Good morning (or afternoon) everybody! Got off to an early start. About 4:30 am. But I was awake after sleeping 9 hours. I wasn’t still awake from the day before, as I normally am at 4:30. Felt great. So what to do with my day? I was about to head out west because my bus ticket from yesterday doesn’t expire till 7. But then I thought, “Hey, dingus, you’d have to buy another bus ticket to get home…” So I just made pancakes with almond butter and maple syrup.
Filed taxes last night. Wasn’t going to because my W-2 said I’m only getting $52 dollars back, but right now that would actually help. Turns out their calculator says I’m getting over $600 back! Of course they didn’t tell me until the last possible moment that it costs $70 to file, but I’m still coming out ahead!
@Hayleylujah Good work! Stick to your guns… nobody tells you who you really are. @DarrenUK Awesome three years! @Pedrom1990 Welcome to the party! @maxwell I can’t imagine the physical pain you’re in- mine is relatively mild. But I absolutely understand the constant exhaustion. I feel well rested until I actually stand up and start moving. I think we can agree that alcohol won’t make it better. Try to hang in there okay? And don’t be afraid to vent. @BrianP I’ve been in your position a couple of times; it won’t hurt forever. We’re always here if you want to talk.
Morning Check in Day 134
Morning TS. I am so sorry this is long Im grateful to anyone who does read this. I think this is more for me as I need to process this. I need to check in and figure out whats going right now. I woke up for the gym and as i was getting ready, i opened fb. 1st thing i saw was a video of my friend back home (who was/is trying to get clean) beating the snot out of another woman at 3am on the street (according to when it was posted). Idk who the other woman was but there were others around videotaping it cheering her on. The other woman sort of looked like her sister but idk bcuz she was trying to protect herself I had to stop the video when she began choking her out on the ground. At 1st i was super judgmental. Thinking ur older than i am and ur on the street at 3am starting fights!! I am absolutely disgusted with what i saw. Then… i realized that there was so much anger there. And it brought me to tears (like bawling tears) bcuz i was like that during my addiction and i cried for that old version of me who was sooo angry inside. I was so angry (even at 16 which was 1 year into my addiction) that i took up boxing to release my anger. There was this boxing place whose slogan was “boxing saves lives” so i joined it only to find out down the road that my coach was a pervert. So i quit. Anyway, I havent been in a fight in 10 years, its not who i am. Ive won some and lost some and honestly back then it didnt matter if i won or lost bcuz it was a release of that anger that built up. I am not a fighter and violence disgusts me. It was so weird bcuz alot of people see some form of violence on tv or something everyday, but this was WAY too close to home seeing her. I really cried for that old version of myself. And in a way am disgusted with myself that i acted this way. The people I hurt (not disregarding them for human beings who are hurt like me), the man I robbed by knifepoint when he wouldnt pay, the times I never stopped a fight that I saw. I am sooo disgusted with myself I am not a fighter by any means but the environments I was in and the positions I placed myself in, forced me to be that way. It was all a front bcuz u cant be weak and look vulnerable so I guess I learned to adapt. But WHY is this bothering me so much!!!.. this was so long ago! Im trying hard to stay present and in today. Im not that person anymore but it has effected me so much that i was literally tearing up on the cardio machine. I am grateful… beyond grateful to be where I am. I have truly been saved
Sweetie, I completely understand where you are coming from about guilt and shame. I had a long talk with my sister in law about mine and I think what she told me will help you.
Is there anything you can do to change your past? No. There isn’t. It’s a place you were at back then. Is it something you will repeat doing? Listening to you I find it highly unlikely. Have you forgiven people who harmed you? Yes? Then why are you having such a hard time forgiving yourself? Are you less worthy of forgiveness? No, hun, you deserve the same grace for yourself that you bless others with. Do you believe your HP can and has forgiven you? If yes, why are you clinging so hard to the pain and grief? Those claw marks can get very deep in what you are holding on to. Believe me, I know this. I know it well. You can’t change the past. Regret does nothing good for your recovery. It isn’t hurting anyone except you. Accept your past and know it was a part of who you were but not part of the beautiful person you are blooming into today. Cry your tears. Let them heal you. Then turn to gratitude that today you don’t have to be that person. It’s not an instantaneous fix but for me every day I feel better because I trust the words my wise sister in law told me and believed them. Hold your head high. You got this. Much love and understanding.
36 days and newly inspired by This Naked Mind, which reframed the issues for me. I really like her approach. Yesterday I had some positive thoughts about drinking that were concerning. Perhaps that’s why I came here. Positive is perhaps stretching it, it was more like fleeting images of me drinking, but that’s how it starts. They come in a glowy haze that edits out the negatives, so that’s bad. I think I’ll go back and re read some of her book today. I’m reading another drinking memoir type book, The Unxpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray, which is in a similar vein. I just finished another book, so maybe I’ll continue with that one for reinforcement.
I think one of the best lessons of This Naked Mind is to be kind to yourself, that you have nothing to be ashamed about. I have so much shame around alcohol. I can only freely talk about it in places like this. I did finally tell my partner that I don’t want to drink, so if she sees me with wine, to remind me of that. That was actually a big step to tell her that. It was coming out of shame and it wasn’t a big deal! When we met a long time ago, I had quit drinking and I didn’t drink for a long time. I don’t obviously have a problem. But I know inside I have a problem. I can’t drink just one. It’s impossible and honestly, I don’t see the point. If I drink, I will always drink too much and end up with a terrible hangover and basically waste at least one day and maybe two, I’ve also noticed my anti-depressant meds don’t work as well and it takes awhile to feel normal again mood wise.
