Checking in day 88.
Things are going so well in my sobriety, at work, and at home. I couldn’t be more blessed. I’ve found the best version of myself and I’m never letting go. 
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@Its_me_Stella I always admire ur strength in the face of chronic pain.
@Bistro612 The two things you can’t control are the past and other people’s opinions. Just focus on being your best sober self daily. Especially with kids, they need you to be your best self in this difficult time.
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Day 137 AF
Day 4 PMO
I recently been thinking more about my feelings and reasons why I work so hard, and now exercise almost daily. I think I think I’m not enough. ‘I just need to be better’ This is something I keep “hearing or telling myself”. I actually get sad typing this, I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I’ve had this will to impress others(or maybe myself) even as a 5yo. Carrying the heavy luggage to the beach for my parents to show how strong I was.
Now at work there was a small meeting about improvements and mistakes. I felt accountable for every mistake they pointed out even tho I know I have nothing to do with any of them. I get a large sense of accomplishment when I’m done with work, but when I do something wrong I immediately feel worse than any week of good work will do good. I need to learn to love me and to know I’m okay. So often I ‘know’ things but I actually ‘feel/believe’ completely different about it. Like ‘I’m a good person, I’m okay, I’m not alone.’ etc.
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Day 686
So starting to ride the bike indoor on the trainer had been the goal over the weekend but still hasn’t really happened. Not for lack of trying. My PT exercises my surgeon gave me had a lot of straightening and did not have enough focus on bending the knee. I cannot yet bend my knee far enough to ride the bike and it has felt so defeating. Another area of life where one day at a time applies. And I know it is purely my own expectations and impatience leading me to feel defeated. Reading around the internet it seems common for a lot of patients to still have a limp up to two weeks post op so I am already ahead of the game there but damn if I’m not my own worst enemy these days. Fell into a bit of depression over the weekend, have been so exhausted & sleeping a lot with the heat advisories the past few days, but yay therapy I talked through things yesterday afternoon with my therapist, got some new tools, and I’m slowly coming out of it today. Follow up with my surgeon on Friday when my stitches come out, and will get to meet up briefly with a good friend afterwards. Occupying my time with lots of reading, a bit of netflix, and continuing to work rom exercises while cursing my knee but trying to have just a bit more compassion. Planning a fall cycling trip with my sister and looking toward the future.
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Hi guys, checking in having completed Day 1. The day before I had abused a whole bottle of 100 Benadryl tablets to try to get a calm, euphoric feeling through my body and heart I think, oh yeah and I’m more social on drugs.
Well I for sure wasn’t going to keep poisoning my body like that so when the pills were gone, they were gone and I won’t buy more. Ditto with pouring a bottle of vodka down the drain. So today was Day 1. Still having troubles with dizziness and leg weakness but that is to be expected until my body can detox itself.
Have tried to be happy and excited that today is the start of a bright new future, but still dealing with the sadness, grief, and pain of relapse. Well that’s what we gotta do right, is feel our feelings. My new therapist says though to not get caught up in the room full of negativity if that makes any sense.
Well folks thanks for listening and going to try get some sleep
Love Kat
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Hugs Kat 
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Congratulations on your day one! I’m glad you made it through the benadryl And you are here. I think of you as a social person here on the Internet. You are outgoing and nice. I’m glad that you are here and I hope you will never again be “there”. That’s scary my friend.
I know you had your reasons and I respect that. One day at a time today is day one congratulations.!
Editing to add. Yesterday was yesterday. Today is today. We go forward. 
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Evening Check in
Day 121
Been another busy productive day. Was actually really nice to those I spoke to today and really kept myself calm and basically relaxed when having to deal with a stressful event. I got my fondant cupcake toppers done also. Watched a movie just now that was very much based on prostitution. I had no idea honestly that this was like a main storyline of this movie. It was Madea goes to jail (or something like that lol). Things that happened to the main character of the movie, were very similar to what I experienced in the sex trade. I was abit triggered honestly but I worked thru it. My hubby was watching the movie with me and he asked if this movie bothered me ax he doea know my past. I told him the truth and he cuddled up to me and held my hand (to me this is a beautiful gift of recovery) 
That was so nice of him. To have that support without really even saying anything. I feel like me and my hubby are sort of learning about each other bcuz this is the first time weve both been clean in our relationship. My past id my past but even after 7.5 years of being exited I still haven’t dealt with alot of it. And I don’t know if I ever will or if it needs to be dealt with. If the time is right to look at that, then im willing to of course. When I moved provinces, I took whatever savings I had with me for a fresh start, but I wasn’t a healthy woman. I was desperate to leave where I lived bcuz I knew i was going to die in that city. But I was still using when i moved and bcuz I had no job here I was scared. And unfortunately, I felt that push to build a new clientele here, which was a bad mistake. But not long after I began doing that I met my husband online one night and I knew there was something different about him. I didn’t pursue anything with him, that I would’ve normally pursued others when trying to meet up in person and make money bcuz he just seemed different to me. And we met at his place, he gave me a tattoo, and I didn’t leave for 3 days he packed up all my stuff out of the unhealthy place I was living at that time and I got on my feet with a job and never looked back. And I dont know even if he knows how much he truly helped me. Bcuz it scares me unbelievably what to think what more I would’ve been thru in the trade if I did that here. God does amazing things. And I am so blessed to be where I am today. I don’t even know why my mind entertains the idea of using after everything that’s happened over 2 decades. I’m sooo glad that I’ve been saved from a hopeless state of mind and body. Hugs TS fam. I’m just feeling so grateful tonight!!
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Not sure how to feel tonight. It was not a productive day, but then again nothing bad happened either. Told my employment counselor I need some bus tickets to go look for a job; she said she can’t give me bus tickets until I get a job! 
It’s been too hot and humid to go anywhere (105 with heat index) so I feel imprisoned and restless. Went outside a minute ago and it’s still uncomfortably hot.
@kat261 It’s a miracle you survived the Benadryl! I’m glad you’re still with us!
@Butterflymoonwoman Glad you had a great day! Cuddling is really great (that’s what they tell me anyway). Keep up the good work!
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Been real hot around here, so not out walking much lately. Pretty lazy but doing alright. Either way, my clock just rolled to 10 days
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Way to go on 10 days!!! Great work 
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Day 102
A moment of grace for myself. I keep crying about the person ive been.
I am sober and didnt think that would be possible 3 months ago. Honestly didnt think it would be possible. So I will let myself be happy about that. I am not drunk or high and wont be. Feels good to be physically tired and having worked all day.
Goodnight
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Day 242 AF
Been a busy day with the fam. Decided to go to Legoland vs. the fair. The little man had a blast.
Came out for a skateboard cruise. Crazy how still have energy after a long day. I’m still sober today. One day at a time. Stay strong, fam!
@BT824 Congrats on double digits!
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Thanks, slightly better. Glad I didn’t relapse. Grateful for the help and support
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Congratulations on your ten days.
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Super cool 
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That’s fantastic I don’t think I’ve ever managed more than 62 days. We’ll maybe this time! I get cross with myself when I keep failing amd then I see all you guys rocking your massive numbers and I think I’m sure they didn’t think they could do it either and if they all can then I must be able to surely? Easy to think we are the worst, worse than everyone else…but we can’t all be! And I only have alcohol to deal with whereas lots of people on here have multiple addictions…so thanks everyone for sharing and being so inspiring
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Morning troops day 34 not been on much between work and kids am in bed for 9 at night days are rolling in tho:sunglasses:
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Glad you’re still with us Kat.
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