Checking in daily to maintain focus #42

Checking in on day 10 (almost 11) of being weed free. Still getting back into the swing of things with work, but I can feel my brain actually working :laughing: what a concept huh! I work from home so I used to just sit at my computer all day long while smoking and I would essentially do nothing. I can feel myself becoming less and less conscious of my sobriety, and itā€™s even starting to feel like my natural state again. I donā€™t miss being high every moment of the day, and I now cannot believe that is how I had ā€˜functionedā€™ for years. Thereā€™s a mental clarity that Iā€™ve gained that is way more satisfying than any high.

Take care, everyone :cowboy_hat_face:

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Checking in substance-free for 870 days.

I am still trying to find balance in my life, and it isnā€™t easy. The best I can do is take it one day at a time, or else I find myself getting a little overwhelmed, and then nothing gets done. Procrastination seems to be my go-to when I have a lot on my plate; strange yes, but I guess I just shut down. It has been helpful to look at things by prioritizing them and only taking on as many things as I can fit into one day. I have been busy making some crafty little bits to sell on Etsy, so thatā€™s taken up some time. I love working with my hands; it heals me, the heart-to-hand connection is therapeutic. Getting an Etsy store up and running takes some effort. You have to take photos, upload photos, organize shipping costs, etc. None of it would be getting done if I were still loaded. I have attempted things like this so many times and never followed through. Partly because of the unmedicated ADHD and partly because I was too messed up and would lose my drive. Things are so different today; my days are fluid. There are not many highs and lows anymore, and if I have them, they are minor and easy to navigate. My life has never been like this before. I have always struggled and only just gotten by. Recovery shows me that if I put in the work, I will reap the benefits. Therefore, this balance that I am looking for these days needs to be heavy on the recovery side, or else I will have no life to be balanced.

Congrats everyone on your recovery.
:heart:

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Good evening everyone. Checking in on day 270. Still dealing with a lot of medical issues but making day by day. Hope everyone stays safe and takes care.

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Exactlyā€¦you nailed it!!
I also agree that idle hands create problems and keeping busy sober has a flow I never experienced previously.

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Tonight will be day 77 of no self harm

Had therapy today. It went well but I talked about how things are with my family and that made me realize how little they care/notice. Kind of wish I didnā€™t bring it up. I realized that I canā€™t remember the last time Iā€™ve had a positive interaction with my parents. We havenā€™t spent any time together in years. Itā€™s a depressing realization. Itā€™s making me want to self harm but the urge is pretty minimal right now.

Something positive: I ate a meal

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Hi all, checking in here to congratulate people here (below!) and also to get the squirrelly addict voice out of my head and into the world - I need to see it as separate from myself, so I can draw a line: this is not me. I am not this person.

I am having thoughts of using, stronger than theyā€™ve been for some months now. I am a little taken aback by this. I think I need to take some time to do a personal inventory and see what is happening here, what I may be neglecting, that is putting me at risk and bringing up these old dysfunctional ā€œcopingā€ behaviours. Man those addict pathways are still there in the brain. Theyā€™re always there, and if we stop being balanced or caring for ourselves, we can slip back into them.

What am I not doing? I may not be speaking up enough about how nervous I am about this entrepreneurial project. For the last four months itā€™s been something Iā€™ve been planning, but this week is when I finally quit my old corporate job and now I officially have no more corporate paycheques. (I do have money set aside for launching my new company, but still, there is much more risk.)

I feel like Iā€™m not relaxing enough. I may need to take some time to have a hot bath or something. Some epsom salt. Iā€™ve been running myself ragged the past few weeks crossing off odds and ends.

I will take some time tomorrow morning to exercise and to meditate about this. And for now, tonight, I will have a bath.