Jeesh, that got long. This was all by way of maintaining focus on sobriety, yay.
I REALLY want to thank u for ur post. I am beyond grateful that u commented bcuz until u wrote that, I had no idea that what I was experiencing was guilt and shame. I honestly didn’t think I had those regarding my past… I was WAY off. Have I forgiven others for what they have done? I absolutely have. I have put a ton of work into that. I truly have forgiven them. But I definitly have not forgiven myself and I find it harder to do that, than forgive others. I haven’t forgiven myself for giving my mom ptsd, or not helping others when they were hurting (due to being self consumed). Annndddd… I haven’t forgiveness myself for taking advantage of men and their vulnerability when I was “working”. I know that may sound weird bcuz often times people hear about how the men are at fault for picking up woman as they are paying for a service… but I was taking advantage of them just as much. I had a role to play in this too. I feel like such a horrible person. I won’t go into alot of detail but today was a huge eye opener for me. It’s like it’s been a snowball effect. Seeing that video just opened up a can of worms. And it definitly has to do with guilt and shame and I seem to have alot of it I do believe God has forgiven me, but I feel like its a separate situation from me forgiving myself lol I can tell from ur words that u understand this completely. Accepting my past for what it is… I have to work on. Who I am as a person is someone who is caring and loves helping people so to think about what ive done really hurts me to the core. But ur right i cant change it. I can only change how I am today. I realized the people that hurt me where “sick” people. Only hurt people, hurt people. Yet I forgave them. But I too was “sick” and so why should I not show the same compassion to myself, that I did for others? Idk. What’s holding me back? But I can only focus on today and be the best version of myself for today. I know I’m not going back to that lifestyle. But I need to make amends somehow and since it’s generally not safe to make amends to them (I wouldn’t even know how to find them honestly), I will maybe try to make amends in others ways in how I live day to day. I feel crappy right now but good at the same time. Bcuz u helped me to really think about some things. I appreciate you and thank you!!!
I’m going to do something here that completely terrifies me. I’m actually shaking typing this but I think it will be part of my healing process.
I’m sure you saw my posts about being triggered and how I actually ran from this app before I talked to my sister in law.
My trauma was from an abortion I had 45 years ago. My guilt and shame was buried but recent events kept slapping me in the face with it. All this time it was festering deep inside but I couldn’t face it. (To my sisters I say again, this is me and my issues. You do what is best for you ) So I completely understand how that video of your friend triggered you suddenly and out of the blue.
Self forgiveness is indeed the hardest thing we struggle with in recovery. At least that was true for me and it appears to be for you. It took me 45 years and 27 years of recovery to even begin to work on it. Do I feel completely okay now? No, not yet. But I can feel the progress. I no longer have those claws buried in festering feelings and my hands are losing the grip. I know that today I can trust that day by day I get better. That is all we can hope for. I have faith that you will learn to trust yourself and learn to forgive yourself for things you did in the past. You can come to me anytime if you need. We are walking the same path and it’s good to know I’m not walking alone. I’m here for you.
Crossing my fingers that I haven’t overstepped here. Praying for kindness. I’m baring my soul here like I haven’t done since my first fourth step.
Be kind to yourself, the you now, and the you in the past. You only did the best you could with what you had at the time. Maybe it isn’t what the you now would do, and the you now will have to deal with the emotions that behavior of the old you brings up. It takes time.
Sassyboomer I love you and I am honored (truly honored) that u felt comfortable enough to open up about ur abortion years ago. Im sure things that have happened recently on the news has been triggering for u Even though I can not relate specifically to what you have gone thru, like you said we do walk similar paths and we do both struggle with self forgiveness. I hear ur hurt and pain and sadness and guilt and shame in ur words but I also hear ur progress and I truly do see that forgiveness for urself slowly coming to u. It’s not easy and when we remove the drugs and alcohol, things stare us in the face. We have no way to hide our emotions over the things we’ve done. I try to think that we were just doing the best we could with what we were dealt with. And I DO believe that. If ur not shown any other way, then often people do what they know. We all want to survive and we all try to be happy and to feel comfortable in our own skin. But there is another way today and u were doing the best u could back then 🫂 As was I. I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say to help with ur journey in self forgiveness as I don’t even know how to do it myself lol yet I think at times this is a personal journey where we just need to be gentle with ourselves. Self love and of course self forgiveness, which I think will come with time hugs my friend… huge huge hugs
Thank u… this means alot. I’m sorry for the really deep post I made so early in the morning (well early for me here) lol but at the same time I have learned ALOT about myself and where I need to go from here. Thank u for ur kind words hugs
Of course they didn’t tell me until the last possible moment that it costs $70 to file, but I’m still coming out ahead!
Morning Check in 
Im grateful to anyone who does read this. I think this is more for me as I need to process this. I need to check in and figure out whats going right now. I woke up for the gym and as i was getting ready, i opened fb. 1st thing i saw was a video of my friend back home (who was/is trying to get clean) beating the snot out of another woman at 3am on the street (according to when it was posted). Idk who the other woman was but there were others around videotaping it cheering her on. The other woman sort of looked like her sister but idk bcuz she was trying to protect herself 
) So I completely understand how that video of your friend triggered you suddenly and out of the blue.
hugs my friend… huge huge hugs