Checking in day 11. Missed yesterday so catching up today
Today is first day of the conference my wife and I have been writing a song for. We had sound check last night and things clicked - the song came into place - and it was such a satisfying feeling.
Sometimes you settle and youāre in a space where you see clearly that the universe is helping you flow, helping everything work smoothly. Yesterday was one of those days. Song writing flowed naturally, words and music came seemingly without effort.
This weekend is a weekend where Iām going to let go and flow with the rhythm of the universe. Iāve done a sincere effort to prepare and that is good enough; Iām looking forward to this conference
You deserve those moments of clarity Franzi. You are one of the people I know who reflects most consciously and profoundly on your life, what it is and what it can be.
Checking in, day 62 for me. Feeling strong and resolved. Am happy and mentally soothed by the gentleness of sobriety. No drinking event ever offered me this peace
Thank you, I wish I could share how Iām feeling but it wonāt change my situationā¦ Iām scared and alone this is the only thing I have and Iām resentful of it because I donāt want come off as attention seeking because this is the only place I have to be honest. Iām physically exhausted emotionally exhausted and riddled with anxietyā¦ I have no way outā¦
Morning Check In Day 117
I am kind of struggling with something snd trying adjust to this new found clean and sober life. But thereās something that has been bugging me. It has to do with my old survival skills in the problem. Over the couple decades that I was in and our of recovery, I had survival skills that I carried into recovery when I got clean. Even this time around, there were some that i carried into recovery with me. Some were really hard to give up. Over my many various attempts at recovery, I was scared to let those survival skills go in case I went back out (since chronic relapsing was so common for me). I needed to be prepared and I needed to know how to take care of myself. I didnāt want to let them go bcuz if I went back out I would need them. I had to realize that Iām not just surviving anymore. Recovery has given me the ability to thrive in life. And Iām no longer putting myself into situations that require me to have these skills (whatever they may be) to be safe and to get out of them. Fear I think is huge for many of us in our pasts. But even now that I have let many of those survival skills go, when I am faced with a situation out of my control and that I didnāt place myself in (like a situation or something on the train that wasnāt my doing), I no longer feel safe anymore bcuz I feel like Iām weak and Iām not just talking about physically, I feel weak in my appearance and weak how I hold myself and weak in my mind. Itās hard to explain. I actually try to go out of my way to avoid situations if I do happen to see something ahead of me. I never used to be like that! I wouldnāt cause problems bit o certainly wouldnāt avoid them. I dont get it. Is this normal? Like is this how ānormiesā do it? Haha idk any insight would be helpful. How can I feel that āstrengthā again, but in a healthier way?
Iām so sorry to hear youāre feeling this way. Sharing might not change your situation but it may help you feel less alone and have some support around you? I can promise you, you will never come across as attention seeking by speaking on here. Honesty is such a big part of recovery and it really can help us to get things off our chest - you deserve to have this space to use and its ok to do that. We are here for you lovely xx
If youāre not comfortable sharing openly on a thread, will a private chat message with someone be easier for you? Iām always here to listen if I can be of any help x
Day 729 clean and sober today. Worked a shift in detox last night, very triggering for me as there was a kid around Coreyās age in last night. Although I love what I do as far as helping make a difference in someoneās life it really wears on me sometimes. Self care is key in my recovery especially in this field. I just found out yesterday that weāve now lost a total of 5 people in the last 2 weeks to fentanyl overdoses. Guys that came to the program but discharged against clinical advice because they thought they could do it themselvesā¦ I love you guys
Ahhh thatās really rough Rob, so sad and such scary shit! Glad you are aware and working the self care aspect, it would be key to your recovery and mental health. Youāre doing an amazing job.
Update, went to the baseball game and i was less triggered. It was fun filled, lots of laughs with the hubby. Spent a small fortune on a helmet full of brisket nachosā¦still cheaper than a bar tab! Im learning i dont need to throw money at a poison i gulp down to alter my mind to have fun. That is freeing in itself. There were beautiful fireworks with a spectacular finale. What a wonderful way to celebrate 40 days of sobriety. I feel myself growing mentally and emotionally with each added day! Yea sobriety!
Iām so sorry What an incredibly tough career u have. Itās hard not to feel upset over the loss of a life due to drugs just wishing that they would have stuck with it and had a chance to see the miracle happen
Checking in start of Day 7. Trying to figure out my day and not overthink it, give myself a panic attack, and procrastinate for too long. Have a great Saturday everyone!
Not sure if this is helpful, but reading your post reminded me of who I was and maybe how I act or better, react to situations. I grew up in a border town, were I survived bombs/bullets. I swear I had eyes in the back of my head and had an instinct like no other. I could see and feel trouble a mile of ground. That part of me is my DNA and I appreciate it for survival if needed. However things/life changes and we donāt need to be on such guard. We are not any weaker because we donāt walk about clenched - we avoid trouble not because we cannot handle it, it is because we choose peace. I feel your survival tools and your strength are playing a huge part in your soberiety. You have the, āthis will not beat me, I have come through worseā attitude, and that is power in itās best. You have got this!
Morning Check In 
and Iām not just talking about physically, I feel weak in my appearance and weak how I hold myself and weak in my mind. Itās hard to explain. I actually try to go out of my way to avoid situations if I do happen to see something ahead of me. I never used to be like that! I wouldnāt cause problems bit o certainly wouldnāt avoid them. I dont get it. Is this normal? Like is this how ānormiesā do it? Haha idk any insight would be helpful. How can I feel that āstrengthā again, but in a healthier way?
Have a great Saturday everyone!
