My first sponsor told me life would give me roses if I maintained my recovery and did the work. She also added that didn’t include a promise of no thorns. In other words, life will still be very hard at times but we will have the ability to have a sober, clear mind to use what we learned to get through it.
Have you talked to your household partners about how you are feeling? Sometimes we are really good at making assumptions on how others must be feeling. By speaking honestly to them you make it clear to them that you are trying. Who knows, maybe they are making assumptions about you.
I don’t know a lot about your situation so don’t have any real suggestions. I do know that all you can really do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stressing out doesn’t fix anything. It only brings you pain.
I hope you find your solution soon. I am a hard core introvert myself. Even in recovery I find myself muttering I hate people under my breath. I don’t. Not really. I just very much like my privacy and my space. Are you getting any alone time to refuel?
Thanks @SassyBoomer. I keep talking to my flat mates and they reassure me that it is fine for me to stay but it’s the voice in my head that is nagging at me. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
I am taking tonight to read quietly in my room…it has been wonderfully therapeutic.
I will keep putting one foot Infront of the other. Tomorrow is a new day. Day 40 in fact. I’ve heard that milestones can become quite difficult, maybe that is a factor as well.
Hope you have a wonderful night. Its bright and sunny over here. I am half way through my work day. Will be doing a home workout since my son is going on an afternoon date and my partner is going for a track run so I need to be home with my daughter. Tell me when you run at the gym do you run for miles or time? just curious.
Day went well fuelled by red bull. Cleaned the bathroom and folded about 5 loads of laundry. Did stepwork, first 7 questions under ‘Unmanageability’ in Step One from the NA guide.
I reread the preamble to the questions and Wow! I can easily point to exterior evidence that my life has become unmanageable due to drugs (job loss, family breakdown), but apparently there’s inner unmanageability which is one’s emotions and putting oneself down and thinking one is worthless. That for sure has led me to relapse before, including this last time when my Major Depressive Disorder got the better of me. Wow!
About to head to my homegroup in-person NA meeting. Full of hope and joy it’s a new start for me. Goodbye negativity about relapse, it had to happen to bring me to this point.
From what I can see nothing much helps CFS flares? I have a friend who religiously meditates, eats gluten free stuff, tulsi tea etc etc etc etc and she’s still really unwell and low.
I’m sorry to hear that there’s no big win from the no alcohol thing, but be sure it’s helping somewhere, even if just with mental health, which is really important health itself.
Congratulations on 4 whole months! I’m sorry to hear about ur job. I hate how jobs can he sooo uncertain at times. I know it’s difficult but tey to stay in the moment. Being present helps me to lose some of that intense anxiety. Are there any jobs in ur area that can provide more job stability?
It’s my 80th day sober tomorrow, I’ve clearly been telling some porky pies saying it was yesterday. Unintentional, sorry.
I’ve only managed 77 days before. This time is different. I can feel a patchwork of new behaviours being pressed into my soul like vinyl rings. They say you really have to gauge new patterns into your addicted brain to release pathways into recovery; new styles, new habits, new ways to cope. It’s kind of true.
I’ve never been happier in what I’ve achieved: several short breaks away in hotels, camping, shepherds huts, with family… No drinking, whereas before that would have been an absolute shitfest of booze. I feel it in my bones that my body is healing bit by bit. My mind definitely understands the difference now between the reality and the lie of alcohol.
There’s still a lot of sadness in my soul and a lot of guilt and shame and vulnerability that I don’t acknowledge properly. I need therapy no doubt. That’s probably my next step. But these thoughts are manageable now because my anti depressants work properly without two bottles of wine a night.
I just wanted to check in with myself and you guys as I haven’t done much checking in lately. No man is an island.
Oh I’m so glad you posted. Hun, all those emotions and feelings you talked about are something that naturally comes into focus as our recovery progresses. We don’t get suddenly better. It’s a day by day progression. I say thank god for that. I don’t know if I could have survived recovery if everything I needed to face and work on crashed down on me the first day. It all falls into play as it is meant to be. Just keep walking into recovery and doing the work and all the gifts of recovery will be waiting for you. Give it the time you need.