Notes to some of the other lovely folks here:
@SadMemeQueen Eating a meal is solid. Iā€™m not kidding. Itā€™s something to feel good about that you took time to nourish your body; itā€™s the same thing as taking time to water plants in your garden - itā€™s the same kind of love.
@Dolse71 - 604 days! That is awesome! Good for you brother :muscle:
@HillbillyChris Congrats brother, thatā€™s 270 one-day-at-a-times - thatā€™s solid. Medical issues are hard, they get right to our core. Remember life never gives you what you canā€™t handle. Dig deep :person_climbing:
@Its_me_Stella ā€œProcrastination seems to be my go-to when I have a lot on my plate; strange yes, but I guess I just shut downā€ lordy do I get that, completely. Good for you for putting in the work, day by day, to be aware of your unique mental self and find your space, your rhythm, that works for you. Youā€™re growing - and thatā€™s great!
@mactune Good for you on those double digits! That clarity is nice isnā€™t it? Life is still there, life is still complex and often challenging, but youā€™re not running into numbness any more - and that is huge. Good work - keep it up!
@Alycia That sucks about that conversation with the accountant. Iā€™ve had lots of days like that over the years where you get to the end of the day and feel about one inch tall. I admire your courage in getting home, looking yourself in the mirror, and saying youā€™ll do a simple, next right thing for yourself (a hot shower is always a good idea :innocent:). You have strength in you like the ocean, currents running deep; you will find what you need. Keep taking it one step at a time.
@Deep 2 weeks forward, one day at a time! Good for you :clap:
@Kareness Wow - your kids have made so much progress! That is awesome news. I think it also speaks to a stubborn desire to get better - probably runs in the familyā€¦ :grin: Good for you guys. Itā€™s time for a treat! Maybe a day at the water park? If that interests them :innocent:
@anon53116147 Iā€™m happy to hear you had that last moment with your grandpa. Iā€™m sure he was grateful you were there. Itā€™s a big loss, and I know it hurts. I think anyone would feel that way; I know I hurt deeply when my grandma died a few years back. But he is with you today, as you move into your next steps, personally (with your girls) and professionally (with whatever your next step is). Take care brother and donā€™t give up; one step at a time is how we all move forward, all the time :innocent:
@Tomek congratulations on 557 days no booze! And the 67 days without cigarettes too. Big steps forward, one day at a time. And Iā€™m happy to hear about your work being published! That is awesome! Itā€™s so hard in production when youā€™re one part of a much larger operation; Iā€™m happy to hear about you seeing this work in its final product. Iā€™m glad it turned out well. Something to feel good about! :clap: :innocent:

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Day 213 AF
Day 18 No Caffeine

Not a whole lot going on over here. Work and staying busy with the kids. Oh yeah, my 3 year old is starting to use the toilet. Iā€™m so proud of that lil dude. Cept we only have one bathroom for the 4 us. Weā€™re always fighting for it lol. Damn. Gonna have to rent a porta potty or something.

Have a great night everyone!

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:first_quarter_moon_with_face: Evening Check In :first_quarter_moon_with_face:
Day 92
Feeling alot of different emotion tonight. Just random opposites of emotion. Iā€™ve been feeling alot of fear lately surrounding my recovery. Iā€™m getting nervous. A personal milestone of mine that I made on this app is the 100th day (triple digits). Iā€™m scared honestly. Not for this milestone but more for disappointment. Fear of not getting long term recovery. Iā€™m trying hard not to think far ahead. Thatā€™s pointless. Itā€™s just my past is playing games with my head. Maybe the addictive voice is trying to sneak in and cause havoc. Iā€™ve had so many varying amount of clean time to the point where I used to wonder if I will always be on this struggling rollercoaster ride of recovery. I wanna know whatā€™s it like to not struggle with addiction (drugs, food, anything) and to just be. Since 16 when I went into treatment for the 1st time, Iā€™ve been seeing God knows how many counsellors or psychiatrists and on so many diff meds n other treatment centres etc. Like Iā€™m tired of it!! But I do wonder if I am one of those people that will be on and off this merry-go-round for life. Itā€™s all fear based and all future based. I do feel this time around has been nothing like any of my other times clean. Sooo much better!!! Im not white knuckling it this time! And it is truly bcuz of my daily connection to God and supports like u all! My attitude and thinking are different also. But thereā€™s that nagging thought of ā€œwhat if?ā€. What if Im not meant to be forever clean and sober. Just fear lately is seeping in. Need to get this in check lol

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Another awesome meeting tonight. Just listening really or trying, of course my ego and addict tries to come in and say donā€™t listen, but I close it out as quick as I can. Went over with my sponsor helped him set up coffee and had that nice meeting before the meeting. And another job opportunity came about. Guy was talking about being short handed and offered me a job doing maintenance. Only problem no license and itā€™s over in lake placid, but he said there is one other guy that works with him from Tupper. I told him Iā€™m very interested, but canā€™t give a definite bc I want to make sure I can be reliable. And the fact I just applied to mercy which is just a couple houses down from me. I know Iā€™d made about 18 dollars a hour or more as a c.n.a bc of my experience. But really would like this maintenance job too. But atleast Iā€™m having options and just truly trying to be grateful, for so long Iā€™ve faked my gratitudes and honestly my whole sobriety even when I was sober for the 15 months I felt like I was still just faking everything. I donā€™t want that, I want true recovery and I want to be able to give to others

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This resonates with me. Dont worry about tomorrow just live thru today. Odaat

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I get it. Weā€™re always walking this path but weā€™re always conscious of where we were because, whether we like it or not, it was a huge part of our life.

I donā€™t think we get an answer to that question. I donā€™t think any of us do.

I think whatā€™s a more interesting - and maybe helpful - question is this: what am I going to do about this facet of my life? I am choosing to live healthy and functional (sober), 24 hours at a time, and thatā€™s a good thing - but that doesnā€™t mean my addiction and all the mental and emotional pathways it had/has, are gone.

