Day 213 AF
Day 18 No Caffeine
Not a whole lot going on over here. Work and staying busy with the kids. Oh yeah, my 3 year old is starting to use the toilet. I’m so proud of that lil dude. Cept we only have one bathroom for the 4 us. We’re always fighting for it lol. Damn. Gonna have to rent a porta potty or something.
Have a great night everyone!
Evening Check In
Day 92
Feeling alot of different emotion tonight. Just random opposites of emotion. I’ve been feeling alot of fear lately surrounding my recovery. I’m getting nervous. A personal milestone of mine that I made on this app is the 100th day (triple digits). I’m scared honestly. Not for this milestone but more for disappointment. Fear of not getting long term recovery. I’m trying hard not to think far ahead. That’s pointless. It’s just my past is playing games with my head. Maybe the addictive voice is trying to sneak in and cause havoc. I’ve had so many varying amount of clean time to the point where I used to wonder if I will always be on this struggling rollercoaster ride of recovery. I wanna know what’s it like to not struggle with addiction (drugs, food, anything) and to just be. Since 16 when I went into treatment for the 1st time, I’ve been seeing God knows how many counsellors or psychiatrists and on so many diff meds n other treatment centres etc. Like I’m tired of it!! But I do wonder if I am one of those people that will be on and off this merry-go-round for life. It’s all fear based and all future based. I do feel this time around has been nothing like any of my other times clean. Sooo much better!!! Im not white knuckling it this time! And it is truly bcuz of my daily connection to God and supports like u all! My attitude and thinking are different also. But there’s that nagging thought of “what if?”. What if Im not meant to be forever clean and sober. Just fear lately is seeping in. Need to get this in check lol
Another awesome meeting tonight. Just listening really or trying, of course my ego and addict tries to come in and say don’t listen, but I close it out as quick as I can. Went over with my sponsor helped him set up coffee and had that nice meeting before the meeting. And another job opportunity came about. Guy was talking about being short handed and offered me a job doing maintenance. Only problem no license and it’s over in lake placid, but he said there is one other guy that works with him from Tupper. I told him I’m very interested, but can’t give a definite bc I want to make sure I can be reliable. And the fact I just applied to mercy which is just a couple houses down from me. I know I’d made about 18 dollars a hour or more as a c.n.a bc of my experience. But really would like this maintenance job too. But atleast I’m having options and just truly trying to be grateful, for so long I’ve faked my gratitudes and honestly my whole sobriety even when I was sober for the 15 months I felt like I was still just faking everything. I don’t want that, I want true recovery and I want to be able to give to others
This resonates with me. Dont worry about tomorrow just live thru today. Odaat
I get it. We’re always walking this path but we’re always conscious of where we were because, whether we like it or not, it was a huge part of our life.
I don’t think we get an answer to that question. I don’t think any of us do.
I think what’s a more interesting - and maybe helpful - question is this: what am I going to do about this facet of my life? I am choosing to live healthy and functional (sober), 24 hours at a time, and that’s a good thing - but that doesn’t mean my addiction and all the mental and emotional pathways it had/has, are gone.
They just aren’t. They’re like dried up riverbeds, still visible in the landscape. So the question is, what is my relationship to this thing? Because it’s not disappearing. That’s not good or bad, it’s just a fact. For some people, they don’t get too wrapped up in this what-am-I-other-than-my-addiction question, but some do; I don’t know why 
Some people in 12 step programs relate to their addiction experience in a constructive way through sponsorship, which is a type of constructive relationship to the addiction experience, helping others find their way out of addiction.
Another way to relate to it is to create art about it. One of my family friends does this. I posted about it here:
There’s a lot of constructive ways you can relate to it. Really the question is this: obviously this is a thing that is going to keep popping into your mind and your emotions: I have this experience of addiction. It’s not good or bad, it’s just something that has that presence in you. So the question is, what can you do about this which is a constructive way to channel that experience?
I don’t know. But I suspect you’d feel some relief if you gave it some thought 
- at least then it can feel like it’s going somewhere constructive, and not just back on the using carousel.
Thanks for the inspiration:heart:
congrats!!
Day 73
A day of painting
Its been easier to be stoned all the time than this depressed and out of it. The other times i tried to get sober i would get discouraged by my executive function never really improving.
Im staying sober tonight but i have been depressed still. Just did more watercolor.
Need a gentler way of being in the world. Need the world to be gentler. I think human nature is generally inclined to empathy, but people from my country are cut off from that by violent, racist cultural practices and disinformation.
It does something so fucked to the mind. I am tired. Painting tomorrow. Goodnight.