Hi all. Day 36 here. I’m starting to get anxiety about the holiday weekend. We’re going to a music festival on Saturday. My kids love it so there’s no getting out of it. I’ve been feeling pretty confident in my sobriety this time so I’m not too concerned about that aspect. But my husband is still drinking and will be drinking. I guess I just have to focus on myself and not try to give in to the resentment that creeps up. Focus on my kids having a good time. And I know that will happen when they have a sober mommy.
Peace and love
Evening Check in Day 134
Incredibly busy day today. Got alot of running around done today and an appt. Started not feeling well tho. Seems like I just have a mild head cold or something. Anyway I’m wearing a mask in my home to prevent getting hubby sick. We can’t have him miss work or anything I really feel a difference in my recovery today after what I posted early this morning. Just having a label for what is going on (guilt and shame) really made such a difference! I didn’t have name for what I went thru today and it ate me up and now that I know what it is I have some guidance in what I need to work on next. What good would it do to beat myself up snd feel such guilt and shame over things I’ve done to myself or others? It only hurts myself and my recovery. I wanted to make amends to those I hurt but bcuz it’s unsafe and I truly don’t know how to contact them, I will make amends by not being that kind of person who hurts others. And I have to realize also that it’s not just others I hurt… I hurt myself to. And I feel like I need to make an amends to myself. And the only way I know how to do that right now is staying clean and living the life I deserve. I have to forgive myself for just trying to survive. If I knew another way long ago, I certainly would’ve taken it. But I didn’t, so I did the best I could. Love u TS fam! Hope everyone has a great night
Hope everybody having a good evening! I’m feeling a little “off” for some reason. Can’t put a finger on it; it’s been a lackluster day, but nothing bad has happened. I thought I was tired but attempted nap didn’t happen. Even worse, I played some music from Insight Timer, and a felt slightly more tense. I’m thinking it’s the caffeine; I’d been laying off the coffee for a couple of weeks and recently started again. I love Cafe Bustillo! Anyway, I’ll check back in later. Have a great night, fam!
When I first got clean I met this gruff, blunt old timer in AA. I swear he had to have known Bill W personally. I was in awe of him and his length of recovery time. For almost 50 years he had something he did to hold himself accountable for making amends that he was unable to do in person. Every single time he left a store he would toss the change he got onto the sidewalk to bless someone else. Each amends might have been small but picture doing that year after year. It added up and it helped him. Of course this was back when folk carried money . I’m just telling you this as an example of how you can make amends that you can’t personally. I bet if you think hard enough you can come up with something that would work for you.
I really like this idea! Change is almost non existent for sure haha but I have thot of volunteering somewhere. Just not sure where. I guess it’s the intention behind the act. It doesn’t have to be a direct amends. I guess it can be indirect where I do something for someone or some place and be of service. I like ur thinking on this!!! I will have to ponder on it thank u!!
that sounds like a fun event
Evening Check in 
I really feel a difference in my recovery today after what I posted early this morning. Just having a label for what is going on (guilt and shame) really made such a difference! I didn’t have name for what I went thru today and it ate me up and now that I know what it is I have some guidance in what I need to work on next. What good would it do to beat myself up snd feel such guilt and shame over things I’ve done to myself or others? It only hurts myself and my recovery. I wanted to make amends to those I hurt but bcuz it’s unsafe and I truly don’t know how to contact them, I will make amends by not being that kind of person who hurts others. And I have to realize also that it’s not just others I hurt… I hurt myself to. And I feel like I need to make an amends to myself. And the only way I know how to do that right now is staying clean and living the life I deserve. I have to forgive myself for just trying to survive. If I knew another way long ago, I certainly would’ve taken it. But I didn’t, so I did the best I could. Love u TS fam! Hope everyone has a great night 
I’m thinking it’s the caffeine; I’d been laying off the coffee for a couple of weeks and recently started again. I love Cafe Bustillo! Anyway, I’ll check back in later. Have a great night, fam!
. I’m just telling you this as an example of how you can make amends that you can’t personally. I bet if you think hard enough you can come up with something that would work for you.