Beautiful clouds! 
and the air is so clear!
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Thanks @Mindymoo. I am better than I was two months ago, but obviously still get good days and bad days.
I think my addiction was definitely part of the problem. I have spent most of my adult life avoiding my emotions with whatever I could get my hands on. It started with Alcohol, then weed and through it all porn and sex. I gave up drinking 3 years ago, weed over 15 years ago but have always struggled with porn. I was eventually honest with my partner about it but I didnāt realise how much my addiction (that predated our relationship) would hurt her confidence and self esteme. Being an addict I never stopped to look or think about how my behaviour was affecting her which I obviously regret immensely.
Whilst that was one factor there were definitely others, the pandemic showed us that we were very different people, she has always been loud and extroverted and someone who enjoys the outdoors. Iām a quiet bookish introvert. For the majority of our relationship we used that to our advantage, playing to each others strengths. In the end what this meant was that I stayed in with the kids whilst she went out and had fun. I love the kids and love spending time with them (we had a lot of fun playing games and things we all enjoyed) but in the end she got jealous of all the time I was spending with them. So it was a bit catch 22 really. When the pandemic came I think it just highlighted our differences and when we stuck in a house together we just grated on each other. Me being sober (from alcohol) didnāt help either as we did used to drink together before we had my son.
She ended the relationship by text whilst I was up visiting my parents so it was a massive shock. We have talked about it at length since and itās for the best. We both admitted we were hanging on to the relationship until the kids were 18. Whilst we donāt love each other anymore we both love the kids and sticking together just for them was just leading to loads of arguements which was actually making their lives worse.
So I am now staying at a friendās whilst I sort my life out. I see the kids most days (as I pick them up from school and have them every other weekend) but it is heartbreaking not to be with them all the time. They are my absolute world.
In many ways I feel like this is the consiquences of my addiction coming home to roost (I have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop). But I am trying to draw a line under my past and create a positive future without any emotional crutches from substances.
My son was checked over and got the all clear, just a virus that made him feel a rubbish. He seemed better after a trip to the doctors and a lucozade on the way home! Hopefully he has a better night tonight than last night.
Sorry Iāve gone on enough for one night! Thanks to anyone who gets to the end of this. Itās been cathartic to get this all out.
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Those are some amazing photos! What a stunning day!
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I am based in the states. California to be exact. The land of Disneyland 
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Itās been a really good day today celebrating my eldestās thirteenth birthday. It was also the last day of term and the kids are now on holiday for 6 weeks. I picked up my daughterās harp that weāve decided to rent and itās been really nice watching her play it. The cake I made for my son turned out really well although the only suitable decorations I could find were little sugar eyeballs but thatās ok. We had dinner in Wagamama and then my parents opted to go to the pub for a bit so I took the kids for a wee wander through the old town and we got an ice cream.
Iām meeting the friend who was supposed to come to Marrakech with us but couldnāt due to cancer treatment, tomorrow for lunch and Iāll be able to give her the souvenirs we brought back.
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Suggest an entire separation of everything; washing, ironing, childcare, cleaning and cooking. 
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Dohickey 
that made me laugh, I havenāt heard that word in years! Congratulations on Day 5! Stay strong 
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82 days clean and mostly serene. Listening to a lot of motivational and life coach type stuff based lately, especially processing feelings regarding abuse and trauma from parents. I hate my own inability to back myself, always seeking validation. But I love that I can see this clearly enough.
This scrape of gritty feelings will pass for sure, but I feel like Iām slight meh at the moment. 
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Thanks for sharing 
youāre a strong, beautiful woman who helps so many in this community.
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Amazing Stella. Your eloquence is remarkable. And your strength admirable. Keep fighting the good fight, do not go down into the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas or something. 
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I donāt know what it is (itās a dohickey!) Donāt mind me, Iām easily amused 
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Keep going. No one deserves an unfulfilling or hurtful relationship no matter what your non Sober/Sober status is. Donāt take any blame on for that side.
Yea, i say white rabbits 3 times too, from NW England 
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Whats that mean?!
67 days sober here. My mom almost died this week, she has been fighting an aggressive cancer for six years. Staying strong here, sobriety is giving me the clarity to be in the moment
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Oh nice. I would say Cali has its good but also has its bad. I do love it here though. You have it all beaches, mountains and desert.
Oh wow, that is so tough, I am so sorry. Well done for staying sober, so pleased you can see the positives of that. So impressive in such tough times.
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Aaah, that sounds tough. So much of us is defined by our parents. I am sorry it is difficult atm, well done for persevering. You add a lot of value here 
You say āwhite rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbitsā on the first day of each new month, supposed to be lucky 
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