They just arenā€™t. Theyā€™re like dried up riverbeds, still visible in the landscape. So the question is, what is my relationship to this thing? Because itā€™s not disappearing. Thatā€™s not good or bad, itā€™s just a fact. For some people, they donā€™t get too wrapped up in this what-am-I-other-than-my-addiction question, but some do; I donā€™t know why :man_shrugging:

Some people in 12 step programs relate to their addiction experience in a constructive way through sponsorship, which is a type of constructive relationship to the addiction experience, helping others find their way out of addiction.

Another way to relate to it is to create art about it. One of my family friends does this. I posted about it here:

Thereā€™s a lot of constructive ways you can relate to it. Really the question is this: obviously this is a thing that is going to keep popping into your mind and your emotions: I have this experience of addiction. Itā€™s not good or bad, itā€™s just something that has that presence in you. So the question is, what can you do about this which is a constructive way to channel that experience?

I donā€™t know. But I suspect youā€™d feel some relief if you gave it some thought :innocent: - at least then it can feel like itā€™s going somewhere constructive, and not just back on the using carousel.

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Thanks for the inspirationā€‹:heart::heart: congrats!!

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Day 73

A day of painting

Its been easier to be stoned all the time than this depressed and out of it. The other times i tried to get sober i would get discouraged by my executive function never really improving.

Im staying sober tonight but i have been depressed still. Just did more watercolor.

Need a gentler way of being in the world. Need the world to be gentler. I think human nature is generally inclined to empathy, but people from my country are cut off from that by violent, racist cultural practices and disinformation.

It does something so fucked to the mind. I am tired. Painting tomorrow. Goodnight.

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Just a quick note to say I relate to what youā€™ve described feeling. I am so frustrated with the state of my country and have been for what feels like forever. Iā€™ve felt sad and angry and just down, all of which are red flags for slipping into more long term depression. Iā€™m doing my damnedest to not get that far. Itā€™s wonderful you have painting to help get you through. I must get back to some of my hobbies like knitting. Iā€™ve even considered watercolors and am following a bunch of artist tutorials on IG. Right now getting my garden started and tending to my houseplants is really saving me.

Hang in there. Sending love and strength. :heartpulse:

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I was thinking about your sleeve Mike and that you do not like it anymore and have no money to laser. Is it an option to make some parts black, ore the wole arm, and put a white tattoo over it? I saw some pretty nice examples of it on the internet. Just an idea?

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Hey you, yes that was actually my original idea was to black out my arm and do white tattoo. But as I was going I was like wow ok this blacking out hurts :rofl: so I just started maki g like a tribal type of thing and just really got lost in what I wanted and can only take so much tattooing myself. Hard to stretch the skin, and just makes me super sick after about 4 hoursā€¦ Iā€™m hoping to finish blacking it out before summer really kicks off. I still like my owl on my hand just need to finish it.

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#Day 1337 :seedling:
Got my surgery yesterday and all went well. Checked in there at 8.15, got my operation at 10.00 and went home at 17.00.
Had a bad sleep because of the pain and went out bed early because of it. Today I have a couch day. Just some internet surfing, sleeping and read a book. The stone they found in my gall blatter was 1,5 cm/ 2,54 inch. A big one, now heā€™s in the hospital bin together with my gall blatter :see_no_evil:
Hereā€™s to a new life without an organ I had for 54 years. My daughter was wondering if I weigh less now. Not that I weigh much, I could use an extra kilo ore two :sunglasses:


So not a nature picture today, but my sober feet in the hospital. Iā€™m not going to walk for a while I guess :hugs:
So plenty of time to be here to spam you all! :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
Have a good day wherever you are!! :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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checking in, finishing up day 31. ended up having the hard chat with my friend today, sooner than i wanted but the opportunity presented itself and I ran with it. At first it was emotional, then she heard what I had to say so that was good. Hoping she can stand up for herself and get the help she needs.

Goodnight all!

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Day 645

Busy couple of days. At the weekend I noticed a kitten, with eyes so gunky they were fused together. Then my daughter found that kitten and another not quite so bad kitten, and we took both to the vets, and then back to my house, to the rage of my husband, who wouldnā€™t speak to me and just went to bed at 7.30. One, the very poorly one one, died in the night. The other one is ok. It is also very gunky and sneezy, and was very dehydrated so needs feeding by pipette every 3 hours. I was sorta hoping we could keep it, but husband is dead against, so I tried to find a home. Of course, wonā€™t find a home straightaway, but husband lost patience and threatened to get rid of our current cat if I donā€™t find a home ASAP. Regular viewers know the drama with that cat and how loved it is, so I have been pretty upset and tired. A home has hopefully been found.

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