Just a quick note to say I relate to what you’ve described feeling. I am so frustrated with the state of my country and have been for what feels like forever. I’ve felt sad and angry and just down, all of which are red flags for slipping into more long term depression. I’m doing my damnedest to not get that far. It’s wonderful you have painting to help get you through. I must get back to some of my hobbies like knitting. I’ve even considered watercolors and am following a bunch of artist tutorials on IG. Right now getting my garden started and tending to my houseplants is really saving me.
Hang in there. Sending love and strength. 
I was thinking about your sleeve Mike and that you do not like it anymore and have no money to laser. Is it an option to make some parts black, ore the wole arm, and put a white tattoo over it? I saw some pretty nice examples of it on the internet. Just an idea?
Hey you, yes that was actually my original idea was to black out my arm and do white tattoo. But as I was going I was like wow ok this blacking out hurts 
so I just started maki g like a tribal type of thing and just really got lost in what I wanted and can only take so much tattooing myself. Hard to stretch the skin, and just makes me super sick after about 4 hours… I’m hoping to finish blacking it out before summer really kicks off. I still like my owl on my hand just need to finish it.
#Day 1337 
Got my surgery yesterday and all went well. Checked in there at 8.15, got my operation at 10.00 and went home at 17.00.
Had a bad sleep because of the pain and went out bed early because of it. Today I have a couch day. Just some internet surfing, sleeping and read a book. The stone they found in my gall blatter was 1,5 cm/ 2,54 inch. A big one, now he’s in the hospital bin together with my gall blatter 
Here’s to a new life without an organ I had for 54 years. My daughter was wondering if I weigh less now. Not that I weigh much, I could use an extra kilo ore two 
checking in, finishing up day 31. ended up having the hard chat with my friend today, sooner than i wanted but the opportunity presented itself and I ran with it. At first it was emotional, then she heard what I had to say so that was good. Hoping she can stand up for herself and get the help she needs.
Goodnight all!
Day 645
Busy couple of days. At the weekend I noticed a kitten, with eyes so gunky they were fused together. Then my daughter found that kitten and another not quite so bad kitten, and we took both to the vets, and then back to my house, to the rage of my husband, who wouldn’t speak to me and just went to bed at 7.30. One, the very poorly one one, died in the night. The other one is ok. It is also very gunky and sneezy, and was very dehydrated so needs feeding by pipette every 3 hours. I was sorta hoping we could keep it, but husband is dead against, so I tried to find a home. Of course, won’t find a home straightaway, but husband lost patience and threatened to get rid of our current cat if I don’t find a home ASAP. Regular viewers know the drama with that cat and how loved it is, so I have been pretty upset and tired. A home has hopefully been found.
Day 9. Strange dreams involving buying clothes i didn’t need and getting drunk… woke up relieved i hadn’t drank
I feel really sad about my kids not wanting to come to Cornwall. It’s my home now , my ex was awful after we separated (i wasn’t drinking then, i had been sober for two years and she had an affair with our builder, asked for a divorce and then asked for me back, then went bat sh@t towards me when i said no)
But I am sober, have a good day folks
Day 14
Man I feel soo tired. I’m exercising more, eating better, starting to sleep better… but the fatigue is something else 
Maybe it’s your body just readjusting ? I feel v tired so i have tried to slow things down as best i can till i can feel my energy picking up… 14 days is great!
1075
Coffee. Found the solution to being wide awake before dawn: do a crazy long bike ride the day before. Too bad I don’t feel up to it today. Will do some house chores instead. Clean and sober. One day at a time.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it sober and clean or nothing will come of it. Love from my ride in the Wieringermeer yesterday, maybe the most boring polder in the country.
@GVLNative Great to see you, just as great to see your milestone Kyle! Congrats!
@Its_me_Stella Procrastinator has been my middle name for god knows how long. Still have to fight the urge.
@Matt Big changes and taking big chances friend. Exciting times but unnerving too right. Keep going.
@Misokatsu Sorry for the drama, thank you for rescuing the kitty Flo.
@SoberWalker Take it easy Claudia. And have some treats while you’re recouping.
Checking in at day 260.
After many early shifts I have a late shift today so I’ve had been trying to get a long sleep. In the end I slept well but I did wake up automatically at 5. Doing some small things in the house today now that I have the energy for it and a long walk with the dog. My shift starts this afternoon at 3:00.
@Rockstar24777 I’m so sorry to hear about the overdose. I wanted to wish you allot of strength. I’m glad I also read that you took good care of yourself that day 
@GVLNative Congratulations on your 2 years. Great milestone 
@SoberWalker Glad the surgery went well. I wish you a speedy recovery 
@Mno Nice big piece of cycling you did there. Happy Holidays 
I was thinking about my relapse after two years of sobriety…what i stopped doing was attending here, and really paying attention and respect to my need to not drink at all costs. At all costs. Drinking for me is progressive. I stopped for over two years and up until i stopped 9 days ago i had become chaotic again.
All i or any of us need to do is say no to the first drink. Whatever the temptation
