour shifts pretty much everyday which was ultimately what made me leave, also my addiction. But I filled out the application when I got home I plan on just going per diam so I can pick and choose my shifts.
Congrats just a day behind me twin. Much love
Thanks Dana I did need it. Really proud of you and hubby for pulling through and saying no and blocking that dweeb of a dealer. They don’t give a shit about us, you know I had such crazy anxiety trying to be a tattoo artist. Idk how any dealer can have a conscious selling drugs and knowing they killed someone. Fucked up
Checking in on day 340. I am alcohol free but I cannot stop eating the everything-bagel sourdough bread from Aldi. I need an intervention
Amazing job, this is such an inspiration!! 
Wow this is amazing strength on your behalf. I keep reading about these little tests life is throwing at you to test your sobriety. And I know I don’t know you, but I just wanted to say I’m proud of you. You are doing an amazing job. Choosing your sobriety, and saying no especially when it comes from your partner… I know sometimes my husband and I would be the worst for each other when trying to get sober, one would cave and be like come onnn just one pint and it would knock us over again and start a binge cycle.
Just wanted to say I see you- ur killing it, well done 
Checking in day 49-
Had a pretty bumpy end to yesterday. Went and saw an accountant about our investment property and she just made me feel really stupid. She was talking really fast and not very helpful. I was just trying to get my head around a few things and make sure we have everything in order for managing our affairs with our first investment. It really bummed me out.
I was pretty irritated, and defeated. I was tired and really hungry. I could see myself wanting to binge eat crap food or do something to feel better. I ended up having dinner and a long shower and putting myself to bed.
Today is a new day, I’m going to keep working on our goals, I’ll read more and get myself better educated. Stay sober and awesome everyone. Thanks for reading x
16 hr shifts sound brutal. But with ur sensitivity u’d be a great na, and also knowing u are doing such a valuable job would help with your self esteem, I